Day two...fail... It's okay though, I will not let myself get discouraged. Today is a new day and that is what I live for. I cannot go back and write yesterday all I can control is what I am going to do today. So welcome day 3.
As usual...I have nothing. I looked back at photos from a few years ago and although they brought laughter and a smile to my heart--these pictures also brought sadness and tears. I miss the connection to people that I had in my life, I miss community, I miss "wanda", I miss la bamba monday, I miss the pool house, I miss hanging out with friends and feeling connected to them. What was it about this group of people that made it so amazing? And why after 2 and half years in a new place have I rarely felt that?
I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. People that I cherish and love dearly but there is just something that keeps us from truly connecting in the way that community connected. And I would say that for most of my friendships they have grown father apart since I got married. I am no longer a part of the single women crowd, I am no longer welcome and never will be again. I am also not a mom, I am not welcome there and won't be until I have a baby. So here I am in the middle longing to have someone know me but there is no one and I begin to wonder, "Will there ever be?"
Have you ever known someone and you are just filled with this longing to be there friend; to know her story and for her to know yours? There are a handful of women that I know that I wish I could know better...but no matter what there is nothing I can do. I am not saying all of this to have people feel sorry for me because I know that I have friends, I know that there is nothing wrong with me...I simply have a longing to be known. And I feel that the culture of this town denies that and I just simply don't know how to cope with the reality.
How do you mourn the loss of a friendship? Not the loss of a friend through death, not the drifting apart kind of friendship but still talk once in a while...no the kind of loss that comes when one of you says to the other, "I can't be your friend anymore"? I had this best friend who knew me and supported me and I supported her. This friend was the best a girl could ask for, seriously. She was the kind of friend who would drive two hours for your birthday and bake you a cake. She was the kind of friend that you would do anything for you at anytime of the day no matter what. The friendship you thought would stand strong through any storm that poured down; one day came crumbling down. How does one heal from that?
I admit I am someone that wants to fix everything. I want to stop peoples' pain. I want to say the right thing or do the right thing to ease whatever someone is going through. I want to be liked, accepted and loved. I know that everyone wants those things but I go so far as, if someone seems to not like me I search out the reason why and try to change his or hers opinion. And until that occurs I wonder what it is about me that is keeping them from liking me and accepting me. I know I am a people pleaser and I know that that is not a gift but a curse. The thing is with this particular friendship there is nothing I can do to fix it, there is nothing I can say to change the fact that this friendship is something she doesn't want. Maybe I shouldn't even be sharing this but it was so strong on my heart. I miss this friend and I wish I could tell her that and have her believe my words.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
30x30 Challenge
Sunday at church our pastor gave us a challenge--for the next 30 days spend 30 minutes a day with Jesus. Through these 30 days we will learn discipline and among that we will find delight. I am taking this challenge and I am ready to see the Lord work in wonderful and amazing ways. I have also taken this challenge to a new level. I dream to be a writer, that's all I have ever truly wanted to be but in order to call myself a writer I must be devoted to writing, everyday. So, for the next 30 days I am also going to challenge myself to write 30 minutes everyday. WELCOME TO DAY ONE!
For the next 28 minutes I am going to write...whatever is on my mind. The outcome--who knows. The quality--who knows. I have learned that until I am disciplined I should focus on just getting words on the page. That with words and sentences and paragraphs you can edit, and reform and reword. But if the page is blank there's nothing. Whats the point of saying, I am a really great writer if you have nothing to show for it?
Its hard to write without a vision, without a thought to go on, why is that? I guess I have never been that good at the free for writing. Until I have vision for what I should write I am stuck either writing about how I don't know what I should write or running on and on about well...nothing. I know it should not be about what will be profound and what others will want to read but man...any writer will honestly say that they desire to have their words read and if that never happens then are they any good?
I struggle with comparison which I know are lies from the enemy that entrap us and create skewed images of reality. This past weekend at the create conference, during the opening worship session we were all given a blank sheet of paper and a crayon. The vision behind the crayon was as children we draw uninhibited by the world. We don't care if no one understands or sees what we see, we draw out of delight. The instructions were to draw a line down the middle and on the top portion draw our weaknesses, the way we view ourselves. My picture came out with a drawing of a small girl on one side who has a paper with an F, a book that is blank and words around her are nothing, nobody. Beside the small girl is a tall beautiful girl who has an A paper, a best seller and has a crown on her head. She is everything the small girl is not. For most of my life and even some days now I see myself as the small girl. That I am nothing, I am no body, and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to amount to even a fraction of what the other girl can. So the thought, "Why even bother?" floats around in my head and pretty soon that thought becomes "truth" and I soon believe that I should not even bother.
On the bottom part of the paper we were to draw the truth of God in our lives. Here I drew God breaking threw the chain of darkness and brokenness and on the other side, I am in His arms, there is light and growth and love. After drawing the truth of God we folded the paper in half, lifted our hands up and placed the paper so when we looked through our hands we saw the truth of God and the truth of God held our weaknesses. What I noticed was when I look at the truth of God I counldn't evenn see the lies that I believed. His Truth covers all lies!
I prayed that the Lord would help me to not let others talents, gifts and dreams keep me from following my own dreams and using my own gifts. Throughout the rest of the day those words were said in several different ways. Jesus wanted me to hear His truth, and He wanted me to really get it.
I desire to write a book, to share my story and I hope that I will hold on to His truth, that no matter how many people around me desire to do the same thing, it does not negate what The Lord has called me to do. Several years ago I said that the reason why I wanted to write was to share my story with other women and if one woman's life was touched it was worth it. That is still my desire...To help transform lives of the women around me and if even one woman's life is changed because of the words that Lord has spoken through me then well...I have accomplished what I set out to do in the first place.
For the next 28 minutes I am going to write...whatever is on my mind. The outcome--who knows. The quality--who knows. I have learned that until I am disciplined I should focus on just getting words on the page. That with words and sentences and paragraphs you can edit, and reform and reword. But if the page is blank there's nothing. Whats the point of saying, I am a really great writer if you have nothing to show for it?
Its hard to write without a vision, without a thought to go on, why is that? I guess I have never been that good at the free for writing. Until I have vision for what I should write I am stuck either writing about how I don't know what I should write or running on and on about well...nothing. I know it should not be about what will be profound and what others will want to read but man...any writer will honestly say that they desire to have their words read and if that never happens then are they any good?
I struggle with comparison which I know are lies from the enemy that entrap us and create skewed images of reality. This past weekend at the create conference, during the opening worship session we were all given a blank sheet of paper and a crayon. The vision behind the crayon was as children we draw uninhibited by the world. We don't care if no one understands or sees what we see, we draw out of delight. The instructions were to draw a line down the middle and on the top portion draw our weaknesses, the way we view ourselves. My picture came out with a drawing of a small girl on one side who has a paper with an F, a book that is blank and words around her are nothing, nobody. Beside the small girl is a tall beautiful girl who has an A paper, a best seller and has a crown on her head. She is everything the small girl is not. For most of my life and even some days now I see myself as the small girl. That I am nothing, I am no body, and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to amount to even a fraction of what the other girl can. So the thought, "Why even bother?" floats around in my head and pretty soon that thought becomes "truth" and I soon believe that I should not even bother.
On the bottom part of the paper we were to draw the truth of God in our lives. Here I drew God breaking threw the chain of darkness and brokenness and on the other side, I am in His arms, there is light and growth and love. After drawing the truth of God we folded the paper in half, lifted our hands up and placed the paper so when we looked through our hands we saw the truth of God and the truth of God held our weaknesses. What I noticed was when I look at the truth of God I counldn't evenn see the lies that I believed. His Truth covers all lies!
I prayed that the Lord would help me to not let others talents, gifts and dreams keep me from following my own dreams and using my own gifts. Throughout the rest of the day those words were said in several different ways. Jesus wanted me to hear His truth, and He wanted me to really get it.
I desire to write a book, to share my story and I hope that I will hold on to His truth, that no matter how many people around me desire to do the same thing, it does not negate what The Lord has called me to do. Several years ago I said that the reason why I wanted to write was to share my story with other women and if one woman's life was touched it was worth it. That is still my desire...To help transform lives of the women around me and if even one woman's life is changed because of the words that Lord has spoken through me then well...I have accomplished what I set out to do in the first place.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Create....
Today I learned something so profound it blew me away..."If you want to be a writer you have to write something...." I mean WOW! Why is it so hard for me to admit that I am a writer. I'm not published, there is only a hand full of people besides my professors that actually read what I write...but none of that makes me a writer. The mere fact that I think thoughts and put them into sentences makes me a writer. And today I got to live a dream of mine and I haven't felt that alive in a long time. Today at the "Create" conference in my breakout session we were asked to write something over our lunch break. Nothing perfect, nothing edited...but a piece that was raw. As I tried to think of what to write I did what any "good" writer does...I just started putting words on the page until I felt inspired. As I am struggling to put words together and running out of time I hear the Lord speak, "Write your story...that's what is real, that is what needs to be heard..." I went into the breakout session excited to share my piece. After our small group time of sharing our leader asked if there was any brave souls in the room that would like to share with the group. I found my heart racing and that feeling I get only when I know I need to take the risk...the question was, was I willing to leap? My hand went in the air and the next moment I found myself once again where I feel the most alive...sharing my story with the people around me.
This piece is inspired from a vision the Lord gave me a few years ago on the day I call "My Freedom Day"
I was once this broken girl who was locked in this dark damp room. My arms were in shackles chained to the wall. The only light was a slit at the top of the ceiling that wasn't a comfort but a mocking voice saying you will never feel the warmth of my rays or see the brilliance of my color because you are nothing. My hair was unkempt and my clothes were merely rags. And my feet, no there were not shoes on my feet because I would never go places. I was shut up and locked away because I was unlovable! True, men would come-proclaiming their love and my heart would swell, I saw hope, but in moments I found myself back locked away with nothing--no even less than that...emptiness. Yes emptiness. True, women would come in and give vision of wonderful friendship but in the same moment I started to feel my chains loosen, I found another link being added and more "truth" of how I wasn't even worthy of their conversation. Unintelligence crowded around me. There was nothing and no one.
Until one night I found myself laying in my prison when I heard a loud crash and a blazing light flooded my cell. There standing in what was once my prison door, stood my Saviour. He didn't talk, He didn't bring judgement--No what I saw were tears in His eyes. Was He actually crying for me? As those tears flowed down His face, He came near me and in a moment I felt my chains fall away. Not just the idea of them falling away, no literally the burden, the heaviness that these binds had on me was broken away. And then He did something I never thought anyone would ever do--He reached towards me and threw me into His arms, and not only did He take me out--He RAN out. He knew that by walking He would give me the choice to stay. No He Ran full out! The next moment I was in warm sun raze, smelling the most wonderful smells. And I look down at my self and see where I was once in rags, I was now in beautiful clothing. On my feet were sandals and I knew I was being restored. I tried to look back--but as I turned my head He whispered, " No my bride, it is no more, nothing, don't even bother looking back."
This piece is inspired from a vision the Lord gave me a few years ago on the day I call "My Freedom Day"
I was once this broken girl who was locked in this dark damp room. My arms were in shackles chained to the wall. The only light was a slit at the top of the ceiling that wasn't a comfort but a mocking voice saying you will never feel the warmth of my rays or see the brilliance of my color because you are nothing. My hair was unkempt and my clothes were merely rags. And my feet, no there were not shoes on my feet because I would never go places. I was shut up and locked away because I was unlovable! True, men would come-proclaiming their love and my heart would swell, I saw hope, but in moments I found myself back locked away with nothing--no even less than that...emptiness. Yes emptiness. True, women would come in and give vision of wonderful friendship but in the same moment I started to feel my chains loosen, I found another link being added and more "truth" of how I wasn't even worthy of their conversation. Unintelligence crowded around me. There was nothing and no one.
Until one night I found myself laying in my prison when I heard a loud crash and a blazing light flooded my cell. There standing in what was once my prison door, stood my Saviour. He didn't talk, He didn't bring judgement--No what I saw were tears in His eyes. Was He actually crying for me? As those tears flowed down His face, He came near me and in a moment I felt my chains fall away. Not just the idea of them falling away, no literally the burden, the heaviness that these binds had on me was broken away. And then He did something I never thought anyone would ever do--He reached towards me and threw me into His arms, and not only did He take me out--He RAN out. He knew that by walking He would give me the choice to stay. No He Ran full out! The next moment I was in warm sun raze, smelling the most wonderful smells. And I look down at my self and see where I was once in rags, I was now in beautiful clothing. On my feet were sandals and I knew I was being restored. I tried to look back--but as I turned my head He whispered, " No my bride, it is no more, nothing, don't even bother looking back."
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