I am learning that each day is filled with "Lets just laugh at that" kind of moments. What I mean by that, is there are times when the enemy speaks lies and hurtful things into our lives. We have two choices, we can either except it as truth and allow the lie to gain grown and grow roots or we can disregard it for the lie it truly is. The best way I have found is to laugh at the lie in its face. No, I did not come up with this idea on my own. I learned this exercise from two very wise teachers. This practice may seem rather strange and you may be laughing at me right now, but trust me when have you ever felt worse after a laughing fit? Laughter truly brings joy to the soul.
Today I had someone tell me something that was not well very nice and was not true. It is not all that important what was said, just that the one sided conversation was one that most people would never have to someone's face. In the moment, I felt my anger rising and all I wanted to do was yell back at this person, however by the grace of God I held my tongue and said virtually nothing. Afterwards, I sort of just started at the phone in wonder that that really just happened. Now, I could have justifiably gotten angry but honestly what good was that going to do? So instead...I laughed. And every time I thought about the event I chuckled to myself. So, instead of bring me down, I found joy and life in the situation.
This may not make a whole lot of sense and I am fairly sure it doesn't but I wanted to pass on the spirit of laughter. It truly is a wonder medicine. I am so tired right now that honestly I should be curled up in bed but for some reason, my keyboard was calling to my fingers to type and a longing inside of me to write something beautiful and inspiring filled my soul. Now, the fact that this is what came out, for that I am truly sorry. On the up side, there are only like two of you that actually read my blogs so I will only confuse a small amount :) Or maybe I will make you laugh, which in turn was the true purpose of this whole thing in the first place.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
courageous
Michael and I went and saw the movie "Courageous" tonight and I was blown away! I love that it tackled the issue of fatherhood and the importance of a father in a child's life. I highly recommend it, yes there are a few cheesy moments but the script is great, the acting is good, the cinematography is good and the message is awesome!
You know we are all called to be courageous not just men, not just fathers. I was thinking about courage on the drive home and what it means, and what it looks like. Courage is defined as the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. (www.dictionary.com) For me courage was today, asking our waiter if I could share my 30 second testimony...as homework for class. For some that may not sound like a big deal but to me actually opening my mouth and sharing or really asking if I could share was a huge step of faith for me. I knew I had to so I could have my assignment done for class but more than that I knew I had to in order to break off fear of sharing the gospel. Its such a funny thing, I talk to people all day everyday, interrupting their day to see if I can help them. And in those moments, I have no fear. The words simply come out of my mouth, I don't even have to think about them. I think back to my first day though...and that was the case. I was scared out of my mind to ask partly because I knew I wouldn't actually be able to answer the question, but more so because it was such a foreign concept for me. Now 3 and half years later, I walk into work and the moment I am clocked in till I clock out I am talking and answering questions.
Right now, sharing the gospel, sharing God's truth to people is like my first day at work. I am so scared to just open my mouth and start talking. Its funny because in Texas everyone talks to everyone no matter where you are or what you are doing. Its such a natural thing to do yet, I my mouth losses all functionality when I go to share Jesus with someone. So today, when I asked our waiter I felt a piece of that fear get chipped away and I have faith and hope that one day, sharing how God has changed my life will become second nature and I won't even have to think about what I am doing but I will just start doing it.
I got a picture of community as I was just writing. Today at lunch, I wasn't alone, I had my husband sitting next to me and two amazing friends across from me. They I know where praying for and cheering my on on the inside. You know, its really hard to have courage when you are alone. Knowing that I had back up pushed me forward, pushed me share, pushed me to be courageous. "For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7
You know we are all called to be courageous not just men, not just fathers. I was thinking about courage on the drive home and what it means, and what it looks like. Courage is defined as the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. (www.dictionary.com) For me courage was today, asking our waiter if I could share my 30 second testimony...as homework for class. For some that may not sound like a big deal but to me actually opening my mouth and sharing or really asking if I could share was a huge step of faith for me. I knew I had to so I could have my assignment done for class but more than that I knew I had to in order to break off fear of sharing the gospel. Its such a funny thing, I talk to people all day everyday, interrupting their day to see if I can help them. And in those moments, I have no fear. The words simply come out of my mouth, I don't even have to think about them. I think back to my first day though...and that was the case. I was scared out of my mind to ask partly because I knew I wouldn't actually be able to answer the question, but more so because it was such a foreign concept for me. Now 3 and half years later, I walk into work and the moment I am clocked in till I clock out I am talking and answering questions.
Right now, sharing the gospel, sharing God's truth to people is like my first day at work. I am so scared to just open my mouth and start talking. Its funny because in Texas everyone talks to everyone no matter where you are or what you are doing. Its such a natural thing to do yet, I my mouth losses all functionality when I go to share Jesus with someone. So today, when I asked our waiter I felt a piece of that fear get chipped away and I have faith and hope that one day, sharing how God has changed my life will become second nature and I won't even have to think about what I am doing but I will just start doing it.
I got a picture of community as I was just writing. Today at lunch, I wasn't alone, I had my husband sitting next to me and two amazing friends across from me. They I know where praying for and cheering my on on the inside. You know, its really hard to have courage when you are alone. Knowing that I had back up pushed me forward, pushed me share, pushed me to be courageous. "For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7
Saturday, October 1, 2011
just thoughts...
Even though it is late, and I have to get up ridiculously early I still had the desire to just hear my fingers moving on the keys of my keyboard. Have you ever had that desire? Every time I watch "You Got Mail" I come away with this immense desire to type and create something. Tonight, I was talking to the lady who is a writer/editor. Every time I meet someone who writes my husband always says, "Oh, Amy is a writer too." And then I get the question, "Oh...what do you write?" I stare like a deer in headlights having no idea how to respond to that question. So I stammer and fidget and blurt out something along the lines of, "Umm...you know, I'm not a "writer" actually, I have a style like you know, ummm Donald Miller...umm I write blogs..." And whoever it is stares nods their heads politely and say, "Oh, that's cool..." Then awkward silence...staring around and me longing to be anywhere then in that moment.
What makes someone a "writer"? Is it a paycheck, people knowing who you are and reading your stuff, is it being published? Sure, its all of those things but is it more than that?
Did you know that if you are rude to worker at a store the likely hood that moments after your rudeness they are conversing with at least one of his or her fellow co-workers about you is about oh 100%? Yes you are probably walking away in frustration but they are laughing about the ridiculousness of your frustration :) Laughing is the only way to make it through each day working in retail. Its highly frustrating and stressful, but when you have great co-workers that you can talk to it makes the day so much better. You know what I love, is when someone gets so excited over me helping her find what she was looking for...I have actually had someone hug me because I found her the shorts she needed. I also love when people apologize when they know they are being overly obnoxious or tell me I am doing a great job. I am a firm believer that everyone should have to work in a restaurant and in retail at least once in their lives because until you do...you just don't understand that when its busy your food is going to take longer. You just don't understand that we seriously don't have control over what is in stock and whats not and if we don't have...well we are really sorry but we don't have and there is NOTHING we can do about except say, we are sorry. I know everyone has their own opinions on this subject but you know sometimes I wish employees had a survey they could fill out about the people that shop at the store and those they encountered. We could rave about the awesome mom who apologized for her child spilling her drink but helped clean it up. We could thank the kind old man who always jokes with you when you see him and his wife walking laps. Seriously I see this cute old couple at least once a week and when I ask if they need anything he more times than not says, "How about I do your work and you can walk for me." Or we could say to the person that comes in on Saturday night furious that we don't have something in stock that has been on sale all week, "Its Saturday...its been on sale since Sunday...its not our fault when you came into the store." You know, I'm not really a mean person and I don't really care to share all of the negative things that people do and say to me and my fellow workers. Because even though it could fill up ten thousand pages and we could laugh a little the honest truth is, some of those things would make you cry and cringe that a human being would be that way to another human being.
So this is my challenge to all of you (all two of you that actually read my blog :) ) the next time you are in a store or in a restaurant tell who ever waits on you or checks you out or helps you find something...tell them thank you, tell them that they are doing a great job. Honestly it will make their day and they will go back to their co-workers and say, "I just had the nicest customer...."
What makes someone a "writer"? Is it a paycheck, people knowing who you are and reading your stuff, is it being published? Sure, its all of those things but is it more than that?
Did you know that if you are rude to worker at a store the likely hood that moments after your rudeness they are conversing with at least one of his or her fellow co-workers about you is about oh 100%? Yes you are probably walking away in frustration but they are laughing about the ridiculousness of your frustration :) Laughing is the only way to make it through each day working in retail. Its highly frustrating and stressful, but when you have great co-workers that you can talk to it makes the day so much better. You know what I love, is when someone gets so excited over me helping her find what she was looking for...I have actually had someone hug me because I found her the shorts she needed. I also love when people apologize when they know they are being overly obnoxious or tell me I am doing a great job. I am a firm believer that everyone should have to work in a restaurant and in retail at least once in their lives because until you do...you just don't understand that when its busy your food is going to take longer. You just don't understand that we seriously don't have control over what is in stock and whats not and if we don't have...well we are really sorry but we don't have and there is NOTHING we can do about except say, we are sorry. I know everyone has their own opinions on this subject but you know sometimes I wish employees had a survey they could fill out about the people that shop at the store and those they encountered. We could rave about the awesome mom who apologized for her child spilling her drink but helped clean it up. We could thank the kind old man who always jokes with you when you see him and his wife walking laps. Seriously I see this cute old couple at least once a week and when I ask if they need anything he more times than not says, "How about I do your work and you can walk for me." Or we could say to the person that comes in on Saturday night furious that we don't have something in stock that has been on sale all week, "Its Saturday...its been on sale since Sunday...its not our fault when you came into the store." You know, I'm not really a mean person and I don't really care to share all of the negative things that people do and say to me and my fellow workers. Because even though it could fill up ten thousand pages and we could laugh a little the honest truth is, some of those things would make you cry and cringe that a human being would be that way to another human being.
So this is my challenge to all of you (all two of you that actually read my blog :) ) the next time you are in a store or in a restaurant tell who ever waits on you or checks you out or helps you find something...tell them thank you, tell them that they are doing a great job. Honestly it will make their day and they will go back to their co-workers and say, "I just had the nicest customer...."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
No Bake Cookies...and a little bit more
Tonight as I was making No Bake Cookies, I experienced very clear flash backs of my child hood--me standing over the stove stirring melted butter, sugar, milk and cocoa waiting in anticipation for the mixture to boil. I remember standing in the kitchen-that is now the laundry room- stirring and I remember being worried because even though I knew what to do, my mom was not standing behind me watching, giving advice. I remember calling for her...knowing that I could do it but wanting her there just the same. How do I remember this? And how is it that this particular day is so etched into my memory?
Tonight I had all the confidence in the world, I knew exactly what to do and I didn't worry about getting the vanilla and oats in quick enough...I knew it would all turn out great. But you know what? Tonight as I sat down eating the success of my labor, I would have given anything--even my confidence to be 11 years old again calling for my mom to help me finish the cookies...or just stand by me reassuring me that they would turn out great.
Its a funny thing getting older and I know its been said so many times in various ways but...Why is it that as a child and a teenager all we think and dream about is what the future holds and we can't wait to get there, and then when we finally arrive all we can think and dream about is the ease of childhood. Those carefree summer days of waiting around all day for 3 o'clock for "Saved by the Bell" to come on, the anticipation of Friday nights to come just because it meant that TGIF would be on and two hours of "Boy Meets World" "Family Matter" "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Step by Step" would fill the night. The anticipation of starting school, of going clothes shopping and longingly looking at my new clothes hanging in my closet and living in anticipation for the day that I would get to where my new clothes. The days of playing outside, running through the sprinklers, of roller blading, of reading, of doing homework, of cleaning the kitchen with my brother...those days are days I wouldn't mind living over again.
I am not saying that I don't love my life or that I am stuck in the past but as technology is filling every aspect of our lives even taking the place of real books, I miss the days before cell phones, before Netflix, before internet, before the Wi, Xbox and all those other consoles, before a gallon of gas was more than a meal at Wendy's, before digital cameras and before Ipods Ipads and all other I-related technology. I am jealous for the children growing up today because most of them will never know what it means to use their imagination, to build a fort in their granddad's truck and pretend that they are international spies. I am jealous for them because they don't have good television that presents good family morals. I am jealous for them because they will never know what its like to anticipate coming home and walking to the answering machine and seeing there are messages and hoping one of them was a friend calling to say hello.
I have no idea what brought on all of this except maybe the No Bake Cookies. And maybe because Michael and I have been looking at ways to cut expenses. You know there was a time when I didn't have a cell phone, Netflix or Internet yet now that we have them I think I can't live without it. Even though having a cell phone is still a semi-new thing for me (okay I guess 5 years isn't so new but still...) I believe that without it I would never be able to get a hold of anyone and vice-versa. But when I think more about it...what freedom would come to Michael and I without it! And we would get to welcome back the wonderful anticipation of coming home to see if anyone called :) And then there's Netflix...which lets be honest is a wonderful thing but it has only been in my life for a few months and since it has been there I have watched more TV in the past months than I have in about two years. It has become Michael and I's go to activity. We have prided ourselves in the fact that we don't have cable but between Hulu and Netflix we probably watch just as much television as the next American family. Now I am not trying say that watching TV is wrong...I really enjoy it but who needs 4 hours or more everyday, of every week? How am I advancing the Kingdom of God, advancing my family and advancing my mind?
So, I really just started out wanted to talk about how I missed my mom and my dad and my parents house and being kid. I want to live simply and enjoy the simpleness of No Bake Cookies. Really the rest all comes from the place that I wish I lived more like I did when I was a kid...enjoying life each day because well, its another day filled with adventures, anticipation, good friends and good cookies.
Tonight I had all the confidence in the world, I knew exactly what to do and I didn't worry about getting the vanilla and oats in quick enough...I knew it would all turn out great. But you know what? Tonight as I sat down eating the success of my labor, I would have given anything--even my confidence to be 11 years old again calling for my mom to help me finish the cookies...or just stand by me reassuring me that they would turn out great.
Its a funny thing getting older and I know its been said so many times in various ways but...Why is it that as a child and a teenager all we think and dream about is what the future holds and we can't wait to get there, and then when we finally arrive all we can think and dream about is the ease of childhood. Those carefree summer days of waiting around all day for 3 o'clock for "Saved by the Bell" to come on, the anticipation of Friday nights to come just because it meant that TGIF would be on and two hours of "Boy Meets World" "Family Matter" "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Step by Step" would fill the night. The anticipation of starting school, of going clothes shopping and longingly looking at my new clothes hanging in my closet and living in anticipation for the day that I would get to where my new clothes. The days of playing outside, running through the sprinklers, of roller blading, of reading, of doing homework, of cleaning the kitchen with my brother...those days are days I wouldn't mind living over again.
I am not saying that I don't love my life or that I am stuck in the past but as technology is filling every aspect of our lives even taking the place of real books, I miss the days before cell phones, before Netflix, before internet, before the Wi, Xbox and all those other consoles, before a gallon of gas was more than a meal at Wendy's, before digital cameras and before Ipods Ipads and all other I-related technology. I am jealous for the children growing up today because most of them will never know what it means to use their imagination, to build a fort in their granddad's truck and pretend that they are international spies. I am jealous for them because they don't have good television that presents good family morals. I am jealous for them because they will never know what its like to anticipate coming home and walking to the answering machine and seeing there are messages and hoping one of them was a friend calling to say hello.
I have no idea what brought on all of this except maybe the No Bake Cookies. And maybe because Michael and I have been looking at ways to cut expenses. You know there was a time when I didn't have a cell phone, Netflix or Internet yet now that we have them I think I can't live without it. Even though having a cell phone is still a semi-new thing for me (okay I guess 5 years isn't so new but still...) I believe that without it I would never be able to get a hold of anyone and vice-versa. But when I think more about it...what freedom would come to Michael and I without it! And we would get to welcome back the wonderful anticipation of coming home to see if anyone called :) And then there's Netflix...which lets be honest is a wonderful thing but it has only been in my life for a few months and since it has been there I have watched more TV in the past months than I have in about two years. It has become Michael and I's go to activity. We have prided ourselves in the fact that we don't have cable but between Hulu and Netflix we probably watch just as much television as the next American family. Now I am not trying say that watching TV is wrong...I really enjoy it but who needs 4 hours or more everyday, of every week? How am I advancing the Kingdom of God, advancing my family and advancing my mind?
So, I really just started out wanted to talk about how I missed my mom and my dad and my parents house and being kid. I want to live simply and enjoy the simpleness of No Bake Cookies. Really the rest all comes from the place that I wish I lived more like I did when I was a kid...enjoying life each day because well, its another day filled with adventures, anticipation, good friends and good cookies.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
prayer
Hello everyone! Some of you may know that on June 22nd Michael, myself and few other people are heading to Europe for a two week mission trip. Michael and I have been in prayer for the French people for over a year now and we are so excited for the chance go and share Christ love with them. We are in the process of watching Jesus provide for our needs, not only in our individual lives but also for our trip. Recently, our team watched the Lord provide thousands of dollars in the matter of days for our team to purchase our plane tickets. It was an amazing time to see how The Lord called us to go and He provided a way for us to get there. However the journey is not yet over. We praise God for providing half of what we need for our trip...we are now praying for the other half to come in. As a whole team of 16 we need about $22,000 and for Michael and myself we need about $1000. I am not just emailing for a plea to give, yes we need others to stand beside us and give, but also I wanted to share a little about what is going on in our lives.
Michael and I had been praying for months about how much we wanted to give towards our trip. One day Michael came to me and told me the amount and in an instant I started worrying. I was afraid of giving that much. I started listing in my head all the things extra (besides our normal monthly costs) that we needed to pay for in the next few months, and I became fearful of how we would pay for those things. I then heard this amazing word about faith. When you are holding on to whatever it is in your life that you are afraid of letting go of, money, relationships, your job whatever it is...when you hold on so tightly to that something because you are afraid of letting go what happens is your hands are clenched tightly to that something. Your hands are closed...and when your hands are closed they are unable to receive the blessings the Lord has in store for you. But when you let go in faith the Lord is there and are know willing and able to receive. So I share this with you to encourage you. Maybe it is to give to our trip or to someone esle's trip or maybe its to let go of something else. All I know is that when I finally let go of our finances and said, "Okay God, I know you have called us to go, and called us to give...so here it is." I have experienced freedom that I hadn't before. Are Michael and I rolling in millions...NO. But what we are rolling in, is the provisions and faith of God, and to be honest...that's a whole lot better! :)
I do ask you to take the next few minutes right now, wait on God and ask Him if He is calling you to partner with us and give to our trip. Or if He is calling you to partner with us and pray as we go. Will you step out in faith and watch the Lord provide?
Thank you so much for you time and for your friendship. May God bless you in all that you are doing!
In Christ,
Amy
If any one would feels lead to give or pray let me know and I will give you the information
Michael and I had been praying for months about how much we wanted to give towards our trip. One day Michael came to me and told me the amount and in an instant I started worrying. I was afraid of giving that much. I started listing in my head all the things extra (besides our normal monthly costs) that we needed to pay for in the next few months, and I became fearful of how we would pay for those things. I then heard this amazing word about faith. When you are holding on to whatever it is in your life that you are afraid of letting go of, money, relationships, your job whatever it is...when you hold on so tightly to that something because you are afraid of letting go what happens is your hands are clenched tightly to that something. Your hands are closed...and when your hands are closed they are unable to receive the blessings the Lord has in store for you. But when you let go in faith the Lord is there and are know willing and able to receive. So I share this with you to encourage you. Maybe it is to give to our trip or to someone esle's trip or maybe its to let go of something else. All I know is that when I finally let go of our finances and said, "Okay God, I know you have called us to go, and called us to give...so here it is." I have experienced freedom that I hadn't before. Are Michael and I rolling in millions...NO. But what we are rolling in, is the provisions and faith of God, and to be honest...that's a whole lot better! :)
I do ask you to take the next few minutes right now, wait on God and ask Him if He is calling you to partner with us and give to our trip. Or if He is calling you to partner with us and pray as we go. Will you step out in faith and watch the Lord provide?
Thank you so much for you time and for your friendship. May God bless you in all that you are doing!
In Christ,
Amy
If any one would feels lead to give or pray let me know and I will give you the information
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
another segment...
The last weekend in June was the straw that broke the camels back. Shawn came to visit…a whole weekend with the man I loved. I knew that this was the weekend that would knock me out of the funk that I had fallen into. That being in his arms would wash away all of the pain, looking into his eyes I would see his love and it would fill my soul. Even though it has been, 2 and half years the events of that weekend are still moments that make me cringe. Until those two days I never thought another time could turn my world even more on its end as did graduation weekend. I remember sitting on the floor of Bobbi Jo’s house, talking to her about her new place, how she was going to decorate it when my phone rang. When I looked at the screen and saw that it was Shawn my heart leapt and hearing his voice telling me that he was mere blocks away sent it soaring. I literally ran out of Bobbi Jo’s house and I couldn’t get home fast enough—I would be in the arms of the man I loved in moments! I remember pulling up to my apartment and seeing him standing there waiting for me and how I just melted. All of my worries, all of the pain I had felt just washed away, they didn’t matter anymore—Shawn was here.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
The weekend didn’t turn out the way I envisioned. It was not a wonderful time filled with laughter and simple kisses, of talking and cuddling. Instead it was filled with things I never wanted do--that I wanted to forget. Some how I found my self emptying what was left of me on my bedroom floor. The next day the light only exposed the cuts in my heart I only wanted to go away. That day Shawn said he was going back that night, even though we planned on him staying until Sunday. He told me he needed a day to recover. I was crushed and feelings of insecurity filled my heart. Why did he not want to spend time with me? We went to see a movie--which was the last thing I wanted to do. All I wanted was to be in Shawn’s arms and here him say he loved me. During the movie Shawn wouldn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. I felt so abandoned and lost. That evening sitting at “Skillets” with a couple of our friends, the time for Shawn’s departure drew ever near. I desperately wanted to spend time alone with him, to feel special, to feel loved once more. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, “When will we got some Shawn and Amy time?” He merely looked at me with no love in his eyes said, “ I figured you were going to ask that.” This coming from the man who used to crave time with me, who would demand time alone with me.
I am not writing this part of my story for everyone to hate Shawn and to feel sorry for me and to think of me as some kind of victim. The truth of the matter is we were both so lost--we were both being utterly selfish. We had lost the art of communication. I held back all of my hurts, all of my feelings--testing Shawn to see if he cared enough. Shawn didn’t do well, or feel respected really by being put through a test. So the result is two people just shutting down when ones feelings weren’t sought after and one is not being respected.
Somehow I talked Shawn into staying and I find myself at 2 a.m. driving around searching for a room. Just hours ago the two of us had stood in the isle of Wal-Mart staring at what we both knew was what was keeping us “apart”. Neither one of us had I guess you could say the courage to buy anything. So we looked at one another--and I felt that spark again. Shawn leaned down and kissed me and said, “Lets go.” He put his arm around me and guided me out. But this fire we had started was out of control. The brief moment of purity, of innocence was lost. It didn’t matter anymore, all that mattered was feeding the flame. So here we are driving around this town late at night looking and seeking for a way to satisfy the flame. As we are driving I hear this small, quiet voice crying out, “Amy! What are you doing, what are you doing? This is not you, oh AMY what are you doing?” I look over at Shawn who is focused on the road, and all I can say is, “Jesus, I just want one night with him, please just one full night.” The next moment I was filled with silence like I had never been filled with before. The next hour just happens but nothing like I had ever pictured--just happens. Then the next thing I know is I am laying next to a man who won’t even touch me. I realize I am completely alone. The next morning there is this awful silence as Shawn drives me home. He pulls up to my apartment and without even putting the truck in park, he simply turns to me and says, “See you later.”
The only details I truly remember for the month that followed was me sitting on my balcony calling Shawn, hoping he would pick up. Waiting all day for 9 p.m. when I knew he would be getting off, remember the butterflies that would come when the time got closer and how they would turn to heavy rocks when he didn’t call and he wouldn’t answer. I would leave him a message every night and after hanging up I would cry. I would come in most nights to Joy and Matt sitting in the living room and it was comforting to know that they finally knew I was sad. Matt said many times, “You deserve better.”
I knew deep down that it was ending when I got a job offer several hundred miles away and all Shawn said was, “Do what God is telling you…” When he didn’t fight for me and I didn’t fight for him to fight for me, I knew I had to move, I couldn’t wait around. My last night in town as wonderful friends were helping me pack up Shawn called me--the first time he had called me since that awful weekend. I sat in my empty room in silence as Shawn just danced around words and we hung up without him saying anything, not even I love you.
Moving southeast Texas was one of the craziest things that I have ever done. In the span of one week I went from seeking a job in my college town, to packing up my life and moving to a place where I had never been, to live in a town I had never heard of, and to work in a place I never thought possible. I also never could have imagined what would unfold in the next two years. I remember clearly the first encounter with Levi. Frank was showing me around campus and as we walked back in to the building Levi emerges from the back room. He talks to Frank about a sickness he may have which causes him to be tired and I am just standing there thinking, “This boy sure does talk a lot…and I really miss being a part of people’s lives…I wish I knew him…I wish I knew someone…” That first weekend in a new place was one of the hardest. Not only had Shawn broken up with me but I now had that awful task of unpacking everything with no way of avoiding memories of Shawn.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
continuing the story
this next installment is fairly personal...you may think i am stupid for sharing and you may get uncomfortable, but i have learned that speaking light into darkness truly brings freedom. so please read...but read with care.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
The weekend I graduated college is a weekend that will forever be ingrained not only in my memory but also cut into my heart. There are wonderful moments in those few days. Moments of sitting on my couch with Shawn in anticipation of my parents showing up, of Shawn meeting them for the first time, moments of Shawn also meeting my grandparents and brother. There are moments of playing games, of laughing, of Grandma telling a really embarrassing story…a story that will forever deem the title of most awkward family moment EVER! Moments of seeing an old boyfriend for the first time and having Shawn take my hand and lead me away, moments of taking pictures. Moments of last goodbyes, moments of finally finishing, moments of seeing the look on Shawn’s face when I came out of the dressing room in my dress. It was a wonderful few days but one event trumps all else, and causes that weekend to be like a black hole in my memory.
I will forever remember the three days following graduation with great detail, not because it is a time that brings a smile to my face but it is a time that caused a wound whose scar will always be present. I take Shawn home the night after graduation and I go in with him to say goodnight. In his room, which smelled of cat, with the lights on, on the bottom bunk, roommates home…my world, as I knew it changed forever. I lay there, covered in a blanket and the realization of what just happened floods my brain, and with it, my heart literally breaks. I begin to wail—my whole body is weeping. Seriously, from my head to my toes, from fingertip to finger tip, my body is in agony over the pain that I never thought possible. What did I just do, what did WE just do?
The days and weeks that followed were filled with worries that I never thought I would have to face, filled with this shame I could not share, and filled with this ache that sat heavy in my stomach where those wonderful butterflies once flew. As the days crept on I grew more and more distant, shutting myself off from my wonderful family. I would participate in our game nights or watching a movie together but my soul was not in it. I played the part of “Amy” happy go lucky girl who just missed her boyfriend. No one knew what was truly going on inside. How there was a storm raging inside, one that longed to be let lose but one that I would keep contained no matter how much it hurt. My birthday was one of the worst I have ever experienced. Yes my family was surrounding me, yes I was laughing, yes friends and family had been calling me all day to wish me Happy Birthday but the laughter that was made never did reach my eyes. Shawn did call on the 12th but not because it was my birthday. He never did say anything, never did anything…he acted as if it didn’t matter. This from the guy who once told me the most romantic things he had done for his previous girlfriend…and all I get are tears. Everyday I would write to Shawn, pouring my heart out to him, sharing with him the things that I could never say to him while we talked on the phone. I spent hours every night going over every word, making sure they were perfect, imagining the smile they would bring to his face, longing to be near him once again.
I wish I could recall more details from the beginning of the summer, to share some conversations that were had, to share feelings that were had but all I can remember is feeling empty, of coming to a point where the pain was more than I could bear so I shut everything out. I use to be this person who laughed at life, who found joy in the everyday events, whose friends would say that my laugh was contagious. I went from that to someone who could not find anything worth laughing about, who shut down and shut out life. The only thing is that no one around me noticed, I became so good at faking every emotion. One of my favorite songs quotes, “I was the best imitations of myself.” (need to site info) I had become an imitation and it became easier to live that imitation than be real. Earlier that year I wrote in my jornal, “ Please help me to have patience to be loving, to be who people think I am . I want to live up to how people perceive me. (feb 22nd, 2006), and as the summer went on, I longed for the picture that people saw when the looked at me to be true…but I knew that I was no longer her and the life I continued to live was a lie. I believed that I was irredeemable and that I would forever have a the words “unclean” etched on my soul.
Shawn was not the first guy that broke my heart, was not the first one I used to find my identity, find my worth. For the good part of my life I sought out approval and acceptance from the men in my life. I never felt whole or worthwhile if I did not have a boyfriend or at least someone vying for my attention. It didn’t matter if I knew deep down that he was not good for me, if he paid me any sort of attention I was hooked. I never saw myself as beautiful or someone who deserved to be sought after. I thought I had better take what I can get when it comes my way because who else would want to love me? I did date some decent guys in my time but if I was completely honest I always felt that something was missing. There was either not enough communication, or too much; God was not at the center, I didn’t feel special, he didn’t pick up on my hurt feelings, there was no laughter, he didn’t know me…and the list goes on. There are two that I never truly dated but somehow I was so caught up that I couldn’t get my self out of the situation. So many times, I would sit and wonder how the heck I got myself into this situation. But I still clung to David and Jesse because I longed to have someone love me and they both showed interest. I truly liked Jesse and as much as my friends said he was terrible for me I wouldn’t listen. Unfortunately, Jesse led me on for so long and never truly wanted anything serious. He just knew the right words to say in the moment. David was someone that truly cared for me but who I never could. We would sit together for hours while he played the piano and during those times, I felt special. I wanted so desperately to be wanted that I sought it out in whatever way I could find it. Whether it was in the arms of a guy who was a really good kisser or someone who could take my breath away from his piano playing but in the end I only found myself just a little more empty than the time before.
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