Dear Voids....

This post is not a light hearted one and I really struggled with whether I should share it on the internet but it’s a part of my story.  My hope is that my pain will help others. 

June, 2013

One of my favorite moments in “You’ve Got Mail” is one after Kathleen finds out about “Fox Books Store”.  It’s just one of her sitting at her computer writing an email talking about her life and how she just wants to send out her feelings with no need of advice, just sends them out there into the void.  She calls Joe (aka NY152) Dear Void.  This scene has a melancholy feel to it that gets me every time.  I am always hit with a need and a desire to write to someone, to send out my feelings, my random thoughts out into the air, knowing that someone somewhere would read them.  And once they read them, they would not try to fix a problem, or give their opinion but would just listen to them.  Right now, I am filled with this longing to have a Void to send out my thoughts to.  I love my husband, who is always there to listen and hold me when I cry and to laugh with me.  But right now, I don’t really need someone to fix anything because there is nothing anyone can say nor do that will start our little baby’s heartbeat again.

A month and half ago I looked down at the pregnancy test and instead of seeing one line which for the past year is all I had seen, I saw two.  We were three weeks pregnant.  I was rather freaked out because although for the past year we had talked, planned and tried; the reality of a baby growing inside of me was scary.  I had finally come to accept our life, and enjoy the fact that we could just be us.  We were not tied down, not even with a dog.  We could decide on Friday afternoon to head out of town, and an hour later with a bag packed, a hotel booked, car gassed up, we could be on our way.  I realized that I loved our life and I was okay with not being a mom.  Not having to worry about someone else’s bodily functions, their eating needs, their activities.  And although I still wanted that for us, for the time being I was okay with what we had.  And then the second line showed up. 

If I am being completely honest, I wasn’t fully excited about the fact that I was pregnant.  I realized that in 9 short months our lives would completely change.  We would never be “us” again…at least not for 18 or so years.  I realized that my plan to go to Boston was out, that Christmas in Colorado with family was most likely out as well.  I walked into my newly redone office and thought to myself that I only had 7 or so months left to enjoy it- to have my own space in our little house.  All these thoughts ran through my head and for the next couple of weeks, the changes were all I could think of.  I knew I would eventually get to a place of utter excitement but for the time I was simply a little disappointed and a LOT scared. 

The next month flew by and I still wasn’t fully excited about our baby.  I definitely was not excited about the way I felt all the time and how crazy I felt.  But I looked forward to after my birthday and sharing the great news with our parents.  During the time my parents were in town, our first doctor’s appointment was scheduled.  The morning of, I was really nervous.  I had felt different the past few days, and I feared that something was wrong, that something had changed.  I remember walking out of the house that morning filled with hope, excitement, and a little fear.  Before leaving Michael turns around and says, “Grab the camera, we will want to record this day.”  So camera in hand, I close the door behind me. 

The air is light with excitement as we walk into the doctor’s office.  We are all smiles.  My name is called and we head back, I get weighed and am led to the exam room where we are informed we are the first of the day so we shouldn’t have to wait very long.  Sitting on the table, Michael and I nervously joke with one another until the doctor comes in.  Finally, I lay down and the ultrasound begins.  The moment the doctor says, “And I see a little baby,” that excitement I had been waiting for rises up inside of me.  Michael is standing beside me holding my hand as we wait for the doctor to swing the monitor around so we can see our little baby for the first time.  But minutes pass and nothing is said.  I look up at Michael and smile, he squeezes my hand.   “We are having a baby,” is all that is running through my mind…until I hear these words, “I am having a hard time finding a heartbeat.”  In that moment, my heart sinks and all I can think is, “I want this baby, please God find a heart beat.”  Tears form in my eyes, looking up at Michael I can tell that all the excitement is gone.   Turning on the light the doctor says she wants to send us over to another part of the hospital that has a better ultra sound machine.  She leaves us in the room, a room that not ten minutes ago was filled with love, excitement, hope and joy.  Now, its just despair.  Michael has gone completely white, is sweating, and fears he is going to pass out.  I am filled with anxiety and longing.  A few minutes later, we are heading to have another examination. 

Walking into this next exam room, it’s hard not to think the worst.  It’s not an exam to prove life, but an exam to prove the absence of life.  All I can do is lie on the table and look at the ceiling as the tech runs the exam pushing buttons and saying nothing.   We head back to the waiting room while the tech calls our doctor with the results.  I want nothing more than to be anywhere else.  This day was supposed to be filled with joy and pictures.  We were suppose to leave with the black and white pictures of our baby…ones that you can’t tell what the blob is but trust the doctor when she says it’s a baby right here.  Instead, 2 hours later we are waiting…with little hope those pictures will be in our hands when we leave.  Little hope that we will have exciting news to share.  A few minutes later, the tech comes out and asks us to come back to the exam room.  She has our doctor on the phone and wants me to talk to her.  I know then, its over.  All the hope, the longing, the excitement, it was all over.  Our baby didn’t have a heartbeat.  Our baby was two months along but was gone now. 

Walking back into the doctor’s office where we were greeted not 2 and half hours earlier with smiles and excitement, we are greeted with sympathy and kindness.  We talked with our doctor about what was going to happen and what our options were.  She was hopeful that we got pregnant, that it was a good thing and that these things were very common.  It didn’t matter to me, all I could think of is the life that was inside of me was now gone. 

It’s not fair and it doesn’t make any sense what so ever.  We have been hoping, praying, and trying for a baby for a year and then we finally get pregnant and our baby is taken.  I was excited for a moment and in that moment; I couldn’t wait to meet this baby.  And although it took until the words “I can’t find a heart beat” for me to realize how much I wanted this baby, it doesn’t ease the pain.  In fact, in some ways it makes it worse.  I know that God is in control and that He is good.  That he has a plan and a purpose for everything, but it does not change the fact that its not fair.  It doesn’t ease the disappointment; it doesn’t stop the ache in my heart and the longing to meet this baby.  I had life inside of me, we created life and for no explainable reason that life was taken away.  I long for the day when I am in Heaven and I will walk up to this beautiful child and know that was the life Michael and I created.  I will finally get to hold my baby but I wanted to hold my baby this side of Heaven as well. 

We would have loved this child, taken care of this child…what went wrong that we don’t ever get to know them, never will get to hear them laugh.  I just don’t understand.  There are so many people who get pregnant by mistake, who are 15 and don’t know what to do, who are not fit or ready to raise a child…we are ready, we are fit…so why?  I know there is no explanation.  There is nothing we could have done differently to change it but that doesn’t fix it.

You know, our lives are still forever changed but now it’s not by baby giggles, toys, crying, and late night feedings but by the deep scars, this pain has created.  I will forever have the scar of life ending etched on my heart.  I know that over time, the scar will fade into the background but I will always feel the raised little ridge it has created.  I will forever wonder about this baby’s life with the excitement of Heaven.  Our baby is in Jesus’ arms and knows love. 

So,
I love you, Dear Void, and wanted you so much but I know you are in good hands.  Until we meet.  Love, me



November, 2013

One month ago, we discovered we were blessed with another miracle.  From the first moment of me seeing that second line I was filled with excitement and longing.  I wanted this baby so much.  I had no fear in how our lives would change; I was excited about moving my desk out of my office and turning it into a little baby’s room.  I tried to keep fear at bay, telling myself that everything was going to be okay, that we would get to that 8 week mark and hear his or her’s little heart beat and this time we would leave with those black and white blob pictures. 

We enter the 7th week and the bleeding starts.  I am filled with anxiety and worry because although I know that it can be normal to have some bleeding during pregnancy, all the blood tells me is that something is wrong.  I try to get into see my doctor that day but due to work I am unable but hold onto the hope that I can get in the next and everything would be okay. 

Even when mild cramping starts, I try to cling to hope that it doesn’t mean what I think it means.  That maybe I just over did it yesterday, maybe I didn’t get enough sleep or need to eat something.  But when mid-afternoon finds a blood clot, I know the beginning of the end has begun and I lose it.  I can barely make it back to floor to find my supervisor to tell her I needed to go leave.  I cry and yell all the way home.  I am so angry, hurt, and confused. 

I won’t go into the details that the next 6 hours held but just say the worst pain I have ever experienced went through my body both physically and emotionally

The next morning at the doctor’s confirmed, what I knew to be true…our second little baby left us 5 months after our first almost to the day.

There are no words to describe the pain in my heart.

Dear little Voids, take care of one another.  I wish I could be the one taking care of you but I know you will be good to each other.  Love, me.

January, 2014

To say I was angry with God is an understatement.  I could not possibly understand why he would allow what happened to us, twice, in six months.  After our second little one left, we had countless tests done and everything came back perfectly normal.  I did not want anything to be wrong with me but I did hope that something would come back so at least we would have some kind of answer.

I struggled with knowing how powerful God is, how he has the power to create the universe, to raise the dead, to heal sickness and yet with all the prayer being poured into our little baby he did nothing.  I felt as if God simply turned his back on our prayers.  I knew in my head the truth but my heart could not comprehend and did not care to listen.  I retreated from community and church.  I couldn’t be around people because I did not want to talk about what was going on but I never was good at looking people in the eye, saying I was fine when I was broken inside.  I did not want to lie to people so I hide.  I knew that I would not stay hidden but I needed to be away from life for while.

I wrote everyday on my novel for NaNoWriMo, and finished a week early.  I went to Utah and spent a week with family and enjoyed being around my mom and dad.  Getting to hug my grandpa and grandma who I had not seen for 3 years was amazing.  However, in midst of all greatness of the holiday I still was unbelievably sad.  I did all I could to keep busy after Thanksgiving, decorating our house for Christmas, finishing our shopping and wrapping presents.  I did not see many people except for Michael and a few that reached out to us.  We left for Colorado a few weeks later on a great road trip to see my family.

We checked out all the “Chronicles of Narnia” for our road trip and we headed out on the open road with the stories of Narnia and the love of Aslan filling our car.  I still was struggling to even spend time with Jesus or listen to worship music but somehow when Aslan spoke truth he spoke to my heart.  He roared his great roar, I felt the walls of bitterness, and anger begin to fall.  I felt his warm fur in between my fingers and hung on for dear life.  We ran through the land of Narnia together and through our adventure, I began to feel the love of God flow back through me. 

I never thought that a children’s book would help heal severe wounds but somehow the words of a lion did not seem so threatening and I could grasp the truth from them.  To say that I am completely healed would be a lie however, I feel myself now walking out of this place.  I feel myself coming back to life and emerging back into reality.  I miss my two Dear Voids so very much and as so many of friends reach their due dates its hard not thinking, “That should be me…”  I know I have a long hard road ahead of me but I am hopeful that 2014 holds great and wonderful things for Michael and me. 

So, I will leave you now with a couple of quotes that really touched my heart and helped my in this process of healing

“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
 
“It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.
"Are -are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

the revision...

After I got the email telling me my novel pitch was oneof  the 25 picked I was ecstatic...that is until I started reading the other pitches and their comments.  I realized mine did not capture the heart of my novel very well.  I know I heard the Lord when he nudged me to even send in my pitch, and I know He is in control.  He has my future and my success or failure as a published writer does not balance on whether I am the winner of this contest, or even the fan favorite or if the only votes I receive are the awesome 6 I have.  I cried my heart out to the Lord this morning, wishing I had sent in a better pitch.  One that truly captures the writer God created me to be.  As I stood in the shower I heard the Lord say, "Well, then rewrite it...not for them but from me and for you."  So here is what came out.  It still is not perfect but I took the critique I received from the BookDoctors for being one of the 25 and made it better.

“I need to see the view from the top once more.” 

What do you do when all that stands in your way is one last climb?  Eight years before, Rachel could not have asked for more-a supportive family, wonderful fiancé and a great job.  But the night of her engagement with her boyfriend Ethan, tragedy hits her family and tears her blessed life apart. 

Rachel’s only motive in moving to Colorado is escaping the pain and heartache her life and family had become.  She never imagined that the night Lizzie climbed into her car, she would also bring hope with her.  Rachel begins to believe once again that the God she decided had forgotten about her and her family, may still care about her existence.  

Climbing the Divide is not only a narrative about finding the physical strength to hike a mountain; it is also about experiencing and discovering with a it takes to heal a soul and repair a heart.  Rachel faces the Divide once again, carrying a burden she hopes the climb and the view from the top will help lessen.  Each step brings Rachel closer to a new future and one step farther from the life she once led.  Journey with her as she remembers the last eight years, the friendships she has made along the way,  and what has brought her to this fateful climb. 

A Guided Dream...

"Writing is nothing more than a guided dream."  Jorge Luis Borges.

This is a quote on a postcard that was in my Moleskine journal  I received a few years ago.  I don't know how I feel about it.  Maybe he is saying that to be a writer, to write something beautiful is not about the syntax, the sentence structure, the grammar, the wording or character development.  Writing is not about those things, but about having a dream and following it.  If that is truly what he is saying, than yes, I believe it.  I allowed fear of not knowing enough about the English language and the correct way of forming a paragraph keep me from following the deepest desire of my heart.  I went in every possible direction in order to keep from taking that trail, because I knew it would be scary and hard. 

Remember that scene in "Beauty and the Beast"  where Belle's father is traveling and he comes to two paths.  One is sunny, with sweet sounds of birds chirping, the other is dark and fog hiding anything lurking to attack.  His horse's choice was the sunny path but he does not listen and follows the other path.  I don't know how many times I sat watching that movie and said, "No don't go that way!!"  But what would have happened if the father had taken the sunny path?  He would have made it to his destination and back safely but Belle, she would have never met the Beast and found a new world.  I like the horse, want to take the obvious and safe path; and for 20 odd years of my life I continued to follow them.

When I was 11 years old my family got our first computer for Christmas.  I remember getting up on Saturday mornings, before my family awoke and I would fire up this machine.  The anticipation growing inside of me, until finally the home screen shone bright and i opened up my word document.  Before I even knew how to type I began hunting down the letters and pounded out my first attempt at a novel.  The story of course was a love story.  My main character's name--Realene, who went by Rea.  I couldn't tell you much more about this wonderful story.  What I do remember is the feeling this story brought me every time I opened it up.  As a young child I had no fear holding me back from following my dreams.  I wanted to be a writer and the first woman on Mars.  When did I become the one who chose the safe path?

Years later found me at the "Women of Faith" Conference.  I was  24, broken and desiring nothing more than to be Free.  I remember crying out to the Lord to deliverer me from the sin I had committed over the past few years, to heal me and to bring freedom to my heart.  I had spent so much time just wondering around without truly seeking guidance, grasping at the path I thought looked like the right one.  I sat in the midst of 1000's of women but I felt alone and desperate.  One of the speakers was sharing her story and her journey with the Lord and then she said something that started my journey of healing.  She said, "It is not what you have done that defines you but WHOSE you are that defines you."  Tears fell down my face and I cried out to God for freedom and healing to believe those words.  On the last day of the conference, during worship, I remember sitting down and I hearing the Lord speak clearly these words, "That will be you some day.  You have a story to tell and I want you to tell it."

I spent several days and weeks meditating on what exactly God meant by those words.  I landed on this, that what He was saying was, like the ladies on the "Women of Faith" tour, I too would share my story with other women and help bring healing and freedom to the brokenness of the this world.  God showed me how He desired to redeem my past, and how He intends to use my mistakes, my brokenness and finally my ultimate healing to do the same thing for other women.  God brought back the old dream of a 11 year old girl sitting at her family's computer of one day being an author; of having other people read my words and feel inspiration.

Fast forward 5 years, and you find me at another women's conference wondering about dreams, about promises and purpose.  And I hear these words, "God does not put an expiration date on His promises."  And those words God spoke so many years before came flooding back.  I realized for the good part of the last few years I spent in fear and believing that God had forgotten about me and my dreams.  I believed that I could not be a speaker because I had nothing to speak about and no one who wanted to hear my words.  I believed I could not write because so many of the people surrounding me had far more talent than I could ever dream to possess.  I spent 4 years writing my story down and only have 10 pages to show for it.  I barely remembered those words and I believed God didn't remember them either.  But, I was so wrong.

About 4 months ago, a great friend sent me an idea to embark on a crazy journey.  She didn't know that a simple email on her part would help bring my passions closer to igniting my purpose.  November 1st, 2012, I started writing a fiction novel, with the goal that on November 30th I would have at least 50,000 words written.  I spent a glorious month pounding out 1000's of words a day, bringing new characters to life, crying with them, laughing with them and cheering them on.  I spent one month living my dream.  I realized something very important in November and it has nothing to do with grammar, syntax, sentence structure or character development.  I realized that living a life doing what you were created to do brings the greatest joy ever imaginable.  It didn't matter that everyday I still woke up working at a retail place, a place that only a month ago made me angry to even look upon my red and khaki clothing.  It didn't matter because I knew that in 8 short hours I would be once again sitting at my computer, with fingers flying, music blaring in my ears, doing what God created me to do and be.

So maybe writing is nothing more than a guided dream but may its more.  Maybe its also about living in that guided dream.

skipping ahead

even though there is a whole lot more i have to write in between the previous post and this next paragraph, i wanted to share it because well, frankly i think its a great paragraph and it holds the hope in my story. 

Standing on a front porch, in the middle of November, barefoot  we started talking, and we talked for the next three hours…about books, movies, life in general.  I didn’t even think about my freezing cold feet, or how long we had been talking.  All I could think about was the ease of conversation…the ease of just standing next to him.   How is it that, even after three years I can remember our exact stance, I can remember the conversation not in detail but can remember the feeling that flowed through me during the conversation, I can even remember the cold air stinging our feet.  Its memories like these that I wouldn’t give up for anything,…even if it meant never experiencing the pain that later would come.  Because for once, for the first time in my life…this conversation is one that I would never walk away from, this friendship is one that I would never stop from forming, this relationship is one that I rejoice over its formation, this man Chase LP Snow, I am thankful was a part of my life. 

the long awaited next installment

Monday morning found me in my office, reading over notebooks of information, making out welcome cards and trying to adjust to a new life.  Mid-day finds Levi in my office hanging out, talking to me.  What was amazing was the ease of conversation and what was even more amazing was what happened about half way through the day.  Levi was in the middle of telling a story and something starting stirring in my stomach.  The stirring continued to flow up through my stomach and out my mouth…laughter-true, genuine laughter.  I remember the feeling of tension releasing, of anxieties being lifted, of clouds clearing…all from one simple laugh.  I never thought that I would laugh again; I thought that my days of contagious laughter were over…then Levi brought resurrected it.  We continued the day with dinner.  I have never felt so at ease, so comfortable with someone that quickly.  Over dinner it was like we were just two old friends catching up instead of two strangers who just met.  From the very moment Levi and I shock hands--a bond, a chemistry that is virtually impossible to describe, let alone explain, was formed.  He made me laugh after months of not laughing and I would never be the same because of it. 

It is a funny thing relationships…what is it that pulls people together or pushes others away?  How is it possible for two complete strangers to experience a first encounter that is more like a reuniting of old friends?  I have met hundreds of people in my life time and not one meeting has been the same.  Some have been awkward and uncomfortable, where after the “hello my name is…this is what I do…” there is silence and both of us sit there and stare at each other hoping that someone else will soon come and save the two of us from this moment.  There are people that I knew right away that I would be their friends and that they would become a part of who I am today.  I have meet people who I wish hadn’t, people who I am glad I did, people who I am pleasantly surprised by, people who have faded from my memory.  Community, a place to love and be loved, I believe is at the very core of the human race --its what drives and motivates us.  Whether we admit it or fight against it, we all crave community, all crave relationship, we all crave that one person who gets your very existence.  It is a safe bet to say that I will never understand or grasp how friendship forms between one person to another but I know that other people have played a part in writing who I am today. 

It is hard to put into words how the friendship with Levi and I grew and shaped itself.  In the beginning it was nice to have someone who just made me laugh.  Slowly it grew from innocent laughter to deep conversations.  From deep conversations to me sitting in his room listening to him read to me.  The reading thing started when the two of us were hanging out at a book store and he started talking about a book he liked.  The next thing I know he has gotten the book from the shelf and started reading to me.  It may sound silly but I felt so cherished in those moments.  It was our thing and no one could take that from us. 

One night changed our friendship and sent us down a road that was far more dangerous than we ever thought possible.  Levi and I were talking on the phone one night after I had gotten back from a wedding.  After a while he said, “Meet me in town.”  I knew that if I went, something significant was going to happen.  I knew the right thing and the safe thing to do was to stay home, to say goodnight.  God was giving me the out, the signal to tap out and all would be saved.  But the words that came out of my mouth were not, “No, I don’t think so.”  But instead, “Okay, see you soon.”  Getting out of my car that night was exciting, I knew this was the point of no return.  He held my hand for the first time; and even though I knew it was wrong, when he asked if it was okay, I said , “Yes.”  I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to hold his hand.  I wanted to be known by someone.  After several hours of walking around and talking to one another we made our way back the our cars.  In the moment of saying goodbye to him I knew, I could still walk away and maintain just a friendship with him.  But instead of simply getting into my car I looked up into Levi’s eyes.  Our first kiss was… to be completely cliché, magic.  I knew that Levi was special and I knew that this was something…that could have been wonderful had we waited to awaken it. 

"I am READY!"

A revelation that has been stirring up inside of me for the past few months is one two folds.  The first is how much Jesus loves me and the second is how He gives me all I need to accomplish the task and that the task has purpose!

The second fold has been much harder for me to grasp and believe.  When I get up everyday, pull my khakis on grab a red shirt from the ground and lace up my worn out tennis shoes, its hard for me to see the purpose in it all.  I walk out the door thinking about my education, wondering how am I going to use my knowledge of Shakespeare and Fitzgerald going to help me pick up shoes?  How is knowing how to create a sentence and research a topic going to help me answer the same questions day in a day out?  I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything but really, how is working in this job bringing His purpose?  A few months ago, God started working on humbling my heart, and speaking truth into these places where I allowed the enemy to place his lies.  The truth that God first spoke to me is in Jeremiah chapter 29.  First I just have to say that if you think your job is hard, read Jeremiah who for most of his life had to tell people really bad news from the Lord and then get beaten or thrown into prison because of it.  I mean, picking up shows is awesome in light of Jeremiah's job!  In chapter 29 Jeremiah is telling God's people that they are in exile and will be there for a while.  Instead of whining and complaining about and wondering when they would be released God desires for them to put down roots, get married, have children and marry off you children.  He is basically saying, live life and really live life because you will be here for while...70 years to be exact. 

God says, "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call up Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you declares the Lord and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile. Jeremiah 29:11-14






What stands out to me is that first God has a plan.  God doesn't go into a situation without a full game plan.  And with that plan His desire is to bring you future and a hope.  Also, God's plan ALWAYS includes us drawing closer to Him, for us to call on His name.  His ultimate desire is for us to know Him, to know Him in a new way and call on His name.  Through His plan, His calling, His direction he desires us to search Him and fully know in that situation.  In the end of these verses God gives His people a promise, a promise that exile will end and on the other side He will restore all that was lost, God will bring His people back to Himself.  When we are sent into exile we will always come out on the other side, stronger and fuller than when we went into it...when we spend our exile searching out God! 


When I read these verses a few months ago I realized something, I was in a sort of exile in this job.  My job I have right now is not a permanent job, my life's calling is not to pick shoes up for the rest if it.  No, God has sent me into this place for a purpose, and that purpose involves prosperity, hope and a future.  Also, in this exile He desires to know me even more, from me to cling to Him, to seek Him out and search with all my heart His direction, His love and His provision.  God has reminded me how awesome a provider He is.  I have a job when so many do not.  I am able to work and help our household get out of debt.  If that was the only reason, shouldn't that be enough?  The truth is some days it is enough but most days its not.  I have struggled with feeling inadequate and worthless.  I see people's reaction and hear their tone when I tell them where I work.  I have struggled with feeling then need to validate and justify my reasoning behind my choice of employment.  Can I just stop here and say, WHO CARES WHERE YOU WORK!!!!!  It has been a long journey with God to feel good about myself especially when I am surrounded by all of these amazingly successful people.  In the world's eyes, yes what I do is menial and most days I am treated that way by the community.  But through God's eyes, MAN!!!  He is bragging on me in Heaven.  He is saying, "Look at Amy, look at how well she is picking up those shoes.  Look how great of a job she is doing.  Look at how well she helped that person.  Look at the joy she brought to her co-worker.  Look at her singing while she folds clothes.  Man, I love this girl...she is so AWESOME!!!!  And you know what, no matter what you are doing, whether its working in a big corporation to "important things", or taking someone's order, or teaching a student, or training your child how to use the potty God is saying, "Look at my child, Look at how Awesome she (or he) is!  I love her!  I am so Proud of her!  Did you see how well she handled that situation? "

If I am honest I don't always go into work feeling the purpose that God has for me but the truth is, He has a greater purpose than I can ever imagine.  I try everyday to walk out that purpose and I know one day, I will walk out of "exile" into a new calling and a new purpose and I will walk into my future with hope and prosperity.

Late Night...

I am learning that each day is filled with "Lets just laugh at that" kind of moments.  What I mean by that, is there are times when the enemy speaks lies and hurtful things into our lives.  We have two choices, we can either except it as truth and allow the lie to gain grown and grow roots or we can disregard it for the lie it truly is.  The best way I have found is to laugh at the lie in its face.  No, I did not come up with this idea on my own.  I learned this exercise from two very wise teachers.  This practice may seem rather strange and you may be laughing at me right now, but trust me when have you ever felt worse after a laughing fit?  Laughter truly brings joy to the soul. 

Today I had someone tell me something that was not well very nice and was not true.  It is not all that important what was said, just that the one sided conversation was one that most people would never have to someone's face.  In the moment, I felt my anger rising and all I wanted to do was yell back at this person, however by the grace of God I held my tongue and said virtually nothing.  Afterwards, I sort of just started at the phone in wonder that that really just happened.  Now, I could have justifiably gotten angry but honestly what good was that going to do?  So instead...I laughed.  And every time I thought about the event I chuckled to myself.  So, instead of bring me down, I found joy and life in the situation.

This may not make a whole lot of sense and I am fairly sure it doesn't but I wanted to pass on the spirit of laughter.  It truly is a wonder medicine.  I am so tired right now that honestly I should be curled up in bed but for some reason, my keyboard was calling to my fingers to type and a longing inside of me to write something beautiful and inspiring filled my soul.  Now, the fact that this is what came out, for that I am truly sorry.  On the up side, there are only like two of you that actually read my blogs so I will only confuse a small amount :)  Or maybe I will make you laugh, which in turn was the true purpose of this whole thing in the first place.