sante fa stew :)

this is for you carly :)

i got this recipe out of a ladies church cookbook from my church back home.  i made my own changes here and there, either because i didn't have the item or because i thought it would make it better :)  this stew seriously is the easiest thing ever and the cost to make it is under $10 (depending on the price of your hamburger).  i don't know about you but any meal that is cheap and good is a winner in my book.  and living on a budget it helps when you can pull something together that doesn't break the bank to make.  it feeds michael and i for dinner (two bowls each) and a bowl each for lunch.  I would say it would feed a family of four for one meal, depending on how much each of you eat.  if you add tortillas or a sandwich you could probably feed more.  so here is the recipe with my notes...let me know what you think!

1 lb of ground beef (brown and drain) *i usually use a package that is slightly over a lb just to have more meat
onion-cooked with beef  *it calls for 1/4 cup but i just put in as much as i feel like that day, i also add a green bell pepper if i have one on hand
1small can of green chilies
1pkg. hidden valley ranch mix
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can of corn with juice *i like the canned sweet corn just because it gives a great flavor...but really use whatever is cheapest :)
1 can of chopped tomatoes *if you like things a little more spicy i use rotell or diced tomatoes with green chilies.  i also use the liquid from the tomatoes as part of my 1/2 cup of water 
1 can of kidney beans *if you don't have kidney beans in your cupboard use any bean really
1/2 cup water
i also add: palm full of lemon pepper and about a half to a palm full of tony's seasoning to give it more flavor.

In a large pot , mix all the ingredients, boil and simmer for 30-45 minutes.  

how awesome is that?  a one pot dinner that is cheap and delicious!    

 

tooting my own horn....

i read on a friend of mine's blog that sometimes you have to toot your own horn...and it is so true.  we all like when others recognize our work, give us a high five for a job well done, tell us we did something well, thanked us for the work we did etc.  but the reality is, unfortunately is those instances don't always happen.  so why not recognize yourself once in awhile, reward yourself for a job well done, "high five" yourself for a working hard. 

its hard for me to think of myself as having talent, especially when i am surrounded with such amazingly talented people in my life.  so much so its hard for me to believe that they are my friends you know?  i'm like screech on "saved by the bell" whose best friends are the most popular kids in school...and you have to wonder, "how is that possible."  but screech had great qualities and he was happy with who he was and unashamed of his feelings and his intelligence. 

i am a really hard worker, who takes pride in the job i do.  even though its a simple shoe department in a retail store...its "mine" and it reflects on me.  its a joke at work when i close and i ask to you want it done to my standards or "lets get out of here" standards.  i always see the the work that needs to me done and its hard to leave work undone.  no one else knows all the in and outs of the shoe department.  i know where every shoe belongs, if its on clearance, if we are sold out and mostly how much each shoe cost.  you could say i am an expert on our shoes :) 

i am a good cook...how could i not be with my mom and grandma teaching me.  even though i struggle with being "creative" sometimes i always put something good on the table :)  i really enjoy cooking for my husband and hearing his reactions to the food he eats.  seriously one of my favorite things to do is cook for michael.  it doesn't feel like a chore...but truly what i was made to do.  call me old fashioned but no matter how good i am at selling shoes all i really want to do is be at home and take care of my family.  i get so much joy out of cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store, cooking dinner...yes its hard work and true its just michael and me right now but its wonderful :) 

i say i want more out of life once in awhile and it doesn't mean i am not happy with who i am and my life with my husband.  it really means i want more of what brings me joy and less of what makes me feel like i am wasting my time.  i want more time at home, i want more time to disciple girls, i want more time to be with my husband, i want more time to search for new recipes, i want more time to write.  maybe one day i will hang up my "shoe belt" and be able to have that time.  that day will be a great day :)  

the everyday

The alarm goes off at the same 6:45 a.m. time every morning.  And every morning at 7:05 a.m. we get up.  The showering and getting dressed is the same routine and even for me its the same clothing.  Breakfast is made and consumed, lunches are packed, teeth are brushed, lips are kissed and goodbyes are said.  The next eight hours go by just about the same...asking the same one line over and over again.  Picking up merchandise off the floor, putting it back where it belongs, answering phone calls in the same way.  Break happens, lunch happens, break happens...some talking with friendly co-workers.  Getting frustrated over the same things...when will I just get over things?  I try to have joy, I try and not give into gossip.  The only change is I feel myself getting mean, and that's not me.  Its just hard to not become a stone in this place...but mean is not who I want to become.  Go home to do the same things, fix dinner, watch tv online.... Maybe I should read, maybe I should do something! 

I don't want to become one of those people who complains about life and the boringness of it...because lets face it, every moment can't be spent at Disney World, getting married, having a new baby, seeing family, Christmas and Birthday's.  Most days are well the day I just had with nothing really worth writing or talking about but I still want to share.  I do have a pretty sweet life if I really think about it.  I mean I have a nice home which is mine, great friends and an amazing husband who looks at me everyday like he is seeing me for the first time.  And there really isn't anything boring about that is there?

John 15

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are  already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.  If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.  This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.  As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.  Now remain in my love.  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my  joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this; Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has  no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead I have called you friends, for everything that  I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last.  Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  This is my command: Love each other."

For the past twelve days I have read this chapter everyday and everyday a new portion is highlighted.  Today as I read that Jesus calls me friend, I started crying.  Friendship has always been important to me.  It is not something I take lightly.  I hold dear those that I call friends and I cherish those that call me friend.  It is a comfort to know, in the mist of friendship lost Jesus reminds me that I am His friend, that He chose me to be His friend.  I think that is the hope of everyone's heart--to be chosen by someone to be their friend.  As I read that portion tonight I felt like a little kid standing in the big group as two really cool kids choose teams.  I am the kid that usually gets picked last but today, the coolest of the coolest kids just called my name first!!!  I am his friend!  I get to play on His team!!!  And no matter what has happened today, or yesterday or last week, even though all of the other times I was picked last...Today trumps all else!  Jesus calls me friend!  and not only that, HE chose me!  AND, His joy is in me so my joy may be complete.  Now, I don't know about you but that's a good day.  :)

To my friends, you know who you are :)  I love you and I cherish you.  Oh and one more thing...I am your friend! 

the story continues

Here is the next "installment" of my story...enjoy!

My story isn’t worth reading because I am simply the most fabulous writer.  The truth is I’m not and my story may very well not be worth reading but I want to share it so I can share something even more than my simple words.  I want to share the story of a friend of mine and how He shaped my heart and brought me through me journey--His name is Jesus.  I have spent many nights crying on His shoulder, asking Him to ease my pain.  Through the years I have made mistakes and walked away from Him.  Every time I know He cried as He watched me turn the corner and every time He dried my tears when I came running back to Him.  He is the one who pressed on my heart, He showed me that my hurts, my scars were there for me to use.  That every pain wasn’t experienced in vain, but He would use them for His glory.  I just didn’t know what that meant at the time.  I simply held on to the hope that maybe the mistakes I made would bring good. 

The events of that night would be just as meaningless as the night of Alex’s birthday had I not gotten a text from Shawn the next day that made me smile and feel as if I truly was someone special.  I cannot recall the exact words of the text, but I can for some reason remember exactly where I was, how I was sitting, that it was sunny outside and that I was not expecting to hear from him.  My phone rang letting me know that I had a text and on the screen there was Shawn’s name.  Any girl who has gotten that call or email or text message or letter or some form of communication from the guy she really likes knows exactly how I felt in that moment.  In the moments right after that text and even days after, my heart was full, I had a smile on my face that would not go away and butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my stomach.   

The next month and half is a blur of happy memories.  I remember never feeling as cared for and loved as I did when I was with Shawn.  Our first kiss was one of well…to be completely cliché, of magic.  Like most magic tricks, I can’t tell you the details, can’t reveal how it happened.  I honestly cannot remember what was going on in my head the moment before, what we were talking about, or what we had been doing.  I am fairly certain we were sitting on the couch in my living room and Shawn had biked over that night to see me.  I remember times of sitting on his front porch, I remember taking walks with him.  I remember Shawn’s strength, the way he ran on his toes, the way he climbed a ladder and I remember his eyes.  Those eyes that were not green and not brown but somehow both.  A circle of green that flowed into a circle of brown.  Those eyes who pierced my heart from the first moment of our journey.  Those eyes who held me captive.  Two weeks into our relationship we shared those three words with one another.  I always laughed at those movies where two people meet in the beginning of the movie and a few days later say, “I love you!”  but in that moment of my life…I knew what it was to fall in love so quickly. 

I know there are skeptics out there--people who believe that Love takes time, it must “slow roast” so to speak.  But there are times that Love is thrown into a “pressure cooker” and what does blossom is true.  Some would say its infatuation not love that forms, but what I have become a firm believer on is no one can judge another’s heart.  What may be true for one is not true for another.  Some create a huge mess when using a pressure cooker while others end up burning whatever they are slow roasting.  You can control your heart, you do have power over emotions, you do have say in what it does and says but I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather not have control in my hands but someone has to fly the plane.  During the time of Shawn my heart wasn’t being piloted at all.  It was out of control and in the beginning it was thrilling but logic shows that eventually it has to crash.

the challenge

The challenge was to first spend time with Jesus for 30 minutes everyday for 30 days and the second was to write 30 minutes everyday for 30 days.  Needless to say I failed on both accounts.  I sit here in front of my computer writing for the first times in a while.  To give the excuse that I am too busy would be a lie.  I have the time to watch a few TV shows a day, I have time to play on our Wii...Super Mario Brothers is addicting.  But at the end of the day the things that I know will enhance my life, will make me a better person lay on touched.  Most days I havn't spent time with Jesus and almost everyday I haven't written more than two words, let alone created a sentence.  My natural tendency would be to see myself as a failure and come to the conclusion that I will never accomplish what I set out to do.  But the truth is this, I am not a failure.  I could spend the next hour or so spouting of scripture and telling all the "churchy" answers about how God has redeemed me and all of that.  As true as all of that is, I don't want to just be cliche.  I don't want to be the writer or person for that matter that only speaks the things that are the typical sayings.  And more than that, those typical words no matter how true they are, are the easy ones to say.  I desire to be vulnerable, to put my story out there for others to read.  See the truth is, is I have been trying over the past few months, to write about anything but what I know I am suppose to write about, what I haven felt called to stare for a couple of years now. 

One of fears is actually having to remember those times, remember the pain, remember the mistakes in order to write about them.  I mean who wants to relive the hardest parts of her life?  It was bad enough the first time around.  Another fear is, well I am afraid that this picture that people have painted of who Amy will turn out to be a false one and then I am left with feeling like I have falsely represented myself to those around me.  I also worry that people will read it and think, "Why in the world did she just share that big old mess?  Now everyone just knows her business and nothing good came of it...I just feel uncomfortable."  The truth of the matter is honestly my story will make others uncomfortable, it may even offend some people.  But if I make you uncomfortable you have to ask yourself, "Why does this vulnerability make me feel this way?"  So here goes, here is the first part of my story...and to be honest no I did not write this tonight, I wrote these words about two years ago...its just taken me this long to have the courage to share them.  Please let me know what you think.  You are my audience, I want your feed back. 

I have started this paragraph about a hundred times trying to figure out the best way to start this story.  First off, I can’t truly call this a story, even though it is a telling of specific events—these words, these sentences are more about a journey than a story.  A journey that I lived out everyday.  I felt every pain, enjoyed every laugh, and partook in every tear.  Even now as I reread what I just wrote I wonder if I should trash these sentences and find a better way to start—a more professional way, a more literary way but then if I did than I would start this journey off not being true to who I am.  Putting oneself out there for the whole world to see is a tough thing to do—especially if you are going to write about it.  Look at it this way, if you write a book about your own story and people hate it, you are either a terrible writer or just not that interesting.  Either way I look at it it’s hard to swallow.  But I figure I have two choices in this life—I can be real with the world, put all I have out there or be stuck wondering if I ever could.

I met Shawn the night of my friend Alex’s birthday.  I remember calling her up that night to tell her to stop working on her paper, go out, and have fun.  Little did I know, she already was out having fun and she actually pulled me away from my mundane night to enjoy some fried pickles and karaoke.  Shawn showed up with Jesse, who sadly enough did not make the cut for the telling of this journey—a fact that will make several of my girlfriends happy when they partake in this reading.  Don’t worry this is not another story about how two people locked eyes across a dimly lit room and found themselves talking into the wee hours of the morning and declaring their love for one another as the sun rose.  No, this simply begins with two strangers who start up an awkward conversation at the end of a long table, in a smoke filled room while their friends sing very badly and old people cheer them on.  And the night ends with a standing ovation after a beautiful and touching rendition of “Summer Lovin’” by the whole group.  Had the journey of Shawn and I ended that night I would not remember the look on his face when he sang, or the way he walked across the room towards our table, or even me leaning over to Alex asking her who the guy was with Jesse.  Of course, it wasn’t until months later that our paths actually crossed again but that first encounter with Shawn is still some how ever present in my memory.

There are moments in life that for some reason stick with you for a lifetime.  These are the moments that you can remember specific words that were said, exact details of the setting, the scent still lingers in your nose, and most of all the emotion still stirs in you.  If it is a heart wrenching sad moment, you can still feel your eyes welling up with tears and the churning of your stomach.  You can remember the moments right before your heart was ripped out of your chest and the naïve way of thinking that everything was going to be just fine.  In those joyful moments you can still feel the laughter flowing through your veins, the look in someone’s eye as he glances at you.  The butterflies still flutter through your stomach as you recall the exact moment his hand brushed against yours.  Its funny how not every moment in life is remembered so clearly.  Life is filled with sadness and joy but why is it that some are imprinted so deeply they become a part of your soul and others simply fade with time?

I encountered Shawn for the second time at an all day concert event.  I cannot recall the various hours in between meeting him once again and the moment my phone rang and it was him but I do recall the moments after the phone call.  We were simply feet away when he called and to this day I still do not know how he had gotten my number.  Thus starts the journey.  Never would I have imagined that night as I am sitting listening to the bands, talking to Kay and flirting with Shawn that in the next few months my life would change drastically.  In the matter of months, certain events would occur that would alter the way I viewed myself, would send me in a downward spiral but on that night all I could think about was sitting beside Shawn on the grass.  All I could think about was the cute text messages he kept sending me.  All I could think about was the smile on my face that this boy had placed there.  Who would have guessed that maybe this time I should have just walked away?

It has taken me a long time to come to the point in my life where I can look in the mirror and not be repulsed by the reflection staring back at me.  For most of my life I either saw a chubby, plain girl, who would always be stuck in the best friend status or I saw the girl who just sold herself to feel loved.  It is hard to admit the mistakes I have made—I never want anyone to look at me and see the sin I have committed, see the stains that were once there.  And if I was completely honest I have a hard to time putting myself out there because for so long I simply imitated the person those around me expected me to be.  Sadly though all people truly want is to encounter real, honest human beings.  If we were all honest with one another, wouldn’t we find that the girl sitting next to us in class also struggles with loving herself or the guy passing us on the street has the same thoughts of suicide as we have?  I have held these secrets in for so long because I was ashamed of what I had done—ashamed of who I had become but it is time for them to burst forth in truth.  Some may say I am crazy for laying it all out there but the one I am concerned about is the one that I may help.  So you can think I am crazy, you can dismiss these words as meaningless and never think of me again…and that’s okay by me, you were not the one I sat pouring out my heart for. 

to be known...

Day two...fail...  It's okay though, I will not let myself get discouraged.  Today is a new day and that is what I live for.  I cannot go back and write yesterday all I can control is what I am going to do today.  So welcome day 3. 

As usual...I have nothing.  I looked back at photos from a few years ago and although they brought laughter and a smile to my heart--these pictures also brought sadness and tears.  I miss the connection to people that I had in my life, I miss community, I miss "wanda", I miss la bamba monday, I miss the pool house, I miss hanging out with friends and feeling connected to them.  What was it about this group of people that made it so amazing?  And why after 2 and half years in a new place have I rarely felt that? 

I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong.  People that I cherish and love dearly but there is just something that keeps us from truly connecting in the way that community connected.  And I would say that for most of my friendships they have grown father apart since I got married.  I am no longer a part of the single women crowd, I am no longer welcome and never will be again.  I am also not a mom, I am not welcome there and won't be until I have a baby.  So here I am in the middle longing to have someone know me but there is no one and I begin to wonder, "Will there ever be?"

Have you ever known someone and you are just filled with this longing to be there friend; to know her story and for her to know yours?  There are a handful of women that I know that I wish I could know better...but no matter what there is nothing I can do.  I am not saying all of this to have people feel sorry for me because I know that I have friends, I know that there is nothing wrong with me...I simply have a longing to be known.  And I feel that the culture of this town denies that and I just simply don't know how to cope with the reality. 

How do you mourn the loss of a friendship?  Not the loss of a friend through death, not the drifting apart kind of friendship but still talk once in a while...no the kind of loss that comes when one of you says to the other, "I can't be your friend anymore"?  I had this best friend who knew me and supported me and I supported her.  This friend was the best a girl could ask for, seriously.  She was the kind of friend who would drive two hours for your birthday and bake you a cake.  She was the kind of friend that you would do anything for you at anytime of the day no matter what.  The friendship you thought would stand strong through any storm that poured down; one day came crumbling down.  How does one heal from that? 

I admit I am someone that wants to fix everything.  I want to stop peoples' pain.  I want to say the right thing or do the right thing to ease whatever someone is going through.  I want to be liked, accepted and loved.  I know that everyone wants those things but I go so far as, if someone seems to not like me I search out the reason why and try to change his or hers opinion.  And until that occurs I wonder what it is about me that is keeping them from liking me and accepting me.  I know I am a people pleaser and I know that that is not a gift but a curse.  The thing is with this particular friendship there is nothing I can do to fix it, there is nothing I can say to change the fact that this friendship is something she doesn't want.  Maybe I shouldn't even be sharing this but it was so strong on my heart.  I miss this friend and I wish I could tell her that and have her believe my words.