to be known...

Day two...fail...  It's okay though, I will not let myself get discouraged.  Today is a new day and that is what I live for.  I cannot go back and write yesterday all I can control is what I am going to do today.  So welcome day 3. 

As usual...I have nothing.  I looked back at photos from a few years ago and although they brought laughter and a smile to my heart--these pictures also brought sadness and tears.  I miss the connection to people that I had in my life, I miss community, I miss "wanda", I miss la bamba monday, I miss the pool house, I miss hanging out with friends and feeling connected to them.  What was it about this group of people that made it so amazing?  And why after 2 and half years in a new place have I rarely felt that? 

I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong.  People that I cherish and love dearly but there is just something that keeps us from truly connecting in the way that community connected.  And I would say that for most of my friendships they have grown father apart since I got married.  I am no longer a part of the single women crowd, I am no longer welcome and never will be again.  I am also not a mom, I am not welcome there and won't be until I have a baby.  So here I am in the middle longing to have someone know me but there is no one and I begin to wonder, "Will there ever be?"

Have you ever known someone and you are just filled with this longing to be there friend; to know her story and for her to know yours?  There are a handful of women that I know that I wish I could know better...but no matter what there is nothing I can do.  I am not saying all of this to have people feel sorry for me because I know that I have friends, I know that there is nothing wrong with me...I simply have a longing to be known.  And I feel that the culture of this town denies that and I just simply don't know how to cope with the reality. 

How do you mourn the loss of a friendship?  Not the loss of a friend through death, not the drifting apart kind of friendship but still talk once in a while...no the kind of loss that comes when one of you says to the other, "I can't be your friend anymore"?  I had this best friend who knew me and supported me and I supported her.  This friend was the best a girl could ask for, seriously.  She was the kind of friend who would drive two hours for your birthday and bake you a cake.  She was the kind of friend that you would do anything for you at anytime of the day no matter what.  The friendship you thought would stand strong through any storm that poured down; one day came crumbling down.  How does one heal from that? 

I admit I am someone that wants to fix everything.  I want to stop peoples' pain.  I want to say the right thing or do the right thing to ease whatever someone is going through.  I want to be liked, accepted and loved.  I know that everyone wants those things but I go so far as, if someone seems to not like me I search out the reason why and try to change his or hers opinion.  And until that occurs I wonder what it is about me that is keeping them from liking me and accepting me.  I know I am a people pleaser and I know that that is not a gift but a curse.  The thing is with this particular friendship there is nothing I can do to fix it, there is nothing I can say to change the fact that this friendship is something she doesn't want.  Maybe I shouldn't even be sharing this but it was so strong on my heart.  I miss this friend and I wish I could tell her that and have her believe my words.