continuing the story

this next installment is fairly personal...you may think i am stupid for sharing and you may get uncomfortable, but i have learned that speaking light into darkness truly brings freedom.  so please read...but read with care.

The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart.  There are wonderful moments in those few days.  Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother.  There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER!  Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures.  Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress.  It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory. 

I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present.  I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight.  In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever.  I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks.  I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping.  Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible.  What did I just do, what did WE just do? 

The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew.  As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family.  I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it.  I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend.  No one knew what was truly going on inside.  How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt.  My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced.  Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes.  Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday.  He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter.  This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears.  Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone.  I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again. 

I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out.  I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious.  I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life.  The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion.  One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.”  (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real.  Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am .  I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie.  I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean”  etched on my soul. 

Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth.  For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life.  I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention.  It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked.  I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after.  I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me?  I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing.  There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on.  There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation.  So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation.  But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest.  I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen.  Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious.  He just knew the right words to say in the moment.  David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could.  We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special.  I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it.  Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but  in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before. 

sante fa stew :)

this is for you carly :)

i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home.  i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :)  this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger).  i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book.  and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make.  it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch.  I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat.  if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more.  so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!

1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef  *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies.  i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water 
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.

In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.  

how awesome is that?  a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!    

 

tooting my own horn....

i read on a friend of mine's blog that sometimes you have to toot your own horn...and it is so true.  we all like when others recognize our work, give us a high five for a job well done, tell us we did something well, thanked us for the work we did etc.  but the reality is, unfortunately is those instances don't always happen.  so why not recognize yourself once in awhile, reward yourself for a job well done, "high five" yourself for a working hard. 

its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life.  so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know?  i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible."  but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence. 

i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do.  even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me.  its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards.  i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone.  no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department.  i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost.  you could say i am an expert on our shoes :) 

i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me.  even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :)  i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats.  seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael.  it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do.  call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family.  i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :) 

i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband.  it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time.  i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write.  maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time.  that day will be a great day :)