The last weekend in June was the straw that broke the camels back. Shawn came to visit…a whole weekend with the man I loved. I knew that this was the weekend that would knock me out of the funk that I had fallen into. That being in his arms would wash away all of the pain, looking into his eyes I would see his love and it would fill my soul. Even though it has been, 2 and half years the events of that weekend are still moments that make me cringe. Until those two days I never thought another time could turn my world even more on its end as did graduation weekend. I remember sitting on the floor of Bobbi Jo’s house, talking to her about her new place, how she was going to decorate it when my phone rang. When I looked at the screen and saw that it was Shawn my heart leapt and hearing his voice telling me that he was mere blocks away sent it soaring. I literally ran out of Bobbi Jo’s house and I couldn’t get home fast enough—I would be in the arms of the man I loved in moments! I remember pulling up to my apartment and seeing him standing there waiting for me and how I just melted. All of my worries, all of the pain I had felt just washed away, they didn’t matter anymore—Shawn was here.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
continuing the story
this next installment is fairly personal...you may think i am stupid for sharing and you may get uncomfortable, but i have learned that speaking light into darkness truly brings freedom. so please read...but read with care.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
sante fa stew :)
this is for you carly :)
i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home. i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :) this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger). i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book. and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make. it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch. I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat. if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more. so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!
1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies. i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.
In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.
how awesome is that? a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!
i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home. i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :) this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger). i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book. and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make. it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch. I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat. if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more. so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!
1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies. i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.
In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.
how awesome is that? a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
tooting my own horn....
i read on a friend of mine's blog that sometimes you have to toot your own horn...and it is so true. we all like when others recognize our work, give us a high five for a job well done, tell us we did something well, thanked us for the work we did etc. but the reality is, unfortunately is those instances don't always happen. so why not recognize yourself once in awhile, reward yourself for a job well done, "high five" yourself for a working hard.
its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life. so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know? i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible." but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence.
i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do. even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me. its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards. i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone. no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department. i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost. you could say i am an expert on our shoes :)
i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me. even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :) i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats. seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael. it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do. call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family. i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :)
i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband. it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time. i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write. maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time. that day will be a great day :)
its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life. so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know? i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible." but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence.
i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do. even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me. its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards. i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone. no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department. i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost. you could say i am an expert on our shoes :)
i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me. even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :) i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats. seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael. it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do. call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family. i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :)
i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband. it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time. i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write. maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time. that day will be a great day :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
the everyday
The alarm goes off at the same 6:45 a.m. time every morning. And every morning at 7:05 a.m. we get up. The showering and getting dressed is the same routine and even for me its the same clothing. Breakfast is made and consumed, lunches are packed, teeth are brushed, lips are kissed and goodbyes are said. The next eight hours go by just about the same...asking the same one line over and over again. Picking up merchandise off the floor, putting it back where it belongs, answering phone calls in the same way. Break happens, lunch happens, break happens...some talking with friendly co-workers. Getting frustrated over the same things...when will I just get over things? I try to have joy, I try and not give into gossip. The only change is I feel myself getting mean, and that's not me. Its just hard to not become a stone in this place...but mean is not who I want to become. Go home to do the same things, fix dinner, watch tv online.... Maybe I should read, maybe I should do something!
I don't want to become one of those people who complains about life and the boringness of it...because lets face it, every moment can't be spent at Disney World, getting married, having a new baby, seeing family, Christmas and Birthday's. Most days are well the day I just had with nothing really worth writing or talking about but I still want to share. I do have a pretty sweet life if I really think about it. I mean I have a nice home which is mine, great friends and an amazing husband who looks at me everyday like he is seeing me for the first time. And there really isn't anything boring about that is there?
I don't want to become one of those people who complains about life and the boringness of it...because lets face it, every moment can't be spent at Disney World, getting married, having a new baby, seeing family, Christmas and Birthday's. Most days are well the day I just had with nothing really worth writing or talking about but I still want to share. I do have a pretty sweet life if I really think about it. I mean I have a nice home which is mine, great friends and an amazing husband who looks at me everyday like he is seeing me for the first time. And there really isn't anything boring about that is there?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
John 15
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this; Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."
For the past twelve days I have read this chapter everyday and everyday a new portion is highlighted. Today as I read that Jesus calls me friend, I started crying. Friendship has always been important to me. It is not something I take lightly. I hold dear those that I call friends and I cherish those that call me friend. It is a comfort to know, in the mist of friendship lost Jesus reminds me that I am His friend, that He chose me to be His friend. I think that is the hope of everyone's heart--to be chosen by someone to be their friend. As I read that portion tonight I felt like a little kid standing in the big group as two really cool kids choose teams. I am the kid that usually gets picked last but today, the coolest of the coolest kids just called my name first!!! I am his friend! I get to play on His team!!! And no matter what has happened today, or yesterday or last week, even though all of the other times I was picked last...Today trumps all else! Jesus calls me friend! and not only that, HE chose me! AND, His joy is in me so my joy may be complete. Now, I don't know about you but that's a good day. :)
To my friends, you know who you are :) I love you and I cherish you. Oh and one more thing...I am your friend!
For the past twelve days I have read this chapter everyday and everyday a new portion is highlighted. Today as I read that Jesus calls me friend, I started crying. Friendship has always been important to me. It is not something I take lightly. I hold dear those that I call friends and I cherish those that call me friend. It is a comfort to know, in the mist of friendship lost Jesus reminds me that I am His friend, that He chose me to be His friend. I think that is the hope of everyone's heart--to be chosen by someone to be their friend. As I read that portion tonight I felt like a little kid standing in the big group as two really cool kids choose teams. I am the kid that usually gets picked last but today, the coolest of the coolest kids just called my name first!!! I am his friend! I get to play on His team!!! And no matter what has happened today, or yesterday or last week, even though all of the other times I was picked last...Today trumps all else! Jesus calls me friend! and not only that, HE chose me! AND, His joy is in me so my joy may be complete. Now, I don't know about you but that's a good day. :)
To my friends, you know who you are :) I love you and I cherish you. Oh and one more thing...I am your friend!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
the story continues
Here is the next "installment" of my story...enjoy!
My story isn’t worth reading because I am simply the most fabulous writer. The truth is I’m not and my story may very well not be worth reading but I want to share it so I can share something even more than my simple words. I want to share the story of a friend of mine and how He shaped my heart and brought me through me journey--His name is Jesus. I have spent many nights crying on His shoulder, asking Him to ease my pain. Through the years I have made mistakes and walked away from Him. Every time I know He cried as He watched me turn the corner and every time He dried my tears when I came running back to Him. He is the one who pressed on my heart, He showed me that my hurts, my scars were there for me to use. That every pain wasn’t experienced in vain, but He would use them for His glory. I just didn’t know what that meant at the time. I simply held on to the hope that maybe the mistakes I made would bring good.
The events of that night would be just as meaningless as the night of Alex’s birthday had I not gotten a text from Shawn the next day that made me smile and feel as if I truly was someone special. I cannot recall the exact words of the text, but I can for some reason remember exactly where I was, how I was sitting, that it was sunny outside and that I was not expecting to hear from him. My phone rang letting me know that I had a text and on the screen there was Shawn’s name. Any girl who has gotten that call or email or text message or letter or some form of communication from the guy she really likes knows exactly how I felt in that moment. In the moments right after that text and even days after, my heart was full, I had a smile on my face that would not go away and butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my stomach.
The next month and half is a blur of happy memories. I remember never feeling as cared for and loved as I did when I was with Shawn. Our first kiss was one of well…to be completely cliché, of magic. Like most magic tricks, I can’t tell you the details, can’t reveal how it happened. I honestly cannot remember what was going on in my head the moment before, what we were talking about, or what we had been doing. I am fairly certain we were sitting on the couch in my living room and Shawn had biked over that night to see me. I remember times of sitting on his front porch, I remember taking walks with him. I remember Shawn’s strength, the way he ran on his toes, the way he climbed a ladder and I remember his eyes. Those eyes that were not green and not brown but somehow both. A circle of green that flowed into a circle of brown. Those eyes who pierced my heart from the first moment of our journey. Those eyes who held me captive. Two weeks into our relationship we shared those three words with one another. I always laughed at those movies where two people meet in the beginning of the movie and a few days later say, “I love you!” but in that moment of my life…I knew what it was to fall in love so quickly.
I know there are skeptics out there--people who believe that Love takes time, it must “slow roast” so to speak. But there are times that Love is thrown into a “pressure cooker” and what does blossom is true. Some would say its infatuation not love that forms, but what I have become a firm believer on is no one can judge another’s heart. What may be true for one is not true for another. Some create a huge mess when using a pressure cooker while others end up burning whatever they are slow roasting. You can control your heart, you do have power over emotions, you do have say in what it does and says but I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather not have control in my hands but someone has to fly the plane. During the time of Shawn my heart wasn’t being piloted at all. It was out of control and in the beginning it was thrilling but logic shows that eventually it has to crash.
My story isn’t worth reading because I am simply the most fabulous writer. The truth is I’m not and my story may very well not be worth reading but I want to share it so I can share something even more than my simple words. I want to share the story of a friend of mine and how He shaped my heart and brought me through me journey--His name is Jesus. I have spent many nights crying on His shoulder, asking Him to ease my pain. Through the years I have made mistakes and walked away from Him. Every time I know He cried as He watched me turn the corner and every time He dried my tears when I came running back to Him. He is the one who pressed on my heart, He showed me that my hurts, my scars were there for me to use. That every pain wasn’t experienced in vain, but He would use them for His glory. I just didn’t know what that meant at the time. I simply held on to the hope that maybe the mistakes I made would bring good.
The events of that night would be just as meaningless as the night of Alex’s birthday had I not gotten a text from Shawn the next day that made me smile and feel as if I truly was someone special. I cannot recall the exact words of the text, but I can for some reason remember exactly where I was, how I was sitting, that it was sunny outside and that I was not expecting to hear from him. My phone rang letting me know that I had a text and on the screen there was Shawn’s name. Any girl who has gotten that call or email or text message or letter or some form of communication from the guy she really likes knows exactly how I felt in that moment. In the moments right after that text and even days after, my heart was full, I had a smile on my face that would not go away and butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my stomach.
The next month and half is a blur of happy memories. I remember never feeling as cared for and loved as I did when I was with Shawn. Our first kiss was one of well…to be completely cliché, of magic. Like most magic tricks, I can’t tell you the details, can’t reveal how it happened. I honestly cannot remember what was going on in my head the moment before, what we were talking about, or what we had been doing. I am fairly certain we were sitting on the couch in my living room and Shawn had biked over that night to see me. I remember times of sitting on his front porch, I remember taking walks with him. I remember Shawn’s strength, the way he ran on his toes, the way he climbed a ladder and I remember his eyes. Those eyes that were not green and not brown but somehow both. A circle of green that flowed into a circle of brown. Those eyes who pierced my heart from the first moment of our journey. Those eyes who held me captive. Two weeks into our relationship we shared those three words with one another. I always laughed at those movies where two people meet in the beginning of the movie and a few days later say, “I love you!” but in that moment of my life…I knew what it was to fall in love so quickly.
I know there are skeptics out there--people who believe that Love takes time, it must “slow roast” so to speak. But there are times that Love is thrown into a “pressure cooker” and what does blossom is true. Some would say its infatuation not love that forms, but what I have become a firm believer on is no one can judge another’s heart. What may be true for one is not true for another. Some create a huge mess when using a pressure cooker while others end up burning whatever they are slow roasting. You can control your heart, you do have power over emotions, you do have say in what it does and says but I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather not have control in my hands but someone has to fly the plane. During the time of Shawn my heart wasn’t being piloted at all. It was out of control and in the beginning it was thrilling but logic shows that eventually it has to crash.
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