even though there is a whole lot more i have to write in between the previous post and this next paragraph, i wanted to share it because well, frankly i think its a great paragraph and it holds the hope in my story.
Standing on a front porch, in the middle of November, barefoot we started talking, and we talked for the next three hours…about books, movies, life in general. I didn’t even think about my freezing cold feet, or how long we had been talking. All I could think about was the ease of conversation…the ease of just standing next to him. How is it that, even after three years I can remember our exact stance, I can remember the conversation not in detail but can remember the feeling that flowed through me during the conversation, I can even remember the cold air stinging our feet. Its memories like these that I wouldn’t give up for anything,…even if it meant never experiencing the pain that later would come. Because for once, for the first time in my life…this conversation is one that I would never walk away from, this friendship is one that I would never stop from forming, this relationship is one that I rejoice over its formation, this man Chase LP Snow, I am thankful was a part of my life.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
the long awaited next installment
Monday morning found me in my office, reading over notebooks of information, making out welcome cards and trying to adjust to a new life. Mid-day finds Levi in my office hanging out, talking to me. What was amazing was the ease of conversation and what was even more amazing was what happened about half way through the day. Levi was in the middle of telling a story and something starting stirring in my stomach. The stirring continued to flow up through my stomach and out my mouth…laughter-true, genuine laughter. I remember the feeling of tension releasing, of anxieties being lifted, of clouds clearing…all from one simple laugh. I never thought that I would laugh again; I thought that my days of contagious laughter were over…then Levi brought resurrected it. We continued the day with dinner. I have never felt so at ease, so comfortable with someone that quickly. Over dinner it was like we were just two old friends catching up instead of two strangers who just met. From the very moment Levi and I shock hands--a bond, a chemistry that is virtually impossible to describe, let alone explain, was formed. He made me laugh after months of not laughing and I would never be the same because of it.
It is a funny thing relationships…what is it that pulls people together or pushes others away? How is it possible for two complete strangers to experience a first encounter that is more like a reuniting of old friends? I have met hundreds of people in my life time and not one meeting has been the same. Some have been awkward and uncomfortable, where after the “hello my name is…this is what I do…” there is silence and both of us sit there and stare at each other hoping that someone else will soon come and save the two of us from this moment. There are people that I knew right away that I would be their friends and that they would become a part of who I am today. I have meet people who I wish hadn’t, people who I am glad I did, people who I am pleasantly surprised by, people who have faded from my memory. Community, a place to love and be loved, I believe is at the very core of the human race --its what drives and motivates us. Whether we admit it or fight against it, we all crave community, all crave relationship, we all crave that one person who gets your very existence. It is a safe bet to say that I will never understand or grasp how friendship forms between one person to another but I know that other people have played a part in writing who I am today.
It is hard to put into words how the friendship with Levi and I grew and shaped itself. In the beginning it was nice to have someone who just made me laugh. Slowly it grew from innocent laughter to deep conversations. From deep conversations to me sitting in his room listening to him read to me. The reading thing started when the two of us were hanging out at a book store and he started talking about a book he liked. The next thing I know he has gotten the book from the shelf and started reading to me. It may sound silly but I felt so cherished in those moments. It was our thing and no one could take that from us.
One night changed our friendship and sent us down a road that was far more dangerous than we ever thought possible. Levi and I were talking on the phone one night after I had gotten back from a wedding. After a while he said, “Meet me in town.” I knew that if I went, something significant was going to happen. I knew the right thing and the safe thing to do was to stay home, to say goodnight. God was giving me the out, the signal to tap out and all would be saved. But the words that came out of my mouth were not, “No, I don’t think so.” But instead, “Okay, see you soon.” Getting out of my car that night was exciting, I knew this was the point of no return. He held my hand for the first time; and even though I knew it was wrong, when he asked if it was okay, I said , “Yes.” I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be known by someone. After several hours of walking around and talking to one another we made our way back the our cars. In the moment of saying goodbye to him I knew, I could still walk away and maintain just a friendship with him. But instead of simply getting into my car I looked up into Levi’s eyes. Our first kiss was… to be completely cliché, magic. I knew that Levi was special and I knew that this was something…that could have been wonderful had we waited to awaken it.
It is a funny thing relationships…what is it that pulls people together or pushes others away? How is it possible for two complete strangers to experience a first encounter that is more like a reuniting of old friends? I have met hundreds of people in my life time and not one meeting has been the same. Some have been awkward and uncomfortable, where after the “hello my name is…this is what I do…” there is silence and both of us sit there and stare at each other hoping that someone else will soon come and save the two of us from this moment. There are people that I knew right away that I would be their friends and that they would become a part of who I am today. I have meet people who I wish hadn’t, people who I am glad I did, people who I am pleasantly surprised by, people who have faded from my memory. Community, a place to love and be loved, I believe is at the very core of the human race --its what drives and motivates us. Whether we admit it or fight against it, we all crave community, all crave relationship, we all crave that one person who gets your very existence. It is a safe bet to say that I will never understand or grasp how friendship forms between one person to another but I know that other people have played a part in writing who I am today.
It is hard to put into words how the friendship with Levi and I grew and shaped itself. In the beginning it was nice to have someone who just made me laugh. Slowly it grew from innocent laughter to deep conversations. From deep conversations to me sitting in his room listening to him read to me. The reading thing started when the two of us were hanging out at a book store and he started talking about a book he liked. The next thing I know he has gotten the book from the shelf and started reading to me. It may sound silly but I felt so cherished in those moments. It was our thing and no one could take that from us.
One night changed our friendship and sent us down a road that was far more dangerous than we ever thought possible. Levi and I were talking on the phone one night after I had gotten back from a wedding. After a while he said, “Meet me in town.” I knew that if I went, something significant was going to happen. I knew the right thing and the safe thing to do was to stay home, to say goodnight. God was giving me the out, the signal to tap out and all would be saved. But the words that came out of my mouth were not, “No, I don’t think so.” But instead, “Okay, see you soon.” Getting out of my car that night was exciting, I knew this was the point of no return. He held my hand for the first time; and even though I knew it was wrong, when he asked if it was okay, I said , “Yes.” I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be known by someone. After several hours of walking around and talking to one another we made our way back the our cars. In the moment of saying goodbye to him I knew, I could still walk away and maintain just a friendship with him. But instead of simply getting into my car I looked up into Levi’s eyes. Our first kiss was… to be completely cliché, magic. I knew that Levi was special and I knew that this was something…that could have been wonderful had we waited to awaken it.
Friday, January 27, 2012
"I am READY!"
A revelation that has been stirring up inside of me for the past few months is one two folds. The first is how much Jesus loves me and the second is how He gives me all I need to accomplish the task and that the task has purpose!
The second fold has been much harder for me to grasp and believe. When I get up everyday, pull my khakis on grab a red shirt from the ground and lace up my worn out tennis shoes, its hard for me to see the purpose in it all. I walk out the door thinking about my education, wondering how am I going to use my knowledge of Shakespeare and Fitzgerald going to help me pick up shoes? How is knowing how to create a sentence and research a topic going to help me answer the same questions day in a day out? I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything but really, how is working in this job bringing His purpose? A few months ago, God started working on humbling my heart, and speaking truth into these places where I allowed the enemy to place his lies. The truth that God first spoke to me is in Jeremiah chapter 29. First I just have to say that if you think your job is hard, read Jeremiah who for most of his life had to tell people really bad news from the Lord and then get beaten or thrown into prison because of it. I mean, picking up shows is awesome in light of Jeremiah's job! In chapter 29 Jeremiah is telling God's people that they are in exile and will be there for a while. Instead of whining and complaining about and wondering when they would be released God desires for them to put down roots, get married, have children and marry off you children. He is basically saying, live life and really live life because you will be here for while...70 years to be exact.
God says, "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call up Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile. Jeremiah 29:11-14
What stands out to me is that first God has a plan. God doesn't go into a situation without a full game plan. And with that plan His desire is to bring you future and a hope. Also, God's plan ALWAYS includes us drawing closer to Him, for us to call on His name. His ultimate desire is for us to know Him, to know Him in a new way and call on His name. Through His plan, His calling, His direction he desires us to search Him and fully know in that situation. In the end of these verses God gives His people a promise, a promise that exile will end and on the other side He will restore all that was lost, God will bring His people back to Himself. When we are sent into exile we will always come out on the other side, stronger and fuller than when we went into it...when we spend our exile searching out God!
When I read these verses a few months ago I realized something, I was in a sort of exile in this job. My job I have right now is not a permanent job, my life's calling is not to pick shoes up for the rest if it. No, God has sent me into this place for a purpose, and that purpose involves prosperity, hope and a future. Also, in this exile He desires to know me even more, from me to cling to Him, to seek Him out and search with all my heart His direction, His love and His provision. God has reminded me how awesome a provider He is. I have a job when so many do not. I am able to work and help our household get out of debt. If that was the only reason, shouldn't that be enough? The truth is some days it is enough but most days its not. I have struggled with feeling inadequate and worthless. I see people's reaction and hear their tone when I tell them where I work. I have struggled with feeling then need to validate and justify my reasoning behind my choice of employment. Can I just stop here and say, WHO CARES WHERE YOU WORK!!!!! It has been a long journey with God to feel good about myself especially when I am surrounded by all of these amazingly successful people. In the world's eyes, yes what I do is menial and most days I am treated that way by the community. But through God's eyes, MAN!!! He is bragging on me in Heaven. He is saying, "Look at Amy, look at how well she is picking up those shoes. Look how great of a job she is doing. Look at how well she helped that person. Look at the joy she brought to her co-worker. Look at her singing while she folds clothes. Man, I love this girl...she is so AWESOME!!!! And you know what, no matter what you are doing, whether its working in a big corporation to "important things", or taking someone's order, or teaching a student, or training your child how to use the potty God is saying, "Look at my child, Look at how Awesome she (or he) is! I love her! I am so Proud of her! Did you see how well she handled that situation? "
If I am honest I don't always go into work feeling the purpose that God has for me but the truth is, He has a greater purpose than I can ever imagine. I try everyday to walk out that purpose and I know one day, I will walk out of "exile" into a new calling and a new purpose and I will walk into my future with hope and prosperity.
The second fold has been much harder for me to grasp and believe. When I get up everyday, pull my khakis on grab a red shirt from the ground and lace up my worn out tennis shoes, its hard for me to see the purpose in it all. I walk out the door thinking about my education, wondering how am I going to use my knowledge of Shakespeare and Fitzgerald going to help me pick up shoes? How is knowing how to create a sentence and research a topic going to help me answer the same questions day in a day out? I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything but really, how is working in this job bringing His purpose? A few months ago, God started working on humbling my heart, and speaking truth into these places where I allowed the enemy to place his lies. The truth that God first spoke to me is in Jeremiah chapter 29. First I just have to say that if you think your job is hard, read Jeremiah who for most of his life had to tell people really bad news from the Lord and then get beaten or thrown into prison because of it. I mean, picking up shows is awesome in light of Jeremiah's job! In chapter 29 Jeremiah is telling God's people that they are in exile and will be there for a while. Instead of whining and complaining about and wondering when they would be released God desires for them to put down roots, get married, have children and marry off you children. He is basically saying, live life and really live life because you will be here for while...70 years to be exact.
God says, "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call up Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile. Jeremiah 29:11-14
What stands out to me is that first God has a plan. God doesn't go into a situation without a full game plan. And with that plan His desire is to bring you future and a hope. Also, God's plan ALWAYS includes us drawing closer to Him, for us to call on His name. His ultimate desire is for us to know Him, to know Him in a new way and call on His name. Through His plan, His calling, His direction he desires us to search Him and fully know in that situation. In the end of these verses God gives His people a promise, a promise that exile will end and on the other side He will restore all that was lost, God will bring His people back to Himself. When we are sent into exile we will always come out on the other side, stronger and fuller than when we went into it...when we spend our exile searching out God!
When I read these verses a few months ago I realized something, I was in a sort of exile in this job. My job I have right now is not a permanent job, my life's calling is not to pick shoes up for the rest if it. No, God has sent me into this place for a purpose, and that purpose involves prosperity, hope and a future. Also, in this exile He desires to know me even more, from me to cling to Him, to seek Him out and search with all my heart His direction, His love and His provision. God has reminded me how awesome a provider He is. I have a job when so many do not. I am able to work and help our household get out of debt. If that was the only reason, shouldn't that be enough? The truth is some days it is enough but most days its not. I have struggled with feeling inadequate and worthless. I see people's reaction and hear their tone when I tell them where I work. I have struggled with feeling then need to validate and justify my reasoning behind my choice of employment. Can I just stop here and say, WHO CARES WHERE YOU WORK!!!!! It has been a long journey with God to feel good about myself especially when I am surrounded by all of these amazingly successful people. In the world's eyes, yes what I do is menial and most days I am treated that way by the community. But through God's eyes, MAN!!! He is bragging on me in Heaven. He is saying, "Look at Amy, look at how well she is picking up those shoes. Look how great of a job she is doing. Look at how well she helped that person. Look at the joy she brought to her co-worker. Look at her singing while she folds clothes. Man, I love this girl...she is so AWESOME!!!! And you know what, no matter what you are doing, whether its working in a big corporation to "important things", or taking someone's order, or teaching a student, or training your child how to use the potty God is saying, "Look at my child, Look at how Awesome she (or he) is! I love her! I am so Proud of her! Did you see how well she handled that situation? "
If I am honest I don't always go into work feeling the purpose that God has for me but the truth is, He has a greater purpose than I can ever imagine. I try everyday to walk out that purpose and I know one day, I will walk out of "exile" into a new calling and a new purpose and I will walk into my future with hope and prosperity.
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