30x30 Challenge

Sunday at church our pastor gave us a challenge--for the next 30 days spend 30 minutes a day with Jesus.  Through these 30 days we will learn discipline and among that we will find delight.  I am taking this challenge and I am ready to see the Lord work in wonderful and amazing ways.  I have also taken this challenge to a new level.  I dream to be a writer, that's all I have ever truly wanted to be but in order to call myself a writer I must be devoted to writing, everyday.  So, for the next 30 days I am also going to challenge myself to write 30 minutes everyday.   WELCOME TO DAY ONE!

For the next 28 minutes I am going to write...whatever is on my mind.  The outcome--who knows.  The quality--who knows.  I have learned that until I am disciplined I should focus on just getting words on the page.  That with words and sentences and paragraphs you can edit, and reform and reword.  But if the page is blank there's nothing.  Whats the point of saying, I am a really great writer if you have nothing to show for it?

Its hard to write without a vision, without a thought to go on, why is that?  I guess I have never been that good at the free for writing.  Until I have vision for what I should write I am stuck either writing about how I don't know what I should write or running on and on about well...nothing.  I know it should not be about what will be profound and what others will want to read but man...any writer will honestly say that they desire to have their words read and if that never happens then are they any good? 

I struggle with comparison which I know are lies from the enemy that entrap us and create skewed  images of reality.  This past weekend at the create conference, during the opening worship session we were all given a blank sheet of paper and a crayon.  The vision behind the crayon was as children we draw uninhibited by the world.  We don't care if no one understands or sees what we see, we draw out of delight.  The instructions were to draw a line down the middle and on the top portion draw our weaknesses, the way we view ourselves.  My picture came out with a drawing of a small girl on one side who has a paper with an F, a book that is blank and words around her are nothing, nobody.  Beside the small girl is a tall beautiful girl who has an A paper, a best seller and has a crown on her head.  She is everything the small girl is not.  For most of my life and even some days now I see myself as the small girl.  That I am nothing, I am no body, and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to amount to even a fraction of what the other girl can.  So the thought, "Why even bother?"  floats around in my head and pretty soon that thought becomes "truth" and I soon believe that I should not even bother.

On the bottom part of the paper we were to draw the truth of God in our lives.  Here I drew God breaking threw the chain of darkness and brokenness and on the other side, I am in His arms, there is light and growth and love.  After drawing the truth of God we folded the paper in half, lifted our hands up and placed the paper so when we looked through our hands we saw the truth of God and the truth of God held our weaknesses. What I noticed was when I look at the truth of God I counldn't evenn see the lies that I believed.  His Truth covers all lies! 


I prayed that the Lord would help me to not let others talents, gifts and dreams keep me from following my own dreams and using my own gifts.  Throughout the rest of the day those words were said in several different ways.  Jesus wanted me to hear His truth, and He wanted me to really get it. 

I desire to write a book, to share my story and I hope that I will hold on to His truth, that no matter how many people around me desire to do the same thing, it does not negate what The Lord has called me to do.  Several years ago I said that the reason why I wanted to write was to share my story with other women and if one woman's life was touched it was worth it.  That is still my desire...To help transform lives of the women around me and if even one woman's life is changed because of the words that Lord has spoken through me then well...I have accomplished what I set out to do in the first place. 

Create....

Today I learned something so profound it blew me away..."If you want to be a writer you have to write something...."  I mean WOW!  Why is it so hard for me to admit that I am a writer.  I'm not published, there is only a hand full of people besides my professors that actually read what I write...but none of that makes me a writer.  The mere fact that I think thoughts and put them into sentences makes me a writer.  And today I got to live a dream of mine and I haven't felt that alive in a long time.  Today at the "Create" conference in my breakout session we were asked to write something over our lunch break.  Nothing perfect, nothing edited...but a piece that was raw.  As I tried to think of what to write I did what any "good" writer does...I just started  putting words on the page until I felt inspired.  As I am struggling to put words together and running out of time I hear the Lord speak, "Write your story...that's what is real, that is what needs to be heard..."  I went into the breakout session excited to share my piece.  After our small group time of sharing our leader asked if there was any brave souls in the room that would like to share with the group.  I found my heart racing and that feeling I get only when I know I need to take the risk...the question was, was I willing to leap?  My hand went in the air and the next moment I found myself once again where I feel the most alive...sharing my story with the people around me. 

This piece is inspired from a vision the Lord gave me a few years ago on the day I call "My Freedom Day"

I was once this broken girl who was locked in this dark damp room.  My arms were in shackles chained to the wall.  The only light was a slit at the top of the ceiling that wasn't a comfort but a mocking voice saying you will never feel the warmth of my rays or see the brilliance of my color because you are nothing.  My hair was unkempt and my clothes were merely rags.  And my feet, no there were not shoes on my feet because I would never go places.  I was shut up and locked away because I was unlovable!  True, men would come-proclaiming their love and my heart would swell, I saw hope, but in moments I found myself back locked away with nothing--no even less than that...emptiness.  Yes emptiness.  True, women would come in and give vision of wonderful friendship but in the same moment I started to feel my chains loosen, I found another link being added and more "truth" of how I wasn't even worthy of their conversation.  Unintelligence crowded around me.  There was nothing and no one. 

Until one night I found myself laying in my prison when I heard a loud crash and a blazing light flooded my cell.  There standing in what was once my prison door, stood my Saviour.  He didn't talk, He didn't bring judgement--No what I saw were tears in His eyes.  Was He actually crying for me?  As those tears flowed down His face, He came near me and in a moment I felt my chains fall away.  Not just the idea of them falling away, no literally the burden, the heaviness that these binds had on me was broken away.  And then He did something I never thought anyone would ever do--He reached towards me and threw me into His arms, and not only did He take me out--He RAN out.  He knew that by walking He would give me the choice to stay.  No He Ran full out!  The next moment I was in warm sun raze, smelling the most wonderful smells.  And I look down at my self and see where I was once in rags, I was now in beautiful clothing.  On my feet were sandals and I knew I was being restored.  I tried to look back--but as I turned my head He whispered, " No my bride, it is  no more, nothing, don't even bother looking back."

Words that I wrote...

Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned does it?  I know that I never planned on living in Waco, or Texas for that matter.  I never planned on coming close to my third year at Target.  I never planned on being 26 and still wondering what I am doing with my life.  But what was it that I did plan on?

  Comparison is truly the worst evil there is, at least in my own life.  This evil has kept me from auditioning for plays , from sharing my dreams and ambitions with friends, from leading worship, from writing, from sharing my story.  A good friend of mine wrote recently that you only accomplish if you do.  I know that is why I am still sitting here with an ache inside my heart to share my story, to speak in front of a crowd because I stopped doing.  Shouldn't the knowledge that a friend and myself share the same dream be an encouragement, that we could spur one another on?  Instead its like a dead weight in the pit of my stomach and I hear the voice, "Your dream to be a writer, to be a public speaker is worthless because you can't put words together like that...and you don't want to be thought of as a copy-cat."  I know these are lies, I know these are lies because the dream to be writer has always been in me.  But why do I always feel the same way?  Why do I always wonder..."Am I even good enough?"

I am my own dream killer.  Somewhere down the road I started believing that to dream for the far fetched things of this world are just that...far fetched.  I didn't want to be the girl with her head stuck in the clouds, always fantasizing about what she could become.  I soon believed this "fact" about myself...I was merely average.  I was smart but I had friends who were smarter and didn't even have to try.  I was talented but my talent was overshadowed by ones with more talent.  Things that I had wanted, things that I worked for it always seemed other people got to live them out.

I know the truth about myself, I know that I am a daughter of the Risen King.  I know that I am His beloved, 'fearfully and wonderfully made', I know that He has gifted me and I know that I am used by Him for His purpose.  Jesus has put in me, not an 'average' testimony but a mighty powerful one.  I know the truth.  I know that I am blessed.  I have an amazing husband who I can't believe I get to wake up next to every morning.  I know that I am surrounded by many single women who long to be married, to be cherished by a man the way I am by my husband.  I know that I am blessed to have been born into the family I was born into, to have a mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins that I do.  I am a mighty blessed woman.  I know all of this.  I know that my time at Target is where God is using me for this time.  I know that I am suppose to be the size I am with the hair that I have.  I know that I am not just average.  But even in the mist of all of that...I still long.

I want my story to matter to someone.  I want my words to be read by someone and to have them change her life.  I want to feel once again the Holy Spirit truly pulsating through me as I stand in front of a microphone, looking out onto a crowd and listen as a hush falls over the room as words pour from my mouth.  To see tears gleam in eyes, to know that what I have done and the forgiveness that followed helped heal wounds.

I long to not feel inadequate when I have to use a different word because I can't figure out how to spell the word I truly want to use and I can't even get close enough to the spelling for spell check to figure it out for me.  I long to know the words to every classic piece of literature.  I long to string together sentences that are worth publishing and not even worth publishing but worth reading.  I desire to understand grammar and to know how to use it correctly.  How about this for a deal...you tell me how to not use the passive voice (and why its so wrong) and I'll tell you how to make my spaghetti sauce...

As I sit eating a gooey sugar cookie and try to come up with a great metaphor for the healing power these words have had (there's that blessed passive voice....) on my soul I think about the grand scheme of things.  I am reminded of this puzzle my mom once put together.  Once put together it was a picture of Winnie the Pooh but if you look closely each piece is a scene from the stories.  Even though my mom had a hard time putting the puzzle together because there was no, these are clearly the "water pieces" and here are the "land pieces" but I remember her telling me that it wasn't just about getting the puzzle finished.  For her each piece told her a story.  Now how cliche am I being...and in writing I know I am not a huge fan of reading cliche after cliche but bear with me.  If I think about my life, about my dreams, about the things that I have done and blessings I have as fun little pieces that tell a story and not just another nail in the board....maybe the wait to see the finished "Winnie the Pooh" won't be so hard.  Or maybe this last paragraph is just a bunch of rambling and my way of trying to finish with some profound thought when in reality I really just want to eat my cookie and watch "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives"

Writing tonight has reminded me of how it is my friend...my healing friend who comes and brings a soothing to my aching muscles and healing to my broken dreams.

(there you go...my beautiful metaphor.....now my cookie!)

pumpkin spice latte kind of night

This evening as Michael and I strolled along our neighborhood, me with my first of the season pumpkin spice latte in hand, a wonderful memory came to mind as we passed a house with the smell of burning wood coming from their back yard....

A few years ago my Wednesday's once included setting out for Beaumont for the King's house.  I remember pulling up to the house, walking up to the front door and without knocking pushing the front door open.  During the cooler parts of the year we would walk through the kitchen, through the other meeting place and through the door into the back yard.  Here a fire pit would be blazing away, the smell of burning wood and smoke filled the air...and that warm and cozy feeling only the fall can bring would wrap around us.  Here I was surrounded by some of the greatest people I have ever known.  Here I was surrounded by family.  This community was one of the best I have ever been a part of.  And tonight as I walked hand-in-hand with my wonderful husband, hundreds and thousands of miles away from these dear people I left the city of Waco, and revisited my old friends. 

Community...you are missed, you are loved and you will always have a place in my heart and memory.  You are one of the GREAT! 

New Beginnings

About two months ago I found myself once again pleading to the Lord, "Jesus, can I please, please leave Target?!"  Over the past two and half years I have gone up and down with Target.  Seeing the greatness, seeing the Lord work to feeling like I was in a dark whole while at work, surrounded by ugliness, bitterness and evil.  And during these two and half years I have gone from fervent prayer for Target, for my fellow team members, for 1531(our store number).  Praying hard for strength to preach the gospel, for change, for light to fill this dark place.  Jesus has been so faithful...I have watched light spring up in the unlikely of places, hearing talk of Lord during the day and feeling His peace fall upon us all...even if some didn't know what was happening.  In periods of low times I fervently pray to leave, to find a new job.  During these times Jesus has always given me new vision, given me someone new to reach out to, to pray for and with that given me renewed strength to press on and to continue His work. 

At the beginning of August I found myself in one of the lowest times of my career at Target.  Management was going down, work was piling up around me, no helping hand was being reached out, unbelievable expectations were being made, gossip and hard feelings were running rampant and I found myself once again pleading for the Lord to let me leave.  This time I received an unexpected answer, "Yes..."  I spent the next few days processing this answer, wondering if I truly heard the Lord right.  That week during my time with Amanda, my wonderful discipleer, I told her about what the Lord had said.  She responded with a laugh that only Amanda can do, and I knew she was about to tell me about something she had heard from the Lord.  She recalled to me a conversation that her and Ed had recently about me.  They had both said they felt that the Lord had more for me than Target.  These words were the confirmation that I needed to take the next step on this crazy new journey. 

(stay tuned to the next steps )

Significance in a world of Insignificance....

All I truly want out of life is to feel like I have made a difference.  That my actions or my words had some kind of significant impact on someone...no matter how big or small.  As I walk into the world of materialism everyday for work I wonder, "Really what is my life accomplishing?  What good am I even doing?  I wonder, "Jesus what is the plan, what is the meaning?"

On Sunday morning standing, with hands held high with beautiful music being sung all around me, I heard His voice say, "Be thankful, be faithful...."  Several weeks ago I felt the Lord say that my time at Target was coming to an end...my sentence was up if you may.  For the first time in two years I felt at peace about searching for a new job, filled with hope, joy and excitement.  However as the days turned into weeks, I have started wondering if a new job is just too good to be true.  But then Jesus reminds me that HE is faithful, HIS truth is solid, HE always comes through, HIS promises stand firm.  Jesus has called me to not only live out my life when things are exciting and new but in the ordinary, everyday life.  He knows that I am at my breaking point, He knows that I struggle everyday to find joy in this place, He knows that I feel over worked and under-appreciated...and He knows the promises He has made and the words He has spoken over me-He has not forgotten.

"Be thankful..."  Be thankful for having a job, for the ability to work, for getting to help provide for my family.  Be thankful for strength to endure, for the lessons learned, for the friends being made.  Be thankful for the opportunity to show His love, be thankful for having a reason to smile in the mist of chaos.

"Be faithful..."  Be faithful in the place that I have you.  Be faithful to do the work for the day.  Be faithful even when I don't like the work I am doing.  Be faithful to know that Jesus' word is true and He has never failed me once.  Be faithful to use the life He has given me in the time He has given me.

Its hard feeling like I am not doing anything, to feel like I am wasting whatever it is I have but when I remember that its by no accident that I am working at Target and its no accident that I have been turned down by two jobs that I am completely qualified for and its no accident that I am where I am today....when I remember that all the worries start to fade away.  Yes, I want to use my education that worked very hard for and am still paying for; yes I want to feel like my days have purpose; yes I want to do truly great things....and I will and in someways I even if i may not notice, already am. 

life rolls on...

I go to work where people can be mean with no rhythm or reason.  I go to work where I am surrounded by mountains of shoe clearance that I am under pressure to get out NOW, but have no space to put.  I go to work where I do all that I can, working myself to the end.  I go to work and wonder is this all there is?  And life rolls on...

I head home where dinner is to be made, sometimes without food in the kitchen.  I head home where laundry, a dirty kitchen, and an unmade bed are waiting for my attention.  I head home where I am greeted by a loving husband with open arms and a wonderful kiss.  I head home where all the events of the day fade away and I know is I don't need more than this.  And life rolls on...

I sit down at my computer where I am filled with an overwhelming desire to share my thoughts.  I sit down at my computer where I wonder as I write about my meager life if anyone will ever read my words and be blown away by them.  I sit down at my computer where most of the time I feel completely and utterly under qualified to even be a writer and question every word and sentence.  And life rolls on...

I lay in bed thinking about life and friendships, saddened by the life wasted and the friendships lost but heartened by life accomplished and bonds of friendships made.  I lay in bed feeling completely blown away and blessed by my husband laying next to me.  I lay in bed wondering what tomorrow brings hoping for adventure and excitement.  And life rolls on...