Words that I wrote...

Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned does it?  I know that I never planned on living in Waco, or Texas for that matter.  I never planned on coming close to my third year at Target.  I never planned on being 26 and still wondering what I am doing with my life.  But what was it that I did plan on?

  Comparison is truly the worst evil there is, at least in my own life.  This evil has kept me from auditioning for plays , from sharing my dreams and ambitions with friends, from leading worship, from writing, from sharing my story.  A good friend of mine wrote recently that you only accomplish if you do.  I know that is why I am still sitting here with an ache inside my heart to share my story, to speak in front of a crowd because I stopped doing.  Shouldn't the knowledge that a friend and myself share the same dream be an encouragement, that we could spur one another on?  Instead its like a dead weight in the pit of my stomach and I hear the voice, "Your dream to be a writer, to be a public speaker is worthless because you can't put words together like that...and you don't want to be thought of as a copy-cat."  I know these are lies, I know these are lies because the dream to be writer has always been in me.  But why do I always feel the same way?  Why do I always wonder..."Am I even good enough?"

I am my own dream killer.  Somewhere down the road I started believing that to dream for the far fetched things of this world are just that...far fetched.  I didn't want to be the girl with her head stuck in the clouds, always fantasizing about what she could become.  I soon believed this "fact" about myself...I was merely average.  I was smart but I had friends who were smarter and didn't even have to try.  I was talented but my talent was overshadowed by ones with more talent.  Things that I had wanted, things that I worked for it always seemed other people got to live them out.

I know the truth about myself, I know that I am a daughter of the Risen King.  I know that I am His beloved, 'fearfully and wonderfully made', I know that He has gifted me and I know that I am used by Him for His purpose.  Jesus has put in me, not an 'average' testimony but a mighty powerful one.  I know the truth.  I know that I am blessed.  I have an amazing husband who I can't believe I get to wake up next to every morning.  I know that I am surrounded by many single women who long to be married, to be cherished by a man the way I am by my husband.  I know that I am blessed to have been born into the family I was born into, to have a mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins that I do.  I am a mighty blessed woman.  I know all of this.  I know that my time at Target is where God is using me for this time.  I know that I am suppose to be the size I am with the hair that I have.  I know that I am not just average.  But even in the mist of all of that...I still long.

I want my story to matter to someone.  I want my words to be read by someone and to have them change her life.  I want to feel once again the Holy Spirit truly pulsating through me as I stand in front of a microphone, looking out onto a crowd and listen as a hush falls over the room as words pour from my mouth.  To see tears gleam in eyes, to know that what I have done and the forgiveness that followed helped heal wounds.

I long to not feel inadequate when I have to use a different word because I can't figure out how to spell the word I truly want to use and I can't even get close enough to the spelling for spell check to figure it out for me.  I long to know the words to every classic piece of literature.  I long to string together sentences that are worth publishing and not even worth publishing but worth reading.  I desire to understand grammar and to know how to use it correctly.  How about this for a deal...you tell me how to not use the passive voice (and why its so wrong) and I'll tell you how to make my spaghetti sauce...

As I sit eating a gooey sugar cookie and try to come up with a great metaphor for the healing power these words have had (there's that blessed passive voice....) on my soul I think about the grand scheme of things.  I am reminded of this puzzle my mom once put together.  Once put together it was a picture of Winnie the Pooh but if you look closely each piece is a scene from the stories.  Even though my mom had a hard time putting the puzzle together because there was no, these are clearly the "water pieces" and here are the "land pieces" but I remember her telling me that it wasn't just about getting the puzzle finished.  For her each piece told her a story.  Now how cliche am I being...and in writing I know I am not a huge fan of reading cliche after cliche but bear with me.  If I think about my life, about my dreams, about the things that I have done and blessings I have as fun little pieces that tell a story and not just another nail in the board....maybe the wait to see the finished "Winnie the Pooh" won't be so hard.  Or maybe this last paragraph is just a bunch of rambling and my way of trying to finish with some profound thought when in reality I really just want to eat my cookie and watch "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives"

Writing tonight has reminded me of how it is my friend...my healing friend who comes and brings a soothing to my aching muscles and healing to my broken dreams.

(there you go...my beautiful metaphor.....now my cookie!)

pumpkin spice latte kind of night

This evening as Michael and I strolled along our neighborhood, me with my first of the season pumpkin spice latte in hand, a wonderful memory came to mind as we passed a house with the smell of burning wood coming from their back yard....

A few years ago my Wednesday's once included setting out for Beaumont for the King's house.  I remember pulling up to the house, walking up to the front door and without knocking pushing the front door open.  During the cooler parts of the year we would walk through the kitchen, through the other meeting place and through the door into the back yard.  Here a fire pit would be blazing away, the smell of burning wood and smoke filled the air...and that warm and cozy feeling only the fall can bring would wrap around us.  Here I was surrounded by some of the greatest people I have ever known.  Here I was surrounded by family.  This community was one of the best I have ever been a part of.  And tonight as I walked hand-in-hand with my wonderful husband, hundreds and thousands of miles away from these dear people I left the city of Waco, and revisited my old friends. 

Community...you are missed, you are loved and you will always have a place in my heart and memory.  You are one of the GREAT! 

New Beginnings

About two months ago I found myself once again pleading to the Lord, "Jesus, can I please, please leave Target?!"  Over the past two and half years I have gone up and down with Target.  Seeing the greatness, seeing the Lord work to feeling like I was in a dark whole while at work, surrounded by ugliness, bitterness and evil.  And during these two and half years I have gone from fervent prayer for Target, for my fellow team members, for 1531(our store number).  Praying hard for strength to preach the gospel, for change, for light to fill this dark place.  Jesus has been so faithful...I have watched light spring up in the unlikely of places, hearing talk of Lord during the day and feeling His peace fall upon us all...even if some didn't know what was happening.  In periods of low times I fervently pray to leave, to find a new job.  During these times Jesus has always given me new vision, given me someone new to reach out to, to pray for and with that given me renewed strength to press on and to continue His work. 

At the beginning of August I found myself in one of the lowest times of my career at Target.  Management was going down, work was piling up around me, no helping hand was being reached out, unbelievable expectations were being made, gossip and hard feelings were running rampant and I found myself once again pleading for the Lord to let me leave.  This time I received an unexpected answer, "Yes..."  I spent the next few days processing this answer, wondering if I truly heard the Lord right.  That week during my time with Amanda, my wonderful discipleer, I told her about what the Lord had said.  She responded with a laugh that only Amanda can do, and I knew she was about to tell me about something she had heard from the Lord.  She recalled to me a conversation that her and Ed had recently about me.  They had both said they felt that the Lord had more for me than Target.  These words were the confirmation that I needed to take the next step on this crazy new journey. 

(stay tuned to the next steps )

Significance in a world of Insignificance....

All I truly want out of life is to feel like I have made a difference.  That my actions or my words had some kind of significant impact on someone...no matter how big or small.  As I walk into the world of materialism everyday for work I wonder, "Really what is my life accomplishing?  What good am I even doing?  I wonder, "Jesus what is the plan, what is the meaning?"

On Sunday morning standing, with hands held high with beautiful music being sung all around me, I heard His voice say, "Be thankful, be faithful...."  Several weeks ago I felt the Lord say that my time at Target was coming to an end...my sentence was up if you may.  For the first time in two years I felt at peace about searching for a new job, filled with hope, joy and excitement.  However as the days turned into weeks, I have started wondering if a new job is just too good to be true.  But then Jesus reminds me that HE is faithful, HIS truth is solid, HE always comes through, HIS promises stand firm.  Jesus has called me to not only live out my life when things are exciting and new but in the ordinary, everyday life.  He knows that I am at my breaking point, He knows that I struggle everyday to find joy in this place, He knows that I feel over worked and under-appreciated...and He knows the promises He has made and the words He has spoken over me-He has not forgotten.

"Be thankful..."  Be thankful for having a job, for the ability to work, for getting to help provide for my family.  Be thankful for strength to endure, for the lessons learned, for the friends being made.  Be thankful for the opportunity to show His love, be thankful for having a reason to smile in the mist of chaos.

"Be faithful..."  Be faithful in the place that I have you.  Be faithful to do the work for the day.  Be faithful even when I don't like the work I am doing.  Be faithful to know that Jesus' word is true and He has never failed me once.  Be faithful to use the life He has given me in the time He has given me.

Its hard feeling like I am not doing anything, to feel like I am wasting whatever it is I have but when I remember that its by no accident that I am working at Target and its no accident that I have been turned down by two jobs that I am completely qualified for and its no accident that I am where I am today....when I remember that all the worries start to fade away.  Yes, I want to use my education that worked very hard for and am still paying for; yes I want to feel like my days have purpose; yes I want to do truly great things....and I will and in someways I even if i may not notice, already am. 

life rolls on...

I go to work where people can be mean with no rhythm or reason.  I go to work where I am surrounded by mountains of shoe clearance that I am under pressure to get out NOW, but have no space to put.  I go to work where I do all that I can, working myself to the end.  I go to work and wonder is this all there is?  And life rolls on...

I head home where dinner is to be made, sometimes without food in the kitchen.  I head home where laundry, a dirty kitchen, and an unmade bed are waiting for my attention.  I head home where I am greeted by a loving husband with open arms and a wonderful kiss.  I head home where all the events of the day fade away and I know is I don't need more than this.  And life rolls on...

I sit down at my computer where I am filled with an overwhelming desire to share my thoughts.  I sit down at my computer where I wonder as I write about my meager life if anyone will ever read my words and be blown away by them.  I sit down at my computer where most of the time I feel completely and utterly under qualified to even be a writer and question every word and sentence.  And life rolls on...

I lay in bed thinking about life and friendships, saddened by the life wasted and the friendships lost but heartened by life accomplished and bonds of friendships made.  I lay in bed feeling completely blown away and blessed by my husband laying next to me.  I lay in bed wondering what tomorrow brings hoping for adventure and excitement.  And life rolls on...

just another day...

I sit here staring around the room looking for inspiration having a desire to write something.  I think about my day and nothing remotely interesting happened, no fresh revelation, no hurt to report....nothing.  Then my eyes land on all of our cards from our wedding and the gnawing guilt of unfinished thank you cards creep in.  My excuse for not doing them the first month was...it our first month of marriage, we have a 2nd reception to plan, we have a vacation to go on.  My excuse the second month was: I left my bride book at my parents house two states away which has all of my addresses in it.  My excuse the third month: it was a hard month with new adjustments, summer ending, school starting for Michael, busy time at work for me.  My excuse now?  I'll think of something...don't worry!

Day One

It is rather intimating to start day one.  What is it that I want to write, that I desire my words to reflect...and will anyone care to read what I have to say? 

The last three months I have spent learning how to become a wife.  Learning how to be honoring, how to respect Michael.  It has been a harder journey than I expected.  I was told that it would be different, that there will be adjustments, there will be compromises and you will learn to let go of your singleness.  What we were not told was, it would be hard and some what painful.  Do not get me wrong, the past three months of marriage have been wonderful, I love my husband, I love the life the Lord has given me and I would not trade it for anything.  I suppose you could say Michael and myself brought on the hard times...why?  We actually prayed for them.  We wanted to have a hard first year not so we could suffer but so one, we would grow and learn and we wouldn't forever be comparing the rest of our marriage with the first year.  "Remember our first year when..."  "If only we could relive the first year..."  I have also learned through years of hardship that even though in the mist of the pain, the tears, the fighting, I never believed any good would come out of it...but once the light shines through the clouds I don't look at the pain, I look at how far I have come.  So our hope is to fight through these hard times because we will be stronger on the other side.

Laughter has become one of our favorite fighting tactics.  What better way to fight darkness and lies than to laugh in their faces.  A few nights ago I bought us a frozen pizza for dinner so we could eat quickly and get to Lifegroup on time.  I get home, decline Michael's offer to take care of the pizza, turn the over to bake, put in the pizza, set the timer and left to take a shower.  When I stepped out of the bathroom the pizza did not have that wonderful smell only pizza can have but rather a burning smell.  I simply thought, "Stupid oven over coooking our food again!" and asked Michael to check the pizza.  I then remembered that I had made cinnamon toast for breakfast and had turned the temperature knob to broil but in the mist of my hurriedness had carelessly forgotten to change the temperature for the pizza....the result?  Blackened "pizza food".  The lies that started pouring over me were those of how bad a wife I was, I didn't know how to care for my husband, I waste our money, I am stupid...etc.  As Michael is comforting me and speaking truth, the timer goes off, and what does he say, "Hey babe, the pizza's done..."  He started laughing at the ridiculousness of his statement.  For me however, it wasn't until we came home later that night and I took the pizza out of the oven and saw the remains of what once was a pepperoni pizza did I see the humor.  We laughed...I mean how could you not?

I am not only a new wife learning to be a wife but I am first a daughter of the Most High King learning how to be a servant.  This is a job, as being a wife, where the learning will cease to come to an end.  There will always be lessons to be learned, wisdom to be heard, strength to be had.  I dsire to hear Him, to see His words form in my head so that I can write them down on paper.  His words are far sweeter and far more eloquent than any that i could ever have to say.  Lets be honest if you had a choice to to listen to a Mighty King speak or me...who would you rather listen to?  As much as I want words that I write to be read, and to be heard...I would rather His words be the ones that people waited with bated breath to hear and read.

As I sit here with my eyes closed and my fingers moving on the keys I am blown away by how acqurite my fingers can be.  Its only when I open my eyes and use my own vision and my own power do I misspell words, forget puncuation, lose steam on what I am trying to say.  Its like Jesus.  He desires to be the one who is leading, who sees every step of the way, who desires us to close our eyes and allow him to bring us to the safe place, bring us to the battle, to bring us to the mountain top, to bring us to the bottom of the valley.  Its when we choose to take over that fear creeps in...we see the dangers even in the safe places, we see the impossiblity of the battle, we feel the hard climb of to the mountain top, we see the daunting task of being at the bottom of the valley.  But if we allow Him to guide ...what is there to fear?