even though there is a whole lot more i have to write in between the previous post and this next paragraph, i wanted to share it because well, frankly i think its a great paragraph and it holds the hope in my story.
Standing on a front porch, in the middle of November, barefoot we started talking, and we talked for the next three hours…about books, movies, life in general. I didn’t even think about my freezing cold feet, or how long we had been talking. All I could think about was the ease of conversation…the ease of just standing next to him. How is it that, even after three years I can remember our exact stance, I can remember the conversation not in detail but can remember the feeling that flowed through me during the conversation, I can even remember the cold air stinging our feet. Its memories like these that I wouldn’t give up for anything,…even if it meant never experiencing the pain that later would come. Because for once, for the first time in my life…this conversation is one that I would never walk away from, this friendship is one that I would never stop from forming, this relationship is one that I rejoice over its formation, this man Chase LP Snow, I am thankful was a part of my life.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
the long awaited next installment
Monday morning found me in my office, reading over notebooks of information, making out welcome cards and trying to adjust to a new life. Mid-day finds Levi in my office hanging out, talking to me. What was amazing was the ease of conversation and what was even more amazing was what happened about half way through the day. Levi was in the middle of telling a story and something starting stirring in my stomach. The stirring continued to flow up through my stomach and out my mouth…laughter-true, genuine laughter. I remember the feeling of tension releasing, of anxieties being lifted, of clouds clearing…all from one simple laugh. I never thought that I would laugh again; I thought that my days of contagious laughter were over…then Levi brought resurrected it. We continued the day with dinner. I have never felt so at ease, so comfortable with someone that quickly. Over dinner it was like we were just two old friends catching up instead of two strangers who just met. From the very moment Levi and I shock hands--a bond, a chemistry that is virtually impossible to describe, let alone explain, was formed. He made me laugh after months of not laughing and I would never be the same because of it.
It is a funny thing relationships…what is it that pulls people together or pushes others away? How is it possible for two complete strangers to experience a first encounter that is more like a reuniting of old friends? I have met hundreds of people in my life time and not one meeting has been the same. Some have been awkward and uncomfortable, where after the “hello my name is…this is what I do…” there is silence and both of us sit there and stare at each other hoping that someone else will soon come and save the two of us from this moment. There are people that I knew right away that I would be their friends and that they would become a part of who I am today. I have meet people who I wish hadn’t, people who I am glad I did, people who I am pleasantly surprised by, people who have faded from my memory. Community, a place to love and be loved, I believe is at the very core of the human race --its what drives and motivates us. Whether we admit it or fight against it, we all crave community, all crave relationship, we all crave that one person who gets your very existence. It is a safe bet to say that I will never understand or grasp how friendship forms between one person to another but I know that other people have played a part in writing who I am today.
It is hard to put into words how the friendship with Levi and I grew and shaped itself. In the beginning it was nice to have someone who just made me laugh. Slowly it grew from innocent laughter to deep conversations. From deep conversations to me sitting in his room listening to him read to me. The reading thing started when the two of us were hanging out at a book store and he started talking about a book he liked. The next thing I know he has gotten the book from the shelf and started reading to me. It may sound silly but I felt so cherished in those moments. It was our thing and no one could take that from us.
One night changed our friendship and sent us down a road that was far more dangerous than we ever thought possible. Levi and I were talking on the phone one night after I had gotten back from a wedding. After a while he said, “Meet me in town.” I knew that if I went, something significant was going to happen. I knew the right thing and the safe thing to do was to stay home, to say goodnight. God was giving me the out, the signal to tap out and all would be saved. But the words that came out of my mouth were not, “No, I don’t think so.” But instead, “Okay, see you soon.” Getting out of my car that night was exciting, I knew this was the point of no return. He held my hand for the first time; and even though I knew it was wrong, when he asked if it was okay, I said , “Yes.” I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be known by someone. After several hours of walking around and talking to one another we made our way back the our cars. In the moment of saying goodbye to him I knew, I could still walk away and maintain just a friendship with him. But instead of simply getting into my car I looked up into Levi’s eyes. Our first kiss was… to be completely cliché, magic. I knew that Levi was special and I knew that this was something…that could have been wonderful had we waited to awaken it.
It is a funny thing relationships…what is it that pulls people together or pushes others away? How is it possible for two complete strangers to experience a first encounter that is more like a reuniting of old friends? I have met hundreds of people in my life time and not one meeting has been the same. Some have been awkward and uncomfortable, where after the “hello my name is…this is what I do…” there is silence and both of us sit there and stare at each other hoping that someone else will soon come and save the two of us from this moment. There are people that I knew right away that I would be their friends and that they would become a part of who I am today. I have meet people who I wish hadn’t, people who I am glad I did, people who I am pleasantly surprised by, people who have faded from my memory. Community, a place to love and be loved, I believe is at the very core of the human race --its what drives and motivates us. Whether we admit it or fight against it, we all crave community, all crave relationship, we all crave that one person who gets your very existence. It is a safe bet to say that I will never understand or grasp how friendship forms between one person to another but I know that other people have played a part in writing who I am today.
It is hard to put into words how the friendship with Levi and I grew and shaped itself. In the beginning it was nice to have someone who just made me laugh. Slowly it grew from innocent laughter to deep conversations. From deep conversations to me sitting in his room listening to him read to me. The reading thing started when the two of us were hanging out at a book store and he started talking about a book he liked. The next thing I know he has gotten the book from the shelf and started reading to me. It may sound silly but I felt so cherished in those moments. It was our thing and no one could take that from us.
One night changed our friendship and sent us down a road that was far more dangerous than we ever thought possible. Levi and I were talking on the phone one night after I had gotten back from a wedding. After a while he said, “Meet me in town.” I knew that if I went, something significant was going to happen. I knew the right thing and the safe thing to do was to stay home, to say goodnight. God was giving me the out, the signal to tap out and all would be saved. But the words that came out of my mouth were not, “No, I don’t think so.” But instead, “Okay, see you soon.” Getting out of my car that night was exciting, I knew this was the point of no return. He held my hand for the first time; and even though I knew it was wrong, when he asked if it was okay, I said , “Yes.” I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be known by someone. After several hours of walking around and talking to one another we made our way back the our cars. In the moment of saying goodbye to him I knew, I could still walk away and maintain just a friendship with him. But instead of simply getting into my car I looked up into Levi’s eyes. Our first kiss was… to be completely cliché, magic. I knew that Levi was special and I knew that this was something…that could have been wonderful had we waited to awaken it.
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