I am learning that each day is filled with "Lets just laugh at that" kind of moments. What I mean by that, is there are times when the enemy speaks lies and hurtful things into our lives. We have two choices, we can either except it as truth and allow the lie to gain grown and grow roots or we can disregard it for the lie it truly is. The best way I have found is to laugh at the lie in its face. No, I did not come up with this idea on my own. I learned this exercise from two very wise teachers. This practice may seem rather strange and you may be laughing at me right now, but trust me when have you ever felt worse after a laughing fit? Laughter truly brings joy to the soul.
Today I had someone tell me something that was not well very nice and was not true. It is not all that important what was said, just that the one sided conversation was one that most people would never have to someone's face. In the moment, I felt my anger rising and all I wanted to do was yell back at this person, however by the grace of God I held my tongue and said virtually nothing. Afterwards, I sort of just started at the phone in wonder that that really just happened. Now, I could have justifiably gotten angry but honestly what good was that going to do? So instead...I laughed. And every time I thought about the event I chuckled to myself. So, instead of bring me down, I found joy and life in the situation.
This may not make a whole lot of sense and I am fairly sure it doesn't but I wanted to pass on the spirit of laughter. It truly is a wonder medicine. I am so tired right now that honestly I should be curled up in bed but for some reason, my keyboard was calling to my fingers to type and a longing inside of me to write something beautiful and inspiring filled my soul. Now, the fact that this is what came out, for that I am truly sorry. On the up side, there are only like two of you that actually read my blogs so I will only confuse a small amount :) Or maybe I will make you laugh, which in turn was the true purpose of this whole thing in the first place.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
courageous
Michael and I went and saw the movie "Courageous" tonight and I was blown away! I love that it tackled the issue of fatherhood and the importance of a father in a child's life. I highly recommend it, yes there are a few cheesy moments but the script is great, the acting is good, the cinematography is good and the message is awesome!
You know we are all called to be courageous not just men, not just fathers. I was thinking about courage on the drive home and what it means, and what it looks like. Courage is defined as the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. (www.dictionary.com) For me courage was today, asking our waiter if I could share my 30 second testimony...as homework for class. For some that may not sound like a big deal but to me actually opening my mouth and sharing or really asking if I could share was a huge step of faith for me. I knew I had to so I could have my assignment done for class but more than that I knew I had to in order to break off fear of sharing the gospel. Its such a funny thing, I talk to people all day everyday, interrupting their day to see if I can help them. And in those moments, I have no fear. The words simply come out of my mouth, I don't even have to think about them. I think back to my first day though...and that was the case. I was scared out of my mind to ask partly because I knew I wouldn't actually be able to answer the question, but more so because it was such a foreign concept for me. Now 3 and half years later, I walk into work and the moment I am clocked in till I clock out I am talking and answering questions.
Right now, sharing the gospel, sharing God's truth to people is like my first day at work. I am so scared to just open my mouth and start talking. Its funny because in Texas everyone talks to everyone no matter where you are or what you are doing. Its such a natural thing to do yet, I my mouth losses all functionality when I go to share Jesus with someone. So today, when I asked our waiter I felt a piece of that fear get chipped away and I have faith and hope that one day, sharing how God has changed my life will become second nature and I won't even have to think about what I am doing but I will just start doing it.
I got a picture of community as I was just writing. Today at lunch, I wasn't alone, I had my husband sitting next to me and two amazing friends across from me. They I know where praying for and cheering my on on the inside. You know, its really hard to have courage when you are alone. Knowing that I had back up pushed me forward, pushed me share, pushed me to be courageous. "For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7
You know we are all called to be courageous not just men, not just fathers. I was thinking about courage on the drive home and what it means, and what it looks like. Courage is defined as the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. (www.dictionary.com) For me courage was today, asking our waiter if I could share my 30 second testimony...as homework for class. For some that may not sound like a big deal but to me actually opening my mouth and sharing or really asking if I could share was a huge step of faith for me. I knew I had to so I could have my assignment done for class but more than that I knew I had to in order to break off fear of sharing the gospel. Its such a funny thing, I talk to people all day everyday, interrupting their day to see if I can help them. And in those moments, I have no fear. The words simply come out of my mouth, I don't even have to think about them. I think back to my first day though...and that was the case. I was scared out of my mind to ask partly because I knew I wouldn't actually be able to answer the question, but more so because it was such a foreign concept for me. Now 3 and half years later, I walk into work and the moment I am clocked in till I clock out I am talking and answering questions.
Right now, sharing the gospel, sharing God's truth to people is like my first day at work. I am so scared to just open my mouth and start talking. Its funny because in Texas everyone talks to everyone no matter where you are or what you are doing. Its such a natural thing to do yet, I my mouth losses all functionality when I go to share Jesus with someone. So today, when I asked our waiter I felt a piece of that fear get chipped away and I have faith and hope that one day, sharing how God has changed my life will become second nature and I won't even have to think about what I am doing but I will just start doing it.
I got a picture of community as I was just writing. Today at lunch, I wasn't alone, I had my husband sitting next to me and two amazing friends across from me. They I know where praying for and cheering my on on the inside. You know, its really hard to have courage when you are alone. Knowing that I had back up pushed me forward, pushed me share, pushed me to be courageous. "For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7
Saturday, October 1, 2011
just thoughts...
Even though it is late, and I have to get up ridiculously early I still had the desire to just hear my fingers moving on the keys of my keyboard. Have you ever had that desire? Every time I watch "You Got Mail" I come away with this immense desire to type and create something. Tonight, I was talking to the lady who is a writer/editor. Every time I meet someone who writes my husband always says, "Oh, Amy is a writer too." And then I get the question, "Oh...what do you write?" I stare like a deer in headlights having no idea how to respond to that question. So I stammer and fidget and blurt out something along the lines of, "Umm...you know, I'm not a "writer" actually, I have a style like you know, ummm Donald Miller...umm I write blogs..." And whoever it is stares nods their heads politely and say, "Oh, that's cool..." Then awkward silence...staring around and me longing to be anywhere then in that moment.
What makes someone a "writer"? Is it a paycheck, people knowing who you are and reading your stuff, is it being published? Sure, its all of those things but is it more than that?
Did you know that if you are rude to worker at a store the likely hood that moments after your rudeness they are conversing with at least one of his or her fellow co-workers about you is about oh 100%? Yes you are probably walking away in frustration but they are laughing about the ridiculousness of your frustration :) Laughing is the only way to make it through each day working in retail. Its highly frustrating and stressful, but when you have great co-workers that you can talk to it makes the day so much better. You know what I love, is when someone gets so excited over me helping her find what she was looking for...I have actually had someone hug me because I found her the shorts she needed. I also love when people apologize when they know they are being overly obnoxious or tell me I am doing a great job. I am a firm believer that everyone should have to work in a restaurant and in retail at least once in their lives because until you do...you just don't understand that when its busy your food is going to take longer. You just don't understand that we seriously don't have control over what is in stock and whats not and if we don't have...well we are really sorry but we don't have and there is NOTHING we can do about except say, we are sorry. I know everyone has their own opinions on this subject but you know sometimes I wish employees had a survey they could fill out about the people that shop at the store and those they encountered. We could rave about the awesome mom who apologized for her child spilling her drink but helped clean it up. We could thank the kind old man who always jokes with you when you see him and his wife walking laps. Seriously I see this cute old couple at least once a week and when I ask if they need anything he more times than not says, "How about I do your work and you can walk for me." Or we could say to the person that comes in on Saturday night furious that we don't have something in stock that has been on sale all week, "Its Saturday...its been on sale since Sunday...its not our fault when you came into the store." You know, I'm not really a mean person and I don't really care to share all of the negative things that people do and say to me and my fellow workers. Because even though it could fill up ten thousand pages and we could laugh a little the honest truth is, some of those things would make you cry and cringe that a human being would be that way to another human being.
So this is my challenge to all of you (all two of you that actually read my blog :) ) the next time you are in a store or in a restaurant tell who ever waits on you or checks you out or helps you find something...tell them thank you, tell them that they are doing a great job. Honestly it will make their day and they will go back to their co-workers and say, "I just had the nicest customer...."
What makes someone a "writer"? Is it a paycheck, people knowing who you are and reading your stuff, is it being published? Sure, its all of those things but is it more than that?
Did you know that if you are rude to worker at a store the likely hood that moments after your rudeness they are conversing with at least one of his or her fellow co-workers about you is about oh 100%? Yes you are probably walking away in frustration but they are laughing about the ridiculousness of your frustration :) Laughing is the only way to make it through each day working in retail. Its highly frustrating and stressful, but when you have great co-workers that you can talk to it makes the day so much better. You know what I love, is when someone gets so excited over me helping her find what she was looking for...I have actually had someone hug me because I found her the shorts she needed. I also love when people apologize when they know they are being overly obnoxious or tell me I am doing a great job. I am a firm believer that everyone should have to work in a restaurant and in retail at least once in their lives because until you do...you just don't understand that when its busy your food is going to take longer. You just don't understand that we seriously don't have control over what is in stock and whats not and if we don't have...well we are really sorry but we don't have and there is NOTHING we can do about except say, we are sorry. I know everyone has their own opinions on this subject but you know sometimes I wish employees had a survey they could fill out about the people that shop at the store and those they encountered. We could rave about the awesome mom who apologized for her child spilling her drink but helped clean it up. We could thank the kind old man who always jokes with you when you see him and his wife walking laps. Seriously I see this cute old couple at least once a week and when I ask if they need anything he more times than not says, "How about I do your work and you can walk for me." Or we could say to the person that comes in on Saturday night furious that we don't have something in stock that has been on sale all week, "Its Saturday...its been on sale since Sunday...its not our fault when you came into the store." You know, I'm not really a mean person and I don't really care to share all of the negative things that people do and say to me and my fellow workers. Because even though it could fill up ten thousand pages and we could laugh a little the honest truth is, some of those things would make you cry and cringe that a human being would be that way to another human being.
So this is my challenge to all of you (all two of you that actually read my blog :) ) the next time you are in a store or in a restaurant tell who ever waits on you or checks you out or helps you find something...tell them thank you, tell them that they are doing a great job. Honestly it will make their day and they will go back to their co-workers and say, "I just had the nicest customer...."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
No Bake Cookies...and a little bit more
Tonight as I was making No Bake Cookies, I experienced very clear flash backs of my child hood--me standing over the stove stirring melted butter, sugar, milk and cocoa waiting in anticipation for the mixture to boil. I remember standing in the kitchen-that is now the laundry room- stirring and I remember being worried because even though I knew what to do, my mom was not standing behind me watching, giving advice. I remember calling for her...knowing that I could do it but wanting her there just the same. How do I remember this? And how is it that this particular day is so etched into my memory?
Tonight I had all the confidence in the world, I knew exactly what to do and I didn't worry about getting the vanilla and oats in quick enough...I knew it would all turn out great. But you know what? Tonight as I sat down eating the success of my labor, I would have given anything--even my confidence to be 11 years old again calling for my mom to help me finish the cookies...or just stand by me reassuring me that they would turn out great.
Its a funny thing getting older and I know its been said so many times in various ways but...Why is it that as a child and a teenager all we think and dream about is what the future holds and we can't wait to get there, and then when we finally arrive all we can think and dream about is the ease of childhood. Those carefree summer days of waiting around all day for 3 o'clock for "Saved by the Bell" to come on, the anticipation of Friday nights to come just because it meant that TGIF would be on and two hours of "Boy Meets World" "Family Matter" "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Step by Step" would fill the night. The anticipation of starting school, of going clothes shopping and longingly looking at my new clothes hanging in my closet and living in anticipation for the day that I would get to where my new clothes. The days of playing outside, running through the sprinklers, of roller blading, of reading, of doing homework, of cleaning the kitchen with my brother...those days are days I wouldn't mind living over again.
I am not saying that I don't love my life or that I am stuck in the past but as technology is filling every aspect of our lives even taking the place of real books, I miss the days before cell phones, before Netflix, before internet, before the Wi, Xbox and all those other consoles, before a gallon of gas was more than a meal at Wendy's, before digital cameras and before Ipods Ipads and all other I-related technology. I am jealous for the children growing up today because most of them will never know what it means to use their imagination, to build a fort in their granddad's truck and pretend that they are international spies. I am jealous for them because they don't have good television that presents good family morals. I am jealous for them because they will never know what its like to anticipate coming home and walking to the answering machine and seeing there are messages and hoping one of them was a friend calling to say hello.
I have no idea what brought on all of this except maybe the No Bake Cookies. And maybe because Michael and I have been looking at ways to cut expenses. You know there was a time when I didn't have a cell phone, Netflix or Internet yet now that we have them I think I can't live without it. Even though having a cell phone is still a semi-new thing for me (okay I guess 5 years isn't so new but still...) I believe that without it I would never be able to get a hold of anyone and vice-versa. But when I think more about it...what freedom would come to Michael and I without it! And we would get to welcome back the wonderful anticipation of coming home to see if anyone called :) And then there's Netflix...which lets be honest is a wonderful thing but it has only been in my life for a few months and since it has been there I have watched more TV in the past months than I have in about two years. It has become Michael and I's go to activity. We have prided ourselves in the fact that we don't have cable but between Hulu and Netflix we probably watch just as much television as the next American family. Now I am not trying say that watching TV is wrong...I really enjoy it but who needs 4 hours or more everyday, of every week? How am I advancing the Kingdom of God, advancing my family and advancing my mind?
So, I really just started out wanted to talk about how I missed my mom and my dad and my parents house and being kid. I want to live simply and enjoy the simpleness of No Bake Cookies. Really the rest all comes from the place that I wish I lived more like I did when I was a kid...enjoying life each day because well, its another day filled with adventures, anticipation, good friends and good cookies.
Tonight I had all the confidence in the world, I knew exactly what to do and I didn't worry about getting the vanilla and oats in quick enough...I knew it would all turn out great. But you know what? Tonight as I sat down eating the success of my labor, I would have given anything--even my confidence to be 11 years old again calling for my mom to help me finish the cookies...or just stand by me reassuring me that they would turn out great.
Its a funny thing getting older and I know its been said so many times in various ways but...Why is it that as a child and a teenager all we think and dream about is what the future holds and we can't wait to get there, and then when we finally arrive all we can think and dream about is the ease of childhood. Those carefree summer days of waiting around all day for 3 o'clock for "Saved by the Bell" to come on, the anticipation of Friday nights to come just because it meant that TGIF would be on and two hours of "Boy Meets World" "Family Matter" "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Step by Step" would fill the night. The anticipation of starting school, of going clothes shopping and longingly looking at my new clothes hanging in my closet and living in anticipation for the day that I would get to where my new clothes. The days of playing outside, running through the sprinklers, of roller blading, of reading, of doing homework, of cleaning the kitchen with my brother...those days are days I wouldn't mind living over again.
I am not saying that I don't love my life or that I am stuck in the past but as technology is filling every aspect of our lives even taking the place of real books, I miss the days before cell phones, before Netflix, before internet, before the Wi, Xbox and all those other consoles, before a gallon of gas was more than a meal at Wendy's, before digital cameras and before Ipods Ipads and all other I-related technology. I am jealous for the children growing up today because most of them will never know what it means to use their imagination, to build a fort in their granddad's truck and pretend that they are international spies. I am jealous for them because they don't have good television that presents good family morals. I am jealous for them because they will never know what its like to anticipate coming home and walking to the answering machine and seeing there are messages and hoping one of them was a friend calling to say hello.
I have no idea what brought on all of this except maybe the No Bake Cookies. And maybe because Michael and I have been looking at ways to cut expenses. You know there was a time when I didn't have a cell phone, Netflix or Internet yet now that we have them I think I can't live without it. Even though having a cell phone is still a semi-new thing for me (okay I guess 5 years isn't so new but still...) I believe that without it I would never be able to get a hold of anyone and vice-versa. But when I think more about it...what freedom would come to Michael and I without it! And we would get to welcome back the wonderful anticipation of coming home to see if anyone called :) And then there's Netflix...which lets be honest is a wonderful thing but it has only been in my life for a few months and since it has been there I have watched more TV in the past months than I have in about two years. It has become Michael and I's go to activity. We have prided ourselves in the fact that we don't have cable but between Hulu and Netflix we probably watch just as much television as the next American family. Now I am not trying say that watching TV is wrong...I really enjoy it but who needs 4 hours or more everyday, of every week? How am I advancing the Kingdom of God, advancing my family and advancing my mind?
So, I really just started out wanted to talk about how I missed my mom and my dad and my parents house and being kid. I want to live simply and enjoy the simpleness of No Bake Cookies. Really the rest all comes from the place that I wish I lived more like I did when I was a kid...enjoying life each day because well, its another day filled with adventures, anticipation, good friends and good cookies.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
prayer
Hello everyone! Some of you may know that on June 22nd Michael, myself and few other people are heading to Europe for a two week mission trip. Michael and I have been in prayer for the French people for over a year now and we are so excited for the chance go and share Christ love with them. We are in the process of watching Jesus provide for our needs, not only in our individual lives but also for our trip. Recently, our team watched the Lord provide thousands of dollars in the matter of days for our team to purchase our plane tickets. It was an amazing time to see how The Lord called us to go and He provided a way for us to get there. However the journey is not yet over. We praise God for providing half of what we need for our trip...we are now praying for the other half to come in. As a whole team of 16 we need about $22,000 and for Michael and myself we need about $1000. I am not just emailing for a plea to give, yes we need others to stand beside us and give, but also I wanted to share a little about what is going on in our lives.
Michael and I had been praying for months about how much we wanted to give towards our trip. One day Michael came to me and told me the amount and in an instant I started worrying. I was afraid of giving that much. I started listing in my head all the things extra (besides our normal monthly costs) that we needed to pay for in the next few months, and I became fearful of how we would pay for those things. I then heard this amazing word about faith. When you are holding on to whatever it is in your life that you are afraid of letting go of, money, relationships, your job whatever it is...when you hold on so tightly to that something because you are afraid of letting go what happens is your hands are clenched tightly to that something. Your hands are closed...and when your hands are closed they are unable to receive the blessings the Lord has in store for you. But when you let go in faith the Lord is there and are know willing and able to receive. So I share this with you to encourage you. Maybe it is to give to our trip or to someone esle's trip or maybe its to let go of something else. All I know is that when I finally let go of our finances and said, "Okay God, I know you have called us to go, and called us to give...so here it is." I have experienced freedom that I hadn't before. Are Michael and I rolling in millions...NO. But what we are rolling in, is the provisions and faith of God, and to be honest...that's a whole lot better! :)
I do ask you to take the next few minutes right now, wait on God and ask Him if He is calling you to partner with us and give to our trip. Or if He is calling you to partner with us and pray as we go. Will you step out in faith and watch the Lord provide?
Thank you so much for you time and for your friendship. May God bless you in all that you are doing!
In Christ,
Amy
If any one would feels lead to give or pray let me know and I will give you the information
Michael and I had been praying for months about how much we wanted to give towards our trip. One day Michael came to me and told me the amount and in an instant I started worrying. I was afraid of giving that much. I started listing in my head all the things extra (besides our normal monthly costs) that we needed to pay for in the next few months, and I became fearful of how we would pay for those things. I then heard this amazing word about faith. When you are holding on to whatever it is in your life that you are afraid of letting go of, money, relationships, your job whatever it is...when you hold on so tightly to that something because you are afraid of letting go what happens is your hands are clenched tightly to that something. Your hands are closed...and when your hands are closed they are unable to receive the blessings the Lord has in store for you. But when you let go in faith the Lord is there and are know willing and able to receive. So I share this with you to encourage you. Maybe it is to give to our trip or to someone esle's trip or maybe its to let go of something else. All I know is that when I finally let go of our finances and said, "Okay God, I know you have called us to go, and called us to give...so here it is." I have experienced freedom that I hadn't before. Are Michael and I rolling in millions...NO. But what we are rolling in, is the provisions and faith of God, and to be honest...that's a whole lot better! :)
I do ask you to take the next few minutes right now, wait on God and ask Him if He is calling you to partner with us and give to our trip. Or if He is calling you to partner with us and pray as we go. Will you step out in faith and watch the Lord provide?
Thank you so much for you time and for your friendship. May God bless you in all that you are doing!
In Christ,
Amy
If any one would feels lead to give or pray let me know and I will give you the information
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
another segment...
The last weekend in June was the straw that broke the camels back. Shawn came to visit…a whole weekend with the man I loved. I knew that this was the weekend that would knock me out of the funk that I had fallen into. That being in his arms would wash away all of the pain, looking into his eyes I would see his love and it would fill my soul. Even though it has been, 2 and half years the events of that weekend are still moments that make me cringe. Until those two days I never thought another time could turn my world even more on its end as did graduation weekend. I remember sitting on the floor of Bobbi Jo’s house, talking to her about her new place, how she was going to decorate it when my phone rang. When I looked at the screen and saw that it was Shawn my heart leapt and hearing his voice telling me that he was mere blocks away sent it soaring. I literally ran out of Bobbi Jo’s house and I couldn’t get home fast enough—I would be in the arms of the man I loved in moments! I remember pulling up to my apartment and seeing him standing there waiting for me and how I just melted. All of my worries, all of the pain I had felt just washed away, they didn’t matter anymore—Shawn was here.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
continuing the story
this next installment is fairly personal...you may think i am stupid for sharing and you may get uncomfortable, but i have learned that speaking light into darkness truly brings freedom. so please read...but read with care.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
sante fa stew :)
this is for you carly :)
i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home. i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :) this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger). i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book. and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make. it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch. I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat. if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more. so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!
1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies. i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.
In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.
how awesome is that? a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!
i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home. i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :) this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger). i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book. and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make. it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch. I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat. if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more. so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!
1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies. i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.
In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.
how awesome is that? a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
tooting my own horn....
i read on a friend of mine's blog that sometimes you have to toot your own horn...and it is so true. we all like when others recognize our work, give us a high five for a job well done, tell us we did something well, thanked us for the work we did etc. but the reality is, unfortunately is those instances don't always happen. so why not recognize yourself once in awhile, reward yourself for a job well done, "high five" yourself for a working hard.
its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life. so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know? i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible." but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence.
i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do. even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me. its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards. i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone. no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department. i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost. you could say i am an expert on our shoes :)
i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me. even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :) i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats. seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael. it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do. call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family. i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :)
i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband. it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time. i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write. maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time. that day will be a great day :)
its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life. so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know? i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible." but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence.
i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do. even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me. its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards. i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone. no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department. i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost. you could say i am an expert on our shoes :)
i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me. even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :) i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats. seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael. it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do. call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family. i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :)
i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband. it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time. i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write. maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time. that day will be a great day :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
the everyday
The alarm goes off at the same 6:45 a.m. time every morning. And every morning at 7:05 a.m. we get up. The showering and getting dressed is the same routine and even for me its the same clothing. Breakfast is made and consumed, lunches are packed, teeth are brushed, lips are kissed and goodbyes are said. The next eight hours go by just about the same...asking the same one line over and over again. Picking up merchandise off the floor, putting it back where it belongs, answering phone calls in the same way. Break happens, lunch happens, break happens...some talking with friendly co-workers. Getting frustrated over the same things...when will I just get over things? I try to have joy, I try and not give into gossip. The only change is I feel myself getting mean, and that's not me. Its just hard to not become a stone in this place...but mean is not who I want to become. Go home to do the same things, fix dinner, watch tv online.... Maybe I should read, maybe I should do something!
I don't want to become one of those people who complains about life and the boringness of it...because lets face it, every moment can't be spent at Disney World, getting married, having a new baby, seeing family, Christmas and Birthday's. Most days are well the day I just had with nothing really worth writing or talking about but I still want to share. I do have a pretty sweet life if I really think about it. I mean I have a nice home which is mine, great friends and an amazing husband who looks at me everyday like he is seeing me for the first time. And there really isn't anything boring about that is there?
I don't want to become one of those people who complains about life and the boringness of it...because lets face it, every moment can't be spent at Disney World, getting married, having a new baby, seeing family, Christmas and Birthday's. Most days are well the day I just had with nothing really worth writing or talking about but I still want to share. I do have a pretty sweet life if I really think about it. I mean I have a nice home which is mine, great friends and an amazing husband who looks at me everyday like he is seeing me for the first time. And there really isn't anything boring about that is there?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
John 15
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this; Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."
For the past twelve days I have read this chapter everyday and everyday a new portion is highlighted. Today as I read that Jesus calls me friend, I started crying. Friendship has always been important to me. It is not something I take lightly. I hold dear those that I call friends and I cherish those that call me friend. It is a comfort to know, in the mist of friendship lost Jesus reminds me that I am His friend, that He chose me to be His friend. I think that is the hope of everyone's heart--to be chosen by someone to be their friend. As I read that portion tonight I felt like a little kid standing in the big group as two really cool kids choose teams. I am the kid that usually gets picked last but today, the coolest of the coolest kids just called my name first!!! I am his friend! I get to play on His team!!! And no matter what has happened today, or yesterday or last week, even though all of the other times I was picked last...Today trumps all else! Jesus calls me friend! and not only that, HE chose me! AND, His joy is in me so my joy may be complete. Now, I don't know about you but that's a good day. :)
To my friends, you know who you are :) I love you and I cherish you. Oh and one more thing...I am your friend!
For the past twelve days I have read this chapter everyday and everyday a new portion is highlighted. Today as I read that Jesus calls me friend, I started crying. Friendship has always been important to me. It is not something I take lightly. I hold dear those that I call friends and I cherish those that call me friend. It is a comfort to know, in the mist of friendship lost Jesus reminds me that I am His friend, that He chose me to be His friend. I think that is the hope of everyone's heart--to be chosen by someone to be their friend. As I read that portion tonight I felt like a little kid standing in the big group as two really cool kids choose teams. I am the kid that usually gets picked last but today, the coolest of the coolest kids just called my name first!!! I am his friend! I get to play on His team!!! And no matter what has happened today, or yesterday or last week, even though all of the other times I was picked last...Today trumps all else! Jesus calls me friend! and not only that, HE chose me! AND, His joy is in me so my joy may be complete. Now, I don't know about you but that's a good day. :)
To my friends, you know who you are :) I love you and I cherish you. Oh and one more thing...I am your friend!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
the story continues
Here is the next "installment" of my story...enjoy!
My story isn’t worth reading because I am simply the most fabulous writer. The truth is I’m not and my story may very well not be worth reading but I want to share it so I can share something even more than my simple words. I want to share the story of a friend of mine and how He shaped my heart and brought me through me journey--His name is Jesus. I have spent many nights crying on His shoulder, asking Him to ease my pain. Through the years I have made mistakes and walked away from Him. Every time I know He cried as He watched me turn the corner and every time He dried my tears when I came running back to Him. He is the one who pressed on my heart, He showed me that my hurts, my scars were there for me to use. That every pain wasn’t experienced in vain, but He would use them for His glory. I just didn’t know what that meant at the time. I simply held on to the hope that maybe the mistakes I made would bring good.
The events of that night would be just as meaningless as the night of Alex’s birthday had I not gotten a text from Shawn the next day that made me smile and feel as if I truly was someone special. I cannot recall the exact words of the text, but I can for some reason remember exactly where I was, how I was sitting, that it was sunny outside and that I was not expecting to hear from him. My phone rang letting me know that I had a text and on the screen there was Shawn’s name. Any girl who has gotten that call or email or text message or letter or some form of communication from the guy she really likes knows exactly how I felt in that moment. In the moments right after that text and even days after, my heart was full, I had a smile on my face that would not go away and butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my stomach.
The next month and half is a blur of happy memories. I remember never feeling as cared for and loved as I did when I was with Shawn. Our first kiss was one of well…to be completely cliché, of magic. Like most magic tricks, I can’t tell you the details, can’t reveal how it happened. I honestly cannot remember what was going on in my head the moment before, what we were talking about, or what we had been doing. I am fairly certain we were sitting on the couch in my living room and Shawn had biked over that night to see me. I remember times of sitting on his front porch, I remember taking walks with him. I remember Shawn’s strength, the way he ran on his toes, the way he climbed a ladder and I remember his eyes. Those eyes that were not green and not brown but somehow both. A circle of green that flowed into a circle of brown. Those eyes who pierced my heart from the first moment of our journey. Those eyes who held me captive. Two weeks into our relationship we shared those three words with one another. I always laughed at those movies where two people meet in the beginning of the movie and a few days later say, “I love you!” but in that moment of my life…I knew what it was to fall in love so quickly.
I know there are skeptics out there--people who believe that Love takes time, it must “slow roast” so to speak. But there are times that Love is thrown into a “pressure cooker” and what does blossom is true. Some would say its infatuation not love that forms, but what I have become a firm believer on is no one can judge another’s heart. What may be true for one is not true for another. Some create a huge mess when using a pressure cooker while others end up burning whatever they are slow roasting. You can control your heart, you do have power over emotions, you do have say in what it does and says but I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather not have control in my hands but someone has to fly the plane. During the time of Shawn my heart wasn’t being piloted at all. It was out of control and in the beginning it was thrilling but logic shows that eventually it has to crash.
My story isn’t worth reading because I am simply the most fabulous writer. The truth is I’m not and my story may very well not be worth reading but I want to share it so I can share something even more than my simple words. I want to share the story of a friend of mine and how He shaped my heart and brought me through me journey--His name is Jesus. I have spent many nights crying on His shoulder, asking Him to ease my pain. Through the years I have made mistakes and walked away from Him. Every time I know He cried as He watched me turn the corner and every time He dried my tears when I came running back to Him. He is the one who pressed on my heart, He showed me that my hurts, my scars were there for me to use. That every pain wasn’t experienced in vain, but He would use them for His glory. I just didn’t know what that meant at the time. I simply held on to the hope that maybe the mistakes I made would bring good.
The events of that night would be just as meaningless as the night of Alex’s birthday had I not gotten a text from Shawn the next day that made me smile and feel as if I truly was someone special. I cannot recall the exact words of the text, but I can for some reason remember exactly where I was, how I was sitting, that it was sunny outside and that I was not expecting to hear from him. My phone rang letting me know that I had a text and on the screen there was Shawn’s name. Any girl who has gotten that call or email or text message or letter or some form of communication from the guy she really likes knows exactly how I felt in that moment. In the moments right after that text and even days after, my heart was full, I had a smile on my face that would not go away and butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my stomach.
The next month and half is a blur of happy memories. I remember never feeling as cared for and loved as I did when I was with Shawn. Our first kiss was one of well…to be completely cliché, of magic. Like most magic tricks, I can’t tell you the details, can’t reveal how it happened. I honestly cannot remember what was going on in my head the moment before, what we were talking about, or what we had been doing. I am fairly certain we were sitting on the couch in my living room and Shawn had biked over that night to see me. I remember times of sitting on his front porch, I remember taking walks with him. I remember Shawn’s strength, the way he ran on his toes, the way he climbed a ladder and I remember his eyes. Those eyes that were not green and not brown but somehow both. A circle of green that flowed into a circle of brown. Those eyes who pierced my heart from the first moment of our journey. Those eyes who held me captive. Two weeks into our relationship we shared those three words with one another. I always laughed at those movies where two people meet in the beginning of the movie and a few days later say, “I love you!” but in that moment of my life…I knew what it was to fall in love so quickly.
I know there are skeptics out there--people who believe that Love takes time, it must “slow roast” so to speak. But there are times that Love is thrown into a “pressure cooker” and what does blossom is true. Some would say its infatuation not love that forms, but what I have become a firm believer on is no one can judge another’s heart. What may be true for one is not true for another. Some create a huge mess when using a pressure cooker while others end up burning whatever they are slow roasting. You can control your heart, you do have power over emotions, you do have say in what it does and says but I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather not have control in my hands but someone has to fly the plane. During the time of Shawn my heart wasn’t being piloted at all. It was out of control and in the beginning it was thrilling but logic shows that eventually it has to crash.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
the challenge
The challenge was to first spend time with Jesus for 30 minutes everyday for 30 days and the second was to write 30 minutes everyday for 30 days. Needless to say I failed on both accounts. I sit here in front of my computer writing for the first times in a while. To give the excuse that I am too busy would be a lie. I have the time to watch a few TV shows a day, I have time to play on our Wii...Super Mario Brothers is addicting. But at the end of the day the things that I know will enhance my life, will make me a better person lay on touched. Most days I havn't spent time with Jesus and almost everyday I haven't written more than two words, let alone created a sentence. My natural tendency would be to see myself as a failure and come to the conclusion that I will never accomplish what I set out to do. But the truth is this, I am not a failure. I could spend the next hour or so spouting of scripture and telling all the "churchy" answers about how God has redeemed me and all of that. As true as all of that is, I don't want to just be cliche. I don't want to be the writer or person for that matter that only speaks the things that are the typical sayings. And more than that, those typical words no matter how true they are, are the easy ones to say. I desire to be vulnerable, to put my story out there for others to read. See the truth is, is I have been trying over the past few months, to write about anything but what I know I am suppose to write about, what I haven felt called to stare for a couple of years now.
One of fears is actually having to remember those times, remember the pain, remember the mistakes in order to write about them. I mean who wants to relive the hardest parts of her life? It was bad enough the first time around. Another fear is, well I am afraid that this picture that people have painted of who Amy will turn out to be a false one and then I am left with feeling like I have falsely represented myself to those around me. I also worry that people will read it and think, "Why in the world did she just share that big old mess? Now everyone just knows her business and nothing good came of it...I just feel uncomfortable." The truth of the matter is honestly my story will make others uncomfortable, it may even offend some people. But if I make you uncomfortable you have to ask yourself, "Why does this vulnerability make me feel this way?" So here goes, here is the first part of my story...and to be honest no I did not write this tonight, I wrote these words about two years ago...its just taken me this long to have the courage to share them. Please let me know what you think. You are my audience, I want your feed back.
I have started this paragraph about a hundred times trying to figure out the best way to start this story. First off, I can’t truly call this a story, even though it is a telling of specific events—these words, these sentences are more about a journey than a story. A journey that I lived out everyday. I felt every pain, enjoyed every laugh, and partook in every tear. Even now as I reread what I just wrote I wonder if I should trash these sentences and find a better way to start—a more professional way, a more literary way but then if I did than I would start this journey off not being true to who I am. Putting oneself out there for the whole world to see is a tough thing to do—especially if you are going to write about it. Look at it this way, if you write a book about your own story and people hate it, you are either a terrible writer or just not that interesting. Either way I look at it it’s hard to swallow. But I figure I have two choices in this life—I can be real with the world, put all I have out there or be stuck wondering if I ever could.
I met Shawn the night of my friend Alex’s birthday. I remember calling her up that night to tell her to stop working on her paper, go out, and have fun. Little did I know, she already was out having fun and she actually pulled me away from my mundane night to enjoy some fried pickles and karaoke. Shawn showed up with Jesse, who sadly enough did not make the cut for the telling of this journey—a fact that will make several of my girlfriends happy when they partake in this reading. Don’t worry this is not another story about how two people locked eyes across a dimly lit room and found themselves talking into the wee hours of the morning and declaring their love for one another as the sun rose. No, this simply begins with two strangers who start up an awkward conversation at the end of a long table, in a smoke filled room while their friends sing very badly and old people cheer them on. And the night ends with a standing ovation after a beautiful and touching rendition of “Summer Lovin’” by the whole group. Had the journey of Shawn and I ended that night I would not remember the look on his face when he sang, or the way he walked across the room towards our table, or even me leaning over to Alex asking her who the guy was with Jesse. Of course, it wasn’t until months later that our paths actually crossed again but that first encounter with Shawn is still some how ever present in my memory.
There are moments in life that for some reason stick with you for a lifetime. These are the moments that you can remember specific words that were said, exact details of the setting, the scent still lingers in your nose, and most of all the emotion still stirs in you. If it is a heart wrenching sad moment, you can still feel your eyes welling up with tears and the churning of your stomach. You can remember the moments right before your heart was ripped out of your chest and the naïve way of thinking that everything was going to be just fine. In those joyful moments you can still feel the laughter flowing through your veins, the look in someone’s eye as he glances at you. The butterflies still flutter through your stomach as you recall the exact moment his hand brushed against yours. Its funny how not every moment in life is remembered so clearly. Life is filled with sadness and joy but why is it that some are imprinted so deeply they become a part of your soul and others simply fade with time?
I encountered Shawn for the second time at an all day concert event. I cannot recall the various hours in between meeting him once again and the moment my phone rang and it was him but I do recall the moments after the phone call. We were simply feet away when he called and to this day I still do not know how he had gotten my number. Thus starts the journey. Never would I have imagined that night as I am sitting listening to the bands, talking to Kay and flirting with Shawn that in the next few months my life would change drastically. In the matter of months, certain events would occur that would alter the way I viewed myself, would send me in a downward spiral but on that night all I could think about was sitting beside Shawn on the grass. All I could think about was the cute text messages he kept sending me. All I could think about was the smile on my face that this boy had placed there. Who would have guessed that maybe this time I should have just walked away?
It has taken me a long time to come to the point in my life where I can look in the mirror and not be repulsed by the reflection staring back at me. For most of my life I either saw a chubby, plain girl, who would always be stuck in the best friend status or I saw the girl who just sold herself to feel loved. It is hard to admit the mistakes I have made—I never want anyone to look at me and see the sin I have committed, see the stains that were once there. And if I was completely honest I have a hard to time putting myself out there because for so long I simply imitated the person those around me expected me to be. Sadly though all people truly want is to encounter real, honest human beings. If we were all honest with one another, wouldn’t we find that the girl sitting next to us in class also struggles with loving herself or the guy passing us on the street has the same thoughts of suicide as we have? I have held these secrets in for so long because I was ashamed of what I had done—ashamed of who I had become but it is time for them to burst forth in truth. Some may say I am crazy for laying it all out there but the one I am concerned about is the one that I may help. So you can think I am crazy, you can dismiss these words as meaningless and never think of me again…and that’s okay by me, you were not the one I sat pouring out my heart for.
One of fears is actually having to remember those times, remember the pain, remember the mistakes in order to write about them. I mean who wants to relive the hardest parts of her life? It was bad enough the first time around. Another fear is, well I am afraid that this picture that people have painted of who Amy will turn out to be a false one and then I am left with feeling like I have falsely represented myself to those around me. I also worry that people will read it and think, "Why in the world did she just share that big old mess? Now everyone just knows her business and nothing good came of it...I just feel uncomfortable." The truth of the matter is honestly my story will make others uncomfortable, it may even offend some people. But if I make you uncomfortable you have to ask yourself, "Why does this vulnerability make me feel this way?" So here goes, here is the first part of my story...and to be honest no I did not write this tonight, I wrote these words about two years ago...its just taken me this long to have the courage to share them. Please let me know what you think. You are my audience, I want your feed back.
I have started this paragraph about a hundred times trying to figure out the best way to start this story. First off, I can’t truly call this a story, even though it is a telling of specific events—these words, these sentences are more about a journey than a story. A journey that I lived out everyday. I felt every pain, enjoyed every laugh, and partook in every tear. Even now as I reread what I just wrote I wonder if I should trash these sentences and find a better way to start—a more professional way, a more literary way but then if I did than I would start this journey off not being true to who I am. Putting oneself out there for the whole world to see is a tough thing to do—especially if you are going to write about it. Look at it this way, if you write a book about your own story and people hate it, you are either a terrible writer or just not that interesting. Either way I look at it it’s hard to swallow. But I figure I have two choices in this life—I can be real with the world, put all I have out there or be stuck wondering if I ever could.
I met Shawn the night of my friend Alex’s birthday. I remember calling her up that night to tell her to stop working on her paper, go out, and have fun. Little did I know, she already was out having fun and she actually pulled me away from my mundane night to enjoy some fried pickles and karaoke. Shawn showed up with Jesse, who sadly enough did not make the cut for the telling of this journey—a fact that will make several of my girlfriends happy when they partake in this reading. Don’t worry this is not another story about how two people locked eyes across a dimly lit room and found themselves talking into the wee hours of the morning and declaring their love for one another as the sun rose. No, this simply begins with two strangers who start up an awkward conversation at the end of a long table, in a smoke filled room while their friends sing very badly and old people cheer them on. And the night ends with a standing ovation after a beautiful and touching rendition of “Summer Lovin’” by the whole group. Had the journey of Shawn and I ended that night I would not remember the look on his face when he sang, or the way he walked across the room towards our table, or even me leaning over to Alex asking her who the guy was with Jesse. Of course, it wasn’t until months later that our paths actually crossed again but that first encounter with Shawn is still some how ever present in my memory.
There are moments in life that for some reason stick with you for a lifetime. These are the moments that you can remember specific words that were said, exact details of the setting, the scent still lingers in your nose, and most of all the emotion still stirs in you. If it is a heart wrenching sad moment, you can still feel your eyes welling up with tears and the churning of your stomach. You can remember the moments right before your heart was ripped out of your chest and the naïve way of thinking that everything was going to be just fine. In those joyful moments you can still feel the laughter flowing through your veins, the look in someone’s eye as he glances at you. The butterflies still flutter through your stomach as you recall the exact moment his hand brushed against yours. Its funny how not every moment in life is remembered so clearly. Life is filled with sadness and joy but why is it that some are imprinted so deeply they become a part of your soul and others simply fade with time?
I encountered Shawn for the second time at an all day concert event. I cannot recall the various hours in between meeting him once again and the moment my phone rang and it was him but I do recall the moments after the phone call. We were simply feet away when he called and to this day I still do not know how he had gotten my number. Thus starts the journey. Never would I have imagined that night as I am sitting listening to the bands, talking to Kay and flirting with Shawn that in the next few months my life would change drastically. In the matter of months, certain events would occur that would alter the way I viewed myself, would send me in a downward spiral but on that night all I could think about was sitting beside Shawn on the grass. All I could think about was the cute text messages he kept sending me. All I could think about was the smile on my face that this boy had placed there. Who would have guessed that maybe this time I should have just walked away?
It has taken me a long time to come to the point in my life where I can look in the mirror and not be repulsed by the reflection staring back at me. For most of my life I either saw a chubby, plain girl, who would always be stuck in the best friend status or I saw the girl who just sold herself to feel loved. It is hard to admit the mistakes I have made—I never want anyone to look at me and see the sin I have committed, see the stains that were once there. And if I was completely honest I have a hard to time putting myself out there because for so long I simply imitated the person those around me expected me to be. Sadly though all people truly want is to encounter real, honest human beings. If we were all honest with one another, wouldn’t we find that the girl sitting next to us in class also struggles with loving herself or the guy passing us on the street has the same thoughts of suicide as we have? I have held these secrets in for so long because I was ashamed of what I had done—ashamed of who I had become but it is time for them to burst forth in truth. Some may say I am crazy for laying it all out there but the one I am concerned about is the one that I may help. So you can think I am crazy, you can dismiss these words as meaningless and never think of me again…and that’s okay by me, you were not the one I sat pouring out my heart for.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
to be known...
Day two...fail... It's okay though, I will not let myself get discouraged. Today is a new day and that is what I live for. I cannot go back and write yesterday all I can control is what I am going to do today. So welcome day 3.
As usual...I have nothing. I looked back at photos from a few years ago and although they brought laughter and a smile to my heart--these pictures also brought sadness and tears. I miss the connection to people that I had in my life, I miss community, I miss "wanda", I miss la bamba monday, I miss the pool house, I miss hanging out with friends and feeling connected to them. What was it about this group of people that made it so amazing? And why after 2 and half years in a new place have I rarely felt that?
I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. People that I cherish and love dearly but there is just something that keeps us from truly connecting in the way that community connected. And I would say that for most of my friendships they have grown father apart since I got married. I am no longer a part of the single women crowd, I am no longer welcome and never will be again. I am also not a mom, I am not welcome there and won't be until I have a baby. So here I am in the middle longing to have someone know me but there is no one and I begin to wonder, "Will there ever be?"
Have you ever known someone and you are just filled with this longing to be there friend; to know her story and for her to know yours? There are a handful of women that I know that I wish I could know better...but no matter what there is nothing I can do. I am not saying all of this to have people feel sorry for me because I know that I have friends, I know that there is nothing wrong with me...I simply have a longing to be known. And I feel that the culture of this town denies that and I just simply don't know how to cope with the reality.
How do you mourn the loss of a friendship? Not the loss of a friend through death, not the drifting apart kind of friendship but still talk once in a while...no the kind of loss that comes when one of you says to the other, "I can't be your friend anymore"? I had this best friend who knew me and supported me and I supported her. This friend was the best a girl could ask for, seriously. She was the kind of friend who would drive two hours for your birthday and bake you a cake. She was the kind of friend that you would do anything for you at anytime of the day no matter what. The friendship you thought would stand strong through any storm that poured down; one day came crumbling down. How does one heal from that?
I admit I am someone that wants to fix everything. I want to stop peoples' pain. I want to say the right thing or do the right thing to ease whatever someone is going through. I want to be liked, accepted and loved. I know that everyone wants those things but I go so far as, if someone seems to not like me I search out the reason why and try to change his or hers opinion. And until that occurs I wonder what it is about me that is keeping them from liking me and accepting me. I know I am a people pleaser and I know that that is not a gift but a curse. The thing is with this particular friendship there is nothing I can do to fix it, there is nothing I can say to change the fact that this friendship is something she doesn't want. Maybe I shouldn't even be sharing this but it was so strong on my heart. I miss this friend and I wish I could tell her that and have her believe my words.
As usual...I have nothing. I looked back at photos from a few years ago and although they brought laughter and a smile to my heart--these pictures also brought sadness and tears. I miss the connection to people that I had in my life, I miss community, I miss "wanda", I miss la bamba monday, I miss the pool house, I miss hanging out with friends and feeling connected to them. What was it about this group of people that made it so amazing? And why after 2 and half years in a new place have I rarely felt that?
I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. People that I cherish and love dearly but there is just something that keeps us from truly connecting in the way that community connected. And I would say that for most of my friendships they have grown father apart since I got married. I am no longer a part of the single women crowd, I am no longer welcome and never will be again. I am also not a mom, I am not welcome there and won't be until I have a baby. So here I am in the middle longing to have someone know me but there is no one and I begin to wonder, "Will there ever be?"
Have you ever known someone and you are just filled with this longing to be there friend; to know her story and for her to know yours? There are a handful of women that I know that I wish I could know better...but no matter what there is nothing I can do. I am not saying all of this to have people feel sorry for me because I know that I have friends, I know that there is nothing wrong with me...I simply have a longing to be known. And I feel that the culture of this town denies that and I just simply don't know how to cope with the reality.
How do you mourn the loss of a friendship? Not the loss of a friend through death, not the drifting apart kind of friendship but still talk once in a while...no the kind of loss that comes when one of you says to the other, "I can't be your friend anymore"? I had this best friend who knew me and supported me and I supported her. This friend was the best a girl could ask for, seriously. She was the kind of friend who would drive two hours for your birthday and bake you a cake. She was the kind of friend that you would do anything for you at anytime of the day no matter what. The friendship you thought would stand strong through any storm that poured down; one day came crumbling down. How does one heal from that?
I admit I am someone that wants to fix everything. I want to stop peoples' pain. I want to say the right thing or do the right thing to ease whatever someone is going through. I want to be liked, accepted and loved. I know that everyone wants those things but I go so far as, if someone seems to not like me I search out the reason why and try to change his or hers opinion. And until that occurs I wonder what it is about me that is keeping them from liking me and accepting me. I know I am a people pleaser and I know that that is not a gift but a curse. The thing is with this particular friendship there is nothing I can do to fix it, there is nothing I can say to change the fact that this friendship is something she doesn't want. Maybe I shouldn't even be sharing this but it was so strong on my heart. I miss this friend and I wish I could tell her that and have her believe my words.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
30x30 Challenge
Sunday at church our pastor gave us a challenge--for the next 30 days spend 30 minutes a day with Jesus. Through these 30 days we will learn discipline and among that we will find delight. I am taking this challenge and I am ready to see the Lord work in wonderful and amazing ways. I have also taken this challenge to a new level. I dream to be a writer, that's all I have ever truly wanted to be but in order to call myself a writer I must be devoted to writing, everyday. So, for the next 30 days I am also going to challenge myself to write 30 minutes everyday. WELCOME TO DAY ONE!
For the next 28 minutes I am going to write...whatever is on my mind. The outcome--who knows. The quality--who knows. I have learned that until I am disciplined I should focus on just getting words on the page. That with words and sentences and paragraphs you can edit, and reform and reword. But if the page is blank there's nothing. Whats the point of saying, I am a really great writer if you have nothing to show for it?
Its hard to write without a vision, without a thought to go on, why is that? I guess I have never been that good at the free for writing. Until I have vision for what I should write I am stuck either writing about how I don't know what I should write or running on and on about well...nothing. I know it should not be about what will be profound and what others will want to read but man...any writer will honestly say that they desire to have their words read and if that never happens then are they any good?
I struggle with comparison which I know are lies from the enemy that entrap us and create skewed images of reality. This past weekend at the create conference, during the opening worship session we were all given a blank sheet of paper and a crayon. The vision behind the crayon was as children we draw uninhibited by the world. We don't care if no one understands or sees what we see, we draw out of delight. The instructions were to draw a line down the middle and on the top portion draw our weaknesses, the way we view ourselves. My picture came out with a drawing of a small girl on one side who has a paper with an F, a book that is blank and words around her are nothing, nobody. Beside the small girl is a tall beautiful girl who has an A paper, a best seller and has a crown on her head. She is everything the small girl is not. For most of my life and even some days now I see myself as the small girl. That I am nothing, I am no body, and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to amount to even a fraction of what the other girl can. So the thought, "Why even bother?" floats around in my head and pretty soon that thought becomes "truth" and I soon believe that I should not even bother.
On the bottom part of the paper we were to draw the truth of God in our lives. Here I drew God breaking threw the chain of darkness and brokenness and on the other side, I am in His arms, there is light and growth and love. After drawing the truth of God we folded the paper in half, lifted our hands up and placed the paper so when we looked through our hands we saw the truth of God and the truth of God held our weaknesses. What I noticed was when I look at the truth of God I counldn't evenn see the lies that I believed. His Truth covers all lies!
I prayed that the Lord would help me to not let others talents, gifts and dreams keep me from following my own dreams and using my own gifts. Throughout the rest of the day those words were said in several different ways. Jesus wanted me to hear His truth, and He wanted me to really get it.
I desire to write a book, to share my story and I hope that I will hold on to His truth, that no matter how many people around me desire to do the same thing, it does not negate what The Lord has called me to do. Several years ago I said that the reason why I wanted to write was to share my story with other women and if one woman's life was touched it was worth it. That is still my desire...To help transform lives of the women around me and if even one woman's life is changed because of the words that Lord has spoken through me then well...I have accomplished what I set out to do in the first place.
For the next 28 minutes I am going to write...whatever is on my mind. The outcome--who knows. The quality--who knows. I have learned that until I am disciplined I should focus on just getting words on the page. That with words and sentences and paragraphs you can edit, and reform and reword. But if the page is blank there's nothing. Whats the point of saying, I am a really great writer if you have nothing to show for it?
Its hard to write without a vision, without a thought to go on, why is that? I guess I have never been that good at the free for writing. Until I have vision for what I should write I am stuck either writing about how I don't know what I should write or running on and on about well...nothing. I know it should not be about what will be profound and what others will want to read but man...any writer will honestly say that they desire to have their words read and if that never happens then are they any good?
I struggle with comparison which I know are lies from the enemy that entrap us and create skewed images of reality. This past weekend at the create conference, during the opening worship session we were all given a blank sheet of paper and a crayon. The vision behind the crayon was as children we draw uninhibited by the world. We don't care if no one understands or sees what we see, we draw out of delight. The instructions were to draw a line down the middle and on the top portion draw our weaknesses, the way we view ourselves. My picture came out with a drawing of a small girl on one side who has a paper with an F, a book that is blank and words around her are nothing, nobody. Beside the small girl is a tall beautiful girl who has an A paper, a best seller and has a crown on her head. She is everything the small girl is not. For most of my life and even some days now I see myself as the small girl. That I am nothing, I am no body, and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to amount to even a fraction of what the other girl can. So the thought, "Why even bother?" floats around in my head and pretty soon that thought becomes "truth" and I soon believe that I should not even bother.
On the bottom part of the paper we were to draw the truth of God in our lives. Here I drew God breaking threw the chain of darkness and brokenness and on the other side, I am in His arms, there is light and growth and love. After drawing the truth of God we folded the paper in half, lifted our hands up and placed the paper so when we looked through our hands we saw the truth of God and the truth of God held our weaknesses. What I noticed was when I look at the truth of God I counldn't evenn see the lies that I believed. His Truth covers all lies!
I prayed that the Lord would help me to not let others talents, gifts and dreams keep me from following my own dreams and using my own gifts. Throughout the rest of the day those words were said in several different ways. Jesus wanted me to hear His truth, and He wanted me to really get it.
I desire to write a book, to share my story and I hope that I will hold on to His truth, that no matter how many people around me desire to do the same thing, it does not negate what The Lord has called me to do. Several years ago I said that the reason why I wanted to write was to share my story with other women and if one woman's life was touched it was worth it. That is still my desire...To help transform lives of the women around me and if even one woman's life is changed because of the words that Lord has spoken through me then well...I have accomplished what I set out to do in the first place.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Create....
Today I learned something so profound it blew me away..."If you want to be a writer you have to write something...." I mean WOW! Why is it so hard for me to admit that I am a writer. I'm not published, there is only a hand full of people besides my professors that actually read what I write...but none of that makes me a writer. The mere fact that I think thoughts and put them into sentences makes me a writer. And today I got to live a dream of mine and I haven't felt that alive in a long time. Today at the "Create" conference in my breakout session we were asked to write something over our lunch break. Nothing perfect, nothing edited...but a piece that was raw. As I tried to think of what to write I did what any "good" writer does...I just started putting words on the page until I felt inspired. As I am struggling to put words together and running out of time I hear the Lord speak, "Write your story...that's what is real, that is what needs to be heard..." I went into the breakout session excited to share my piece. After our small group time of sharing our leader asked if there was any brave souls in the room that would like to share with the group. I found my heart racing and that feeling I get only when I know I need to take the risk...the question was, was I willing to leap? My hand went in the air and the next moment I found myself once again where I feel the most alive...sharing my story with the people around me.
This piece is inspired from a vision the Lord gave me a few years ago on the day I call "My Freedom Day"
I was once this broken girl who was locked in this dark damp room. My arms were in shackles chained to the wall. The only light was a slit at the top of the ceiling that wasn't a comfort but a mocking voice saying you will never feel the warmth of my rays or see the brilliance of my color because you are nothing. My hair was unkempt and my clothes were merely rags. And my feet, no there were not shoes on my feet because I would never go places. I was shut up and locked away because I was unlovable! True, men would come-proclaiming their love and my heart would swell, I saw hope, but in moments I found myself back locked away with nothing--no even less than that...emptiness. Yes emptiness. True, women would come in and give vision of wonderful friendship but in the same moment I started to feel my chains loosen, I found another link being added and more "truth" of how I wasn't even worthy of their conversation. Unintelligence crowded around me. There was nothing and no one.
Until one night I found myself laying in my prison when I heard a loud crash and a blazing light flooded my cell. There standing in what was once my prison door, stood my Saviour. He didn't talk, He didn't bring judgement--No what I saw were tears in His eyes. Was He actually crying for me? As those tears flowed down His face, He came near me and in a moment I felt my chains fall away. Not just the idea of them falling away, no literally the burden, the heaviness that these binds had on me was broken away. And then He did something I never thought anyone would ever do--He reached towards me and threw me into His arms, and not only did He take me out--He RAN out. He knew that by walking He would give me the choice to stay. No He Ran full out! The next moment I was in warm sun raze, smelling the most wonderful smells. And I look down at my self and see where I was once in rags, I was now in beautiful clothing. On my feet were sandals and I knew I was being restored. I tried to look back--but as I turned my head He whispered, " No my bride, it is no more, nothing, don't even bother looking back."
This piece is inspired from a vision the Lord gave me a few years ago on the day I call "My Freedom Day"
I was once this broken girl who was locked in this dark damp room. My arms were in shackles chained to the wall. The only light was a slit at the top of the ceiling that wasn't a comfort but a mocking voice saying you will never feel the warmth of my rays or see the brilliance of my color because you are nothing. My hair was unkempt and my clothes were merely rags. And my feet, no there were not shoes on my feet because I would never go places. I was shut up and locked away because I was unlovable! True, men would come-proclaiming their love and my heart would swell, I saw hope, but in moments I found myself back locked away with nothing--no even less than that...emptiness. Yes emptiness. True, women would come in and give vision of wonderful friendship but in the same moment I started to feel my chains loosen, I found another link being added and more "truth" of how I wasn't even worthy of their conversation. Unintelligence crowded around me. There was nothing and no one.
Until one night I found myself laying in my prison when I heard a loud crash and a blazing light flooded my cell. There standing in what was once my prison door, stood my Saviour. He didn't talk, He didn't bring judgement--No what I saw were tears in His eyes. Was He actually crying for me? As those tears flowed down His face, He came near me and in a moment I felt my chains fall away. Not just the idea of them falling away, no literally the burden, the heaviness that these binds had on me was broken away. And then He did something I never thought anyone would ever do--He reached towards me and threw me into His arms, and not only did He take me out--He RAN out. He knew that by walking He would give me the choice to stay. No He Ran full out! The next moment I was in warm sun raze, smelling the most wonderful smells. And I look down at my self and see where I was once in rags, I was now in beautiful clothing. On my feet were sandals and I knew I was being restored. I tried to look back--but as I turned my head He whispered, " No my bride, it is no more, nothing, don't even bother looking back."
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