The last weekend in June was the straw that broke the camels back. Shawn came to visit…a whole weekend with the man I loved. I knew that this was the weekend that would knock me out of the funk that I had fallen into. That being in his arms would wash away all of the pain, looking into his eyes I would see his love and it would fill my soul. Even though it has been, 2 and half years the events of that weekend are still moments that make me cringe. Until those two days I never thought another time could turn my world even more on its end as did graduation weekend. I remember sitting on the floor of Bobbi Jo’s house, talking to her about her new place, how she was going to decorate it when my phone rang. When I looked at the screen and saw that it was Shawn my heart leapt and hearing his voice telling me that he was mere blocks away sent it soaring. I literally ran out of Bobbi Jo’s house and I couldn’t get home fast enough—I would be in the arms of the man I loved in moments! I remember pulling up to my apartment and seeing him standing there waiting for me and how I just melted. All of my worries, all of the pain I had felt just washed away, they didn’t matter anymore—Shawn was here.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
