continuing the story

this next installment is fairly personal...you may think i am stupid for sharing and you may get uncomfortable, but i have learned that speaking light into darkness truly brings freedom.  so please read...but read with care.

The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart.  There are wonderful moments in those few days.  Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother.  There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER!  Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures.  Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress.  It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory. 

I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present.  I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight.  In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever.  I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks.  I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping.  Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible.  What did I just do, what did WE just do? 

The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew.  As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family.  I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it.  I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend.  No one knew what was truly going on inside.  How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt.  My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced.  Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes.  Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday.  He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter.  This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears.  Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone.  I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again. 

I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out.  I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious.  I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life.  The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion.  One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.”  (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real.  Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am .  I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie.  I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean”  etched on my soul. 

Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth.  For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life.  I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention.  It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked.  I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after.  I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me?  I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing.  There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on.  There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation.  So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation.  But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest.  I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen.  Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious.  He just knew the right words to say in the moment.  David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could.  We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special.  I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it.  Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but  in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.